Shut Up and Eat, Charlie Brown!

Thanksgiving is finally upon us, and you know what that means, don't you? (If you said "Christmas," go ahead and slap yourself.) It means it's time, once again, for the festive gorging on turkey, potatoes, cranberry sauce, and enough gravy to choke a camel (in fact, I intend to - by "camel," I mean me).

Nobody does gluttony quite like America. Ancient Greece may have come close, but America takes that number one spot (just like everything else! suck it, Canada!*). Did you know (and this is a true story) that you can get a Whopper at Burger King starting at 8:00 a.m.? A burger for breakfast! And some of you out there are almost certainly asking yourselves who would want a burger that early in the morning? Well, I'll tell you who. The same people who get meatball subs with jalapeños. The same person who eats leftovers for breakfast. In short, me. And why not? People eat breakfast foods at all times during the day, and nobody says that's weird. But you eat the leftover Chinese food from the night before sandwiched between two pieces of bread, and suddenly you're crazy.

But that's just the tip of the iceberg. Because we've now officially entered "the holiday season." The holiday season is a period of time starting from the Thanksgiving weekend to the New Year. And to quote Lewis Black, "Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit." This is the time of year we can let ourselves go and "blame it on the holidays." But that's crap, and I know it's crap, because Americans can always find a reason to eat. Let's start with "the holiday season";

(oh, the things Americans will do to get pie treats)

Thanksgiving - turkey, potatoes, pies, and in case you don't want to eat your words, you may want to bite your tongue.

Christmas - candy canes, sugar cookies, gingerbread houses (or the easier, more economical graham cracker houses), sugarplums (or so I've been led to believe)

New Year's Eve - assorted fatty foods, junk foods, and also healthy foods such as a relish tray that doesn't seem to get eaten

But it doesn't stop there...

Valentine's Day - candy hearts, heart-shaped chocolates, chocolates that come in a heart-shaped package

St. Patrick's Day - Look, I'm not gonna lie; I don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day. I actually go out of my way to not wear green. I don't have a drop of Irish blood in me. I come from Anglo-Nordic stock. Honestly, my family could use a little color. That's why I need to find me an Indian chick (the most beautiful women in the world). But I digress. So, I don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day. But who doesn't enjoy drinking and corned beef and cabbage?

Easter - nothing says "Jesus" quite like brightly colored eggs and jelly beans

Cinco de Mayo - I don't actively celebrate the Mexican army's victory over the French, but you better believe I enjoy Mexican food. The more authentic, the better. Sorry, Taco Time.

Summer Vacation - barbecues, cookouts, camping trips (I hate camping, but I love a good bonfire, and if you have hot dogs, marshmallows, and Starburst to roast, even better)

Fourth of July - 'Merica! On this one day alone, as many as 155 million hot dogs will be downed, not to mention cakes, pies, root beer, and whatever Chinese gun powder you may inhale.

Peach Days - Okay, so this is a Brigham City thing. But peach cobbler is made en masse and eaten just as readily, along with the various carnival/specialty foods served at various booths.

Halloween - Candy. Candy. Candy. Vomit. Repeat.

And just when the sugar rush dies down...

You're back to Thanksgiving. It's American excess and gluttony, Charlie Brown! Now shut up and eat!

* (I'm kidding, Canada. You know I love you.)