You probably don't know me. That's okay, I don't really know you, either. And I don't think you want to know me; I've heard from a handful of reliable sources that I'm a bit of an asshole. But I've noticed something - many of them tell me this after asking for my advice. So that begs the question, am I an asshole, or just painfully honest?
(much like my hero, "Painfully Honest Abe")
Awhile ago, I had a short stint at college. I would have stayed there longer, but one problem is that I put little effort into my studies - I just stopped caring. Another problem is that I attended BYU-Idaho. But I digress. I had a public speaking class, which despite my poor attendance record, I actually enjoyed. For the final (which I actually attended!), we were put into groups and given the task of assigning an award for some of our classmates. I don't remember much beyond the award I was given; The King of Blunt Statements. Has a nice ring to it, yes? I was ecstatic. After being called things like dick, douche bag, and even douche canoe, I finally had an appropriate title. I'm sure I'd offended some of the people in my class, especially when I kind of defended child molesters (HOLD ON, LET ME TELL THE STORY!).
A girl had prepared a well-planned, but grossly inhumane lecture on child molesters. In her closing statement, she said "if it were up to me, I'd have all child molesters castrated." So, ever the upstanding citizen, I raised my hand and voiced my opinion, telling her (with the disclaimer, "I don't support child molesters") how wrong it was to use an argument like that during a lecture. She jumped to point out that it was "just her opinion." I reminded her it was supposed to be a persuasive speech, not a damning one.
So, child molesters or no, I am a blunt person. And I have some advice for you.
Let me begin by telling you that you are an attractive, talented person. But you already know that. And that's one of your flaws. You're too self-aware. You've got to
1) stop playing the victim. Kanye West is a provable asshole. Not blunt, just an ass. What Kanye West did to you at the 2009 MTV Music Video Awards is evidence of that. So, what did you do? You wrote a decent song called "Innocent." But here's the thing; you're not all that innocent.
(for future reference, sheer tops don't exactly scream "innocence")
So, the next piece of advice I have for you is to
2) drop the "good girl" act. No one's buying it anymore. You've dated John Mayer and a Kennedy. You're not fooling anybody, except for maybe my manager at work.
("Taylor Alison Swift is a saint!")
John Mayer is a semi-talented, funny guy who seems to date as many women as it takes to prove his heterosexuality. And Conor Kennedy? Look at his family. John and Robert allegedly both slept with Marilyn Monroe. And Uncle Ted? Well, let's just say you're lucky you got out of that alive. But you've had many relationships (and good for you, you've got something on little ol' virginal me), and that kind of leads into the next step. You really oughtta
3) quit bitching about your personal relationships. This is showbiz, baby. People get married and divorced a week later. If you don't want people to make fun of your love life, then stop writing songs about your love life. You are now part of a glitzy, glamorous Hollywood profile. People are always gonna show interest in your love life (we call these creeps "paparazzi," but we're all part of the problem - if we would stop buying this shit, they would be out of a job, and then they would just be called voyeurists). But you keep drawing more attention to your love life with your songs. I personally have a hard time discerning which song is about which ex-boyfriend. And it's really hard for me to feel sorry for you when you say "I knew you were trouble when you walked in" (which, I assume, is followed by "so I just knew it would make a great song").
But if you must continue writing songs about your love life,
4) date me. I'm the least you could do. I promise to lick your boots, worship the ground you walk on, and be pussy-whipped in general. And if things don't work out, you could write a great song about me called "Jackass," "Fatass," or "Asshole." I dunno, something about me being an ass.
(this would also make a great song)
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