Live! from the 2012 Republican National Convention

(as the opening ceremony comes to a close, John Boehner approaches the mic)

Boehner: How about that, ladies and gentlemen! Let's hear it for The Dancing Palins and their lovely choreographer, Marcus Bachmann!

Mr. Bachmann: (waving and blowing kisses to the crowd) Thank you! I love you all!

Boehner: Now join me in welcoming the Republican Party's black friend, Herman Cain!

(Herman Cain approaches the mic as "99 Problems (But a Bitch Ain't One)" by Jay-Z plays)

Cain: Brothers and sisters, welcome... to the 2012 Republican National Convention!

(applause)

Cain: They said a black man couldn't be President. But they also said a black man can't vote Republican!

(more applause)

Cain: The Democrats are a party of guilt and entitlement. They are the party of "white guilt." Well, I for one have never experienced any "white guilt"!

(the audience now is more quiet, with the exception of Ted Nugent who is applauding raucously. Colin Powell is seen in the audience, shaking his head solemnly with his face in the palm of his hand)

Cain: The Democrats are the party of entitlement. Where they say "yes, yes," I say "Nine! Nine! Nine!"

(the audience is now completely silent. Even Ted Nugent has a look of confusion on his face)

(as Herman Cain is escorted off stage, Donald Trump enters, strutting up to the microphone. There is little, apprehensive applause, which The Donald greets as a warm welcome)

Trump: Barack Obama is a Nigerian...

(this is all Trump has time to say before security rushes to forcibly remove Trump from the stage)

Trump: (yelling) You're fired, Barack! You're fired! I'll fire ya! I'll fire ya from a cannon, I don't care!

(sensing trouble, John Boehner makes a bold, desperate move)

Boehner: L-ladies and g-g-gentlemen! Former Vice President, Dick Cheney!

(for some reason, there is applause. Maybe it's because of his most recent heart surgery, or maybe they actually really like him, but their is applause. But as he approaches the microphone, Dick Cheney appears to be less a feeble, old man, and more of a Sith Lord. He approaches the stage clad in a dark, hooded robe. The hood is up, so as to obscure the features of his face)

Lord Cheney: (looks over the audience) I've been called evil.

(the audience boos. Dick Cheney lifts a hand, and the audience's boos die down)

Lord Cheney: I have been called evil. I've been called a liar. A hypocrite. A warmonger. Evil.

(Cheney raises his hands and shoots electricity from his fingertips, killing a row of attendees. Incredibly, the audience applauds)

Lord Cheney: Am I evil? Would a truly evil man come bearing a gift?

(more applause)

Lord Cheney: Look! Behold with your own eyes, the gift which I have brought to you!

(even more applause)

Lord Cheney: Reagan... rise!

(the applause now is deafening as a figure rises from a trick door in the stage. Clad in an entirely black robotic suit, but wearing a striped American flag necktie, the masked figure approaches the mic, breathing heavily, as though in severe pain, or severely asthmatic. The audience quiets down so as to allow the cloaked, masked figure to speak)

Darth Reagan: ...Jellybeans.

(the audience howls with approval)

Lord Cheney: My gift... to you.

(the audience is professing their undying love to their undying prophet, Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney raises a finger to silence the crowd)

Lord Cheney: And that is not the only friend from the '80s I've brought back to you. I now call forward the League of Villains.

(Skeletor, Shredder, and Cobra Commander come through the curtain. They carry in their hands a copy of The Necronomicon)

Cobra Commander: Join usssss, minionsssssss! Join ussssss now in a mossssssssst sssssssssacred prayer; Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Klaatu verata nicto!

(there is a moment's silence, as the beastly deity Cthulhu crashes through the ceiling. The creature shrieks an awful shriek and Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan take the stage)

Romney: What a night! And what a heartwarming prayer, Commander. You know, I'm a religious man myself....

(I turn away to leave, and run into Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman)

Huntsman: This is too much.

Paul: Ya know, I'm pretty popular with libertarians, maybe I'll run as a Libertarian as a running mate to Gary Johnson...

Me: Nah, the Republicans ruined libertarianism for me.

Huntsman: I figured I'll just ride it out. In four years, maybe they'll be ready for somebody different. How bad can things really get?

(there is a scream heard from the stage followed by horrified screams of thousands of registered Republicans. We look at the stage and see Cthulhu eating Dick Cheney)

Me: Looks like things are getting better already.