Let me first just say, I am pro-free speech, anti-censorship. I don't approve of what everyone says, but there's this wonderful quote I found by Neal Boortz that defines it nicely; "Free speech is meant to protect unpopular speech. Popular speech, by definition, needs no protection." That being said, there are some things people say that really get on my nerves. It's like those trolls on the internet; there's no way to constitutionally regulate them, but they really make going to Youtube less fun. So please, accept this not as a call to action, to end needlessly stupid comments.
1) "It's okay, my (blank) is (blank)."
Somebody finishes telling a retard joke. As the laughter stops, someone comments on how bad that joke was. Then, the joker says, "It's okay, my brother is handicapped." So that makes it all better, does it? Riiiiiight. Boy, is that some flawed logic. Shouldn't that, if anything, make things worse? You're using your relationship with somebody as a crutch for making hurtful comments. When I say something stupid or mean, I just let people know I'm a crappy person. Who's really going to debate that? It's the same thing when white people use the n-word. "What's up, nigga?" "Dude, you're white." I often hear people (mostly white) complain about how it's unfair that only black people can say "nigga." Look buddy, white people have had it pretty easy. I tell you what, once white people have been enslaved for two hundred years, we can use the n-word. But just so you know, there is no difference between "nigga" and "nigger." It's the same word. Sorry, cracker. And just for the record, my brother calls me "niglet" as a term of endearment.
(I only assume this is how my brother sees me)
2) "It says in the Bible..."
Regardless of your theological views, this is the worst debate method you can use (except maybe spouting off what you heard on TV). This argument is mostly used against homosexuality. Now, I've read the Bible, and it says a whole lot of crazy things (particularly in the Old Testament). We don't stone people to death for sinning anymore (well, at least not in America - U.S.A.! U.S.A.!), so I don't think we should cast stones over things that don't apply to us personally. Raise your children the way you see fit and don't expect the world to agree with you. Don't judge people because they sin differently than you do.
3) "That's what she said/...in bed."
I want to like The Office. Many of my friends and family really like it. Dwight Schrute and Michael Scott have almost become household names. I've seen it. And it's pretty funny. But they started something that I just cannot forgive... "That's what she said." Yes, these four words can make any comment vaguely sexual. I've heard it a hundred times before. And every one of those times, it got laughter. But I'd warrant only about three of those times were actually funny. It's like back when Chappelle's Show was still on. Dave Chappelle is a funny guy. He's really funny as Lil Jon. I haven't heard an equal. Ever. That means you, whoever I heard repeat "WHAAAT?" and "YEEEEAHH!" No wonder Dave Chappelle quit his show. I'd get pissed seeing a bunch of 13-year-olds steal my material, too.
And let's not forget the long-standing tradition of cracking open your fortune cookies after a nice Chinese meal... in bed. I have been a guilty proprietor of this. Sometimes it's funny, but I'd give it the same 3-out-of-100 odds I gave "That's what she said." A couple of the funniest fortunes I ever heard could never be enhanced "in bed." They were a direct result of some very poor Engrish. The first one was received by a friend of mine; "Have patience. The Great Wall didn't got build in one day." See? It's a result of poor conjugation. "In bed" would have actually made it less funny. The next one was one I got myself; "You are smart, for you do things smartly." The redundancy (and I suppose the fallacy) is what makes it funny. I'm proud of it. I put it on my journal.
4) "Excuse you."
You go to the movies. You purchase your ticket, your popcorn, and your beverage. You take your seat. You're waiting for your movie to start when a behemoth of a man, roughly the size and weight of a cement truck, tries to waddle in past you. You stand up and make as much room as you can, but for a man of his size, you would have to move the entire row back just to properly accommodate him. As he squishes his sweaty flab past you, you finally settle back into your seat when you hear the lady next to you say "Excuse you!" Some of you may sympathize with the lady. I mean, she just got a whiff of Rikishi's swass.
(pictured; Rikishi's swass)
But at this point, I'm actually more angry with the lady. Yes, he's large. You think he doesn't know this? It was very nice of you to call attention to his weight problem. But there's a whole world filled with these self-righteous idiots. Let's say, for example, you have to fart. It's to the point where holding it in is actually causing you mental and physical pain. But you're in the grocery store and the restroom is clear on the other side of the store. So, as you walk past Mr. Here-to-Buy-Food-for-My-Cats, you let one sneak out. He can smell it. Now, he can either a) let it be and get on with his life or b) call you out on it in public. He opts for the latter. Obviously, farting in public isn't very classy. But making everyone aware of it is somewhat less classy. It's not a matter of manners; it's a matter of class. By the way, this is why I always fart when I have to.
(most fat people already have to deal with enough embarrassment)
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