All Hallow This!

October 13, 2011 - Day 13 of the Five Dollar Foot Long Epidemic. The zombies (customers, for those who don't understand subtlety) just keep coming. They crave cheap food and they won't be satisfied until they get it. Their numbers grow larger every day. They have begun to multiply and mutate. I have identified some of these infected (as plagiarized from Left 4 Dead);

1) The Tank - Generally physically fit (or at least not obese) zombies who buy into Subway's "health food" facade. They opt for "healthy" sandwiches. They fool themselves into thinking that they're eating well, when any uninfected person would be a bit skeptical after seeing my chubby butt is the one serving them.

2) The Boomer - A bloated zombie who doesn't kid himself/herself with the "health food" nonsense. They want the Chicken Bacon Ranch, and they want it with extra ranch. The term "boomer" comes from the fact that they eat until they explode, and somehow inevitably end up attracting more zombies.

3) The Hunter - An agile zombie that pounces and seizes the opportunity to buy five dollar foot longs by buying them in bulk.

4) The Witch - A passive zombie that will become aggressive and start screaming when you make a simple mistake on their sandwich or leave them waiting for too long or if you're out of Italian Herbs and Cheese bread.

Honestly, it seems appropriate that Five Dollar Foot Long Month should land on an October. As the children anticipate going door-to-door asking people for free candy, so the adults among them anticipate harassing the local Subway.

I am not a big fan of Halloween, myself. I hold no grudge against candy (clearly not), but I don't like it any more on Halloween than I do any other day of the year. And I can certainly appreciate the creativity some people put into it. I know of a married couple who have come up with some very clever costumes. One year she was Michael Jackson (albeit a very pretty one) and he was a 12-year old boy (this was before Jacko died, so it wasn't untimely). The next year he went as Barack Obama (in full blackface) and she went as Sarah Palin. One of my brothers and his wife went as a Ghostbuster and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man respectively. You see, I like that. That's creative. But for most people, it's just an excuse to dress up as whores. I don't think they make non-skanky women's costumes anymore. Sexy pirates, sexy nurses, sexy angels - hell, I wouldn't be surprised to find out they have a sexy Amish girl costume available. I don't want to sound like a prude, it's just that I find inventive costumes more impressive than themed prostitute outfits. Besides, like candy, I don't like pretty girls any more on Halloween than I do any other time of year. And then there are the teenagers who go Trick-or-Treating, most of them dressed as slack-off losers (i.e. themselves). Don't you guys realize you're literally taking candy from children? Don't you have some underage drinking to do?

(I only wish I could pull something as scary as this off*)

Halloween, or "All-Hallow's-Eve," originates from the ancient Roman holiday of Parentalia, which is held in honor of deceased relatives and ancestors, and the Celtic harvest festival of Samhain. Dead people and harvesting foods, mixed with a little modern commercialism. This sounds great for marketing! Even with the condescending, often puritanical theology dictating our country, nobody embraces paganism quite like America. I'm looking at you, Christmas! But that's another story for another day...

(prepare yourselves)

*If Mike Tyson ever happens to read this (no matter how unlikely that may be), allow me to say I was only kidding. You are a boxing legend and you seem like a pretty cool guy. Please don't hurt me.