A Post to be Thankful for

Thanksgiving is coming! A time of gluttony, designated airing of grievances, and awkward family conversation. A day celebrated in commemoration of the Pilgrims' land at Plymouth Rock and the feast they had with the Wampanoag indian tribe. But little did you know...

Look, it's pretty much roundly-accepted that the "Pilgrims" were a group of puritanical Separatists that traveled to America to escape persecution. Well, did you know the only reason the Pilgrims (oh, those rascally puritans!) stopped at Plymouth Rock is because they ran out of beer? They were actually originally planning to settle in what is now New York. Massachusetts was just an afterthought (take that, Red Sox!).

(Brian Wilson; the best thing to come out of New England since the Pilgrims)

Also, there is some debate as to the exact origins of the feast. But we know that they may or may not have actually had turkey. More likely, it was sea food (this is New England we're talking about) and assortment of wild fowl and venison. But I do believe this was where the first awkward Thanksgiving dinner conversation started. Kind of like a meal shared between two neighbors that don't really like each other. On their way home, the indians were probably snickering "Boy, can you believe we talked them into planting fish with their plants?" Meanwhile, the Pilgrims were probably laughing "Can you believe they accepted those smallpox-infected blankets we gave them?"

There is another rumor to be debunked. John Smith may or may not have been Pocahontas' lover. If they were, this would make John Smith a pervert; regardless of how the Disney movie makes it appear, John Smith was around 27 years old and Pocahontas was around 12 years old.

But there is still much for which to be grateful (it's proper English, but it does sound very "Yoda"). Through those brave, boozy puritans, we can now celebrate by gorging ourselves on turkey (which probably wasn't served at the first Thanksgiving) and pumpkin pie (which definitely wasn't served at the first Thanksgiving) and watching football (which should have been played at the first Thanksgiving; Patriots vs. Redskins). The Detroit Lions have played on Thanksgiving every year since 1934 (which is probably the only reason anybody living in Detroit has to be thankful). Not to be outdone, the Dallas Cowboys have played every year since 1966 (because they're kind of douche bags).

If football's not your thing, I recommend yet another of my movie gems; Thankskilling. Really, there's not much to explain. It's a ridiculous, low-budget horror-comedy about a foul-mouthed killer turkey (or is that fowl-mouthed? eh? eh?... I didn't think it was funny either) named Turkie. It's obscene, profane, and festering with over-the-top violence. Kudos to OPK bandmate and best hillbilly ever, Tony Sparrow, for showing this to me.

(yeah. this.)