Democracy Now, Apocalypse Later

Ah, the Presidential race. Like a twisted game of Wheel of Fortune, it can really end any number of ways. Mitt Romney is a two-faced, flip-flopping villain with too much hair gel and not enough determination. Not to be outdone, Barack Obama has proven to be just as indecisive and deprived of integrity as Romney (as proven by his hesitancy to support gay marriage), which is sad, 'cause I want to like the guy; after all, he's the freakin' President, and probably will be for another four years. Quit telling me Obama has helped the economy - he's inherited a shitstorm and has only contributed to it. Quit telling me Romney will do better - based on his track record, I have no reason to believe he will. Ron Paul has a strong libertarian following, but as I've come to learn, he truly is unelectable, based on the fact that no one will elect him. I like Jon Huntsman and only hope there is still a United States when he runs for President in 2016.

I say this, but I have yet to vote for the President. Yes, my first year of age to contribute to the democratic process, I was out of the country, and was unable (and unwilling) to vote, due to my gross misinformation about the candidates. All I knew was it was a black guy against a white chick (because let's face it, Sarah Palin was really the determining factor in 2008). Should I have voted, it probably would have been for Obama, because Brazilians were strongly in favor of "the black guy." And I don't think anybody who doesn't do their share for democracy is at liberty to criticize the government. So who will I vote for come November?

Cue the spotlight.

That's right, I'm announcing my bid for President. I'm registered as a Republican (due mainly to the fact that I live in Utah, and registering as anything but Republican outside of Salt Lake City is pretty much futile). You see, I wanted to contribute to the democratic process, but nobody told me democracy is dead. Seriously, the way they do primaries is laughable. So although I'm currently registered as a Republican, I will be re-registering as an Independent. But if I may be so bold, I will be running under the The Rent is Too Damn High ticket. I would like to offer Jimmy McMillan the position for Chief of Staff. I would further like to appoint Herman Cain as the Secretary of Treasury, Jon Huntsman as Secretary of State (if no one else is going to give him the job he deserves, I'll give him one), and Vince Vaughn as Vice President (he's the only logical choice). I'm not married, so I'd like to extend an open tryout for my First Lady (I'll admit it; it's a personal choice).

So.. what do I have to offer?

As President, I promise you this;

First, I will finally hold those MMA-style fights pitting Bill O'Reilly against Bill Maher, Rush Limbaugh against Michael Moore, and Glenn Beck against... who is the Glenn Beck of the left? Is there anyone that idiotic on any side but his own? The matches will be announced by Vince Vaughn and myself, with Stephen Colbert as our ring announcer. All money made from the event will be contributed to the economy.

(I doubt they'd turn down the offer to fight)

Would anybody miss the Dakotas? North or South? Including those who live there? 'Cause we're gonna sell them to China! We gotta pay off that deficit somehow, and really, who's gonna miss it? We can use Mt. Rushmore as our U.S. Embassy for China. And this way you could tell people you've been to another country! What fun!

(renovations will need to be made)

Know how to stop the illegal immigrant problem at its source? Give the U.S. and Mexico what they both want; make Mexico a state. Mexicans then will receive the same benefits of an American citizen, and the U.S. will get another taxable, profitable state!

(now, now - there'll be no need for that)

Do I have any other good ideas? I might...

And finally, if you vote for me, I will make all of your wildest dreams come true.

(I realize it's an old reference, but it's still a good one)