The Only Rights a Chicken Have are Extra Crispy or Original Recipe

I tried the new turkey burger at Burger King. I did so because I remember getting turkey patties in Brazil and enjoying them. Then, I remembered I bought the turkey patties because I didn't like their beef patties. Then, I remembered one of my earliest concerns in Brazil was eating horse. I have a mild phobia of horses. It may have something to do with my somewhat irrational fear of being kicked or trampled, or perhaps it's mostly penis envy. And then, just recently, Burger King admitted to using horse meat (or possibly donkey meat) in their "beef" patties. So, this begs the question; why the hell wasn't I eating horse?

I would make a miserable cowboy. I've ridden on a horse before once at Scout Camp. I never really cared for Scout Camp, and I didn't really care much for that horse, either. I'd be a terrible cowboy. I thank God I never had to make that decision.

(yeah, that's more my style)

So, what's the big deal about eating horse anyway? Different cultures around the world do it. What, are you afraid of a little cultural variety, you xenophobe? It's not like we're feeding you people.

(not yet, we're not)

But there's a group of people who can't discern the difference between people and animals. We call them vegans (among other offensive slurs). Unclench your butt-cheeks, vegans and vegetarians, I'm about to make some gross generalizations, as you have so willingly done for me and my friends.

Look, I like animals. I love dogs. I like lizards. I like some cats and rodents. But I find something wrong with a culture that gives more value to animals than to human life. These people won't eat anything that comes from an animal or use any product tested on animals. Apparently, human beings have been eating the wrong thing... for millions of years! Thanks, vegans! Truly, you are the future. And vegans are somehow increasing in popularity. Just a few celebrity vegans include Mike Tyson, Ted Danson, Bill Clinton (post-heart surgery), and Eric Roberts (after Sharktopus, I thought he could do no wrong). Oh, yeah. And Russell Brand. So now you have another reason to hate him.

(as if you really needed another reason)

But that's not where my issues end. I'm on ranting roll, so let me air my grievances. Vegans also have a strong tie with PETA (obviously) and anti-WASP feminism (actually, also pretty obvious). I'll get to my anti-PETA rant in a moment, let me first address the feminists.

I actually consider myself a bit of a feminist. I don't see "man's work" or "woman's work," just "work that needs done." If you want to be businesswoman, go for it. If you don't want to get married and have kids, then don't. If you want to be a bouncer at a nudie bar, more power to you, Butch. I don't care, and I absolutely think that you should receive equal pay, as long as the job is being done. I have two main issues with feminists;

First, yes, men are greedy perverts. But don't address the bad without addressing the good. Men made nuclear weapons, founded religion, and hunted several defenseless animals to extinction. We also developed vaccines and medications, discovered lands, and made the freaking lightbulb (man also stole that idea from another man, but that's another story). Don't forget, men also played a role in making you.

(you're welcome)

Second, don't claim to be a pro-choice feminist and then scorn other women who decide to lead a different life than you do. Just because you want to be an unwed careerist doesn't mean all women want that. Some women actually want to be mothers. And that's their choice. And they can have as many babies as they want. They should be responsible, but it's their right to conceive. I thought you were all about individualism. God knows I myself wouldn't want to do that. I'm glad to be a man. Periods sound awful, pregnancy sounds incredibly inconvenient, and giving birth sounds like pure horror.

(pictured; my fear of childbirth)

Now, onto PETA. PETA is provably evil. I can already hear the animal activists collectively groan "But we need an organization to give voice to the voiceless!" We already have one. It's called the Humane Society. They're the good guys in all of this. Now, let me tell you PETA is evil;

1) Their overall goal is "total animal liberation." That means no pets (unless you're a member of PETA, in which case they're called "animal companions"). That also means no meat, no milk, no leather (sounding familiar, vegans?), no zoos, no circuses, no hunting nor fishing, not even service animals including seeing-eye dogs. I hope PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk is blinded by a rabid parakeet. Then again, if she's not willing to get a seeing-eye dog, she could always get Russell Brand to guide her around on a leash.

(down boy! down!)

2) Despite their incessant bitching about "unethical" treatment of animals, in 2005, they put over 90% of the animals they collected to death. Talk about hypocrisy.

3) They donate thousands of dollars to eco-terrorists, including Earth Liberation Front and Animal Liberation Front, responsible for arson, firebombs, and death threats.

4) They give animals equal or more value than humans. I'm not saying there's no such thing as animal abuse. Thanks to the Humane Society, we're working on ending that. But to draw comparisons between slaughterhouses and the Holocaust is to devalue the lives of millions of innocent lives lost at the hands of Nazi Germany. No pig or cow has ever made the same contributions to the world that any human being has.

5) They're a bunch of propagandists. They target children with anti-meat and anti-milk propaganda. One piece of PETA literature is called "Your Mommy Kills Animals!" Charming. And then they get beautiful women to sponsor them in blatantly sexual advertisements. Isn't it ironic that while opposing animal exploitation, they constantly exploit humans?

(please! for Heaven's sake! please, stop exploiting humans!)