What Happens When You Cross an Elephant with a Rhino

I just got finished watching Piranhaconda, and I have to say... I'm feeling pretty conflicted. There's so many unexplained details, unanswered questions, and scientific inaccuracies, everything I love in a good bad movie. So why am I feeling so bummed out about it? I think one reason is that it stars Michael Madsen in a major role. To elaborate my disappointment with his casting, let me explain that he's one of my favorite actors. He's had a heck of a career; he's been in everything from Species to Sin City. He's done Quentin Tarantino movies! Once as an assassin-turned-bouncer in Kill Bill and once as the psychopathic Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs. But in the last few years, he's been in some real stinkers, including a few straight-to-DVD movies. He's better than that! It's like Orson Welles going from Citizen Kane to playing the voice of Unicron in The Transformers: The Movie. It's very disturbing. More disturbing is the fact that most of the actresses looked like washed-up porn stars looking for another paycheck.

And the "science" was sloppy even for a Syfy movie. It's an ancient result of interspecies breeding. How a fish and areptile managed that is never explained, nor is the location. You see, Piranhaconda is set in Hawaii. Neither piranhas nor anacondas are native to Hawaii. They're found mostly in South American countries (though they have found piranhas in Bangladesh). Look, I've been to Brazil (on the friggin' Amazon!). I've seen piranhas (in the frozen foods section of a supermarket - no, I'm not making this up). I didn't see any resemblance to a piranha (or an anaconda, for that matter). One problem is that it's ridiculously over-sized (a result of some other shoddy scientific b.s.).

And the villains? I don't really see any purpose they served. The protagonist are actors and crew members working on Headchopper 3 and the the antagonists were a terrorist organization whose sole purpose was apparently to kidnap wealthy people of importance and hold them ransom (because when I think "important people," I think B-movie actors. but that's just me).

My biggest issue isn't that they were trying to be Sharktopus. I love Sharktopus. I think we could all use a little more Sharktopus in our lives. The problem is they were trying to be better than Sharktopus, which they overcompensated for by making the piranhaconda laughably huge and giving it mysterious, hypersensory abilities. Screw Piranhaconda.

But there is no need to fear, as I've recently learned that Monster Machine (responsible for such classics as Sharktopus and Dinoshark) have planned at least two new hybrid animal movies planned; Arachnaconda and Grizzligator! I can only imagine what these creatures may look like, but suffice it to say, I'm ecstatic to find out.

The announcement of these projects begs another question; what purpose do these hybrid animals possibly serve? The sharktopus was developed as a biological weapon, originally controlled with an electronic impulse device. So why combine a spider with a snake or a bear with an alligator? I guess, just like everything else in life, the answer is why not?

It's not like it's anything new. We've been doing this for years. We mated a lion with a tiger just 'cause. And the result; the liger.

(bred for its skills in magic)

And that's not all. Due to selective breeding, Belgian beef farmers have been able to create the "Schwarzenegger super cow."

(kill it! kill it! kill it! kill it with fire! and possibly smother it in steak sauce!)

But wait! There's more! A Canadian-based research team have successfully spliced the genes of a goat and a spider. The answer isn't nearly as villainous as the bioterrorists in Sharktopus, although it may ultimately end up in supervillainy. The logic is that spider silk is one of the strongest, most flexible substances on Earth. The problem is that it has been near impossible to properly utelize, due to the impracticality of farming on a mass scale... until now. You see, they have combined that milk glands from the goat with the silk glands from the spider, and - voilà! - you have yourselves a silk harvest! So, at best, we will be able to produce stronger, more efficient, nearly unbreakable fibers, and at worst - giant, horned spiders.

(they also make really silky cheese)

I have a hybrid animal movie idea myself called Koalabears.

(does it count as plagiarism if nobody's ever seen Howling III: The Marsupials? I get the feeling they're not going to need those costumes ever again) 

As we all know, koalas are, in fact, marsupials, not bears. The term "koala bear" was developed due to its resemblance to a cute, cuddly teddy bear. But there's nothing cute and cuddly about these deranged, killing machines. It starts off in Australia (but ends up in America, just like everything else; screw Australia), where a group of American scientists (see?) are investigating a sudden insurgence of a particularly confrontational, rabies-ridden clan (flock? pack? pride?) of koalas. One of the more irresponsible scientists brings a specimen home with him (probably somewhere in California). The koala kills the scientist and escapes to a circus, where, in a plot taken right from Dead Alive, the koala rapes one of the circus bears, before it is finally subdued by a local Game and Wildlife Ranger. The resulting cubs (puppies? kids?) are the vicious koalabears, which grow at an alarming rate due to the illegal injections of steroids in to the circus bears. The koalabears are finally killed by the ranger and the lead female role, and everything ends happily ever after... until you see that one of the koalabears has actually escaped and kills all of the hobos on a train headed to Hollywood. The End.

At least that's my idea. I guess we'll see how Arachnaconda goes. It can't be any worse than Piranhaconda.