Holiday Inn, Holiday Out

Don't you just love the holidays?

I sure don't.

Don't get me wrong. I like celebrating the New Year. I love Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July. And, despite my mixed emotions, I even enjoy Christmas. And then we've got Halloween, Valentine's Day, birthdays (which happen every day), not to mention all the other federal, public, and religious holidays. But do you ever really need an excuse to celebrate? I mean, every day you wake up is a day you're still alive. Isn't that something worth celebrating?

There are way too many holidays. A lot of them are celebrated without even knowing why. Can anybody tell me why we celebrate St. Patrick's Day? (Just to be clear, I'm using the term "we" loosely; I don't celebrate it. Coming from Anglo-Nordic stock, I'm about 3.2% Irish, which is the same as the alcohol content in the state of Utah, which any of my drinking friends will tell you is no reason to celebrate.) It's about the arrival of Christianity in Ireland and, apparently, the expulsion of the snakes. Makes sense to me. I imagine the snakes thought "Christianity? God, no! From the earliest passages of scripture, we're associated with Lucifer."

("That'ssssssss not how we ssssssssound!")

How about Cinco de Mayo? It ain't the Mexican Independence Day. It's a celebration of Mexico's victory over France, and it's more widely celebrated in the United States than in Mexico. Is this because of American ignorance and bravado, or because of our well-documented hatred of the French? The answer is probably both.

If I had things my way (and believe me, you want me to have things my way), I'd solve the holiday crisis. And I'd do it the following ways;

1) Make the Fourth of July a national holiday. For constitutional reasons, the United States doesn't have conventional national holidays, in that there are no days in which all businesses are closed. But it seems ironic that we can't celebrate the birth of a nation on a national scale.

(no, not that Birth of a Nation)

2) Give Christmas back to the pagans. It's only fair, Christians. You took it from them, now give it back. And I'm sure they'll let you celebrate their holiday if you're nice. And in turn, they'll let you have Easter.

(be nice to the pagans - Nicolas Cage had to learn that the hard way)

3) Valoween; the amalgamated Valentine's Day and Halloween. I believe these two holidays are already the same thing; children celebrate by giving each other candy, adults celebrate by dressing like sluts.

(Halloween costume, or sexy Valentine's Day roleplay?)

I know that on a traditional scale, that one celebrates love and the other celebrates fear, but really, those are the same feelings, too. Anybody who contends otherwise has never been in love (or at least lustfully infatuated). And this is the perfect opportunity for people who bitch and bicker about "Single Awareness Day" to go door-to-door asking for sex. Trick... or treat?

(definitely both)

4) There will be a "Hangover Day" to be celebrated twice a year; on New Year's Day (to accommodate for New Year's Eve) and every Monday after the Super Bowl. You're welcome. I was considering making it three times a year, for an Independence Day accommodation, but let's be sensible - you probably shouldn't be drinking and lighting fireworks anyway.

(pictured; the best, scientifically-proven cure for a hangover)

5) Combine all the unnecessary, idiotic holidays - Arbor Day, Labor Day, April Fools' Day, etc. - into one day called "Vacation Day." This will be celebrated every first second Monday in September. This gives children a breath of relief from "back-to-school" stress, and it gives adults another excuse to drink.

(not like you really need an excuse)

6) Thanksgiving shall remain as is. Black Friday shall become Black Saturday, or "Black Sabbath." (Thanksgiving is about eating and relaxing, not Christmas preparation).

(pictured; gifts for next year's Black Friday)

That's about ten holidays a year. If that's not enough for you, you don't have enough reasons to celebrate.