Ten Things to Hate About Me

There are only ten things you need to know about me;

1) I dislike dolphins. They are dumb, no matter what some hippie says. But they taste good on a sandwich.

2) I often use "dude" (and sometimes "guy") unisexually.

3) Jeff Dunham is not funny. Dane Cook is unfunny.

4) I had (have) a crush on the Pink Ranger, Amy Jo Johnson. She was my first real crush (I had a prior crush on the animated version of April O'Neil, but that hardly counts). After that, it was (is) probably Tiffani Thiessen/Kelly Kapowski.

5) I hate doctor/cop shows. They are all the same Dr. CSI garbage. The most original shows on television are those that mock existing shows, i.e. NTSF:SD:SUV::, Childrens Hospital, and the upcoming The Heart, She Holler.

6) I love movies, good and bad. But I have a hard time watching movies once they've been hyped up. Once they become too popular, if I still haven't seen it, I don't want to see it, because I've already heard all about it. As such, I refuse to watch Avatar or Inception.

7) Through excessive use of sarcasm and anti-humor, people sometimes don't know whether I'm serious or kidding. But although I'm sarcastic, I am also blunt. If you have an ugly baby, I might not tell you it's ugly, but I won't tell you it's cute.

8) I love writing. I hope to one day write and publish novels. I know I have mentioned this a few times in the past, but I'm telling you everything you need to know. So get off my back.

9) Urban Dictionary sums Brent up best as "A male who, at first glance, seems to be a douchebag, but upon further study will turn out to have a heart of gold."

10) I can be quite indecisive, but I am very opinionated. Although I claim to be speaking the truth, I believe nobody really knows "the whole truth," they just see things differently. Call it subjectivity.

Also, I make a mean sandwich. So, I guess that's eleven things. My bad.

Hijacking the Batmobile

Back in high school, I never really had a "clique." I never fit in with any certain group of kids. I loitered with the rockers. I made fun of the punks. I daydreamed of cheerleaders. I was on good terms, if nothing else, with the jocks (at least the wrestlers and some of the football players; I thought the basketball team were jerks and the baseball team was cocky). But at lunch, I always sat with the geeks. And although I didn't watch anime and I've never been tech-savvy (it's by the grace of God that I can actually operate a computer, insomuch as turning on, blogging, and turning it off), I feel this is the group with which I mix best. It's time to claim my rightful position amongst the geek population. I know that's a position that has to be earned, but I believe I'm qualified. Besides looking the part (sorry, if I don't fit the bronzed, chiseled specimen you were hoping for, ladies - assuming there are any females in the audience), here are some of my credentials;

(this is what I would look like with a beard)

1) I'm a comic book geek. But I don't care so much for Batman or Spiderman as I do for some of their seedier counterparts, i.e. Usagi Yojimbo (a rabbit samurai), the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (trust me, the comic books are way better than the cartoons or the movies), Amalgam Comics (an amalgamation of the DC and Marvel universes; clever, right?), and Deadpool (please disregard the version portrayed by Ryan Reynolds in X-Men Origins; the "real" Deadpool is like a demented, sarcastic, masked version of The Punisher).

2) I'm a Star Wars geek. That's not to say I know every nook and cranny and obscure character in the saga (especially taking into consideration there are many novelizations thereof which are considered canonical). But don't let that put you off. Let me put it this way; I could write a thesis on the complexity of relationships using the characters from Star Wars. That being said, I think the prequels could have sucked considerably less if Qui-Gon Jinn had just let Jar Jar Binks die.

3) I am movie geek. My love of movies extends far beyond a galaxy far, far away. I tend to be the guy people look to if they're trying to remember who played who in what movie (Q: Who's the guy that auditioned to sing at Drew Barrymore's wedding in The Wedding Singer? Jon Lovitz). And I like good movies; I've seen Casablanca and Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and a number of other classics. But I love bad movies. Not so much the movies that try to be good and end up bad, but the ones you know are going to be awful from the get-go, i.e. old Japanese monster movies, '50s science fiction, low-budget horror films (esp. from the '80s), and any Syfy original movie.

4) I am a philosophy geek. Increasingly often, I find myself trying to categorize people into branches philosophy. For example, Emperor Palpatine is clearly a Machiavellian realist, whereas Han Solo appears to be more of a pragmatic skeptic. I consider myself a postmodern transcendental idealist. Only a geek could be that obsessive over social theory.

5) I am a documentary geek. I often find myself drawn into documentaries on the History Channel or the Travel Channel or, more often than not, the Food Network. Aside from casually watching them on television, there are documentaries I actively seek out, particularly those about serial killers, the Soviet Union (I've recently developed an obsession with Communism; weird, I know), or Nazi occultism. While we're on the subject, what is with America's obsession with Nazism? It seems that the only thing they play on the History Channel is crap about Hitler. Don't get me wrong. I like playing video games, killing Nazi Zombies as much as anyone (probably more so). And I enjoy the occasional campy Nazi-related movie. But can't we do something about Commie Zombies? Somebody should look into that. Get on it, fellow geeks!

Duality of Man

The following conversation is dialogue from the movie Full Metal Jacket.

Pogue Colonel: You write "Born to Kill" on your helmet and you wear a peace button. What's that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?
Private Joker: No, sir.
Colonel: You'd better get your head and your ass wired together.
Joker: Yes, sir.
Colonel: Now answer my question or you'll be standing tall before the man.
Joker: I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir.
Colonel: The what?
Joker: The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.

The duality of man refers to the two opposing sides of human nature (i.e. good and evil). Everyone is bit of both. "Good people" can do "bad" things and "bad people" are capable of doing "good" things.

Clearly, human nature is very contradictory.

This particularly clear in the practice of government and politics. That's why the Tea Party can protest "big government" regulation while using government subsidies such as welfare, social security, and medicaid. This is why the Occupy Wall Street protestors riot against corporations while eating McDonald's and using their mobile phones (way to stick it to the man, fellas). Maybe you're saying, "You just don't get it." No. I get it. And I'm explaining it to you.

You first, Tea Party. I support what they call "small government," but I understand the necessity of government regulation. Public schools? The postal service? Police officers and fire fighters? All part of government funding.

Now I'm looking at you OWS. I am a capitalist. I am pro-corporations. I think somebody who contributes something to society and works his way to the top deserves recompense. I don't support greed. It's beyond ridiculous that the top 1% control 42% of financial wealth. I think all this calls for is reformation. Not a revolution. Immediate debt forgiveness and guaranteed wages for the unemployed are not the solution. They're just going to make the financial situation worse. And I don't trust any group that includes socialists, anarchists, hippies, and Geraldo Rivera.

In my unbiased opinion, with so much friendly fire, life can get pretty ugly. But that's old news.

See what I did there? I used oxymoron, a figure of speech which combines contradictory terms. How clever of me.

So why the confrontation? Can't we just admit that we're all confused?

(derp!)

I am a man of contradictions. I like my hot dogs burnt and my steak rare.

(Aaron Eckhart knows what I'm talking about)

All Hallow This!

October 13, 2011 - Day 13 of the Five Dollar Foot Long Epidemic. The zombies (customers, for those who don't understand subtlety) just keep coming. They crave cheap food and they won't be satisfied until they get it. Their numbers grow larger every day. They have begun to multiply and mutate. I have identified some of these infected (as plagiarized from Left 4 Dead);

1) The Tank - Generally physically fit (or at least not obese) zombies who buy into Subway's "health food" facade. They opt for "healthy" sandwiches. They fool themselves into thinking that they're eating well, when any uninfected person would be a bit skeptical after seeing my chubby butt is the one serving them.

2) The Boomer - A bloated zombie who doesn't kid himself/herself with the "health food" nonsense. They want the Chicken Bacon Ranch, and they want it with extra ranch. The term "boomer" comes from the fact that they eat until they explode, and somehow inevitably end up attracting more zombies.

3) The Hunter - An agile zombie that pounces and seizes the opportunity to buy five dollar foot longs by buying them in bulk.

4) The Witch - A passive zombie that will become aggressive and start screaming when you make a simple mistake on their sandwich or leave them waiting for too long or if you're out of Italian Herbs and Cheese bread.

Honestly, it seems appropriate that Five Dollar Foot Long Month should land on an October. As the children anticipate going door-to-door asking people for free candy, so the adults among them anticipate harassing the local Subway.

I am not a big fan of Halloween, myself. I hold no grudge against candy (clearly not), but I don't like it any more on Halloween than I do any other day of the year. And I can certainly appreciate the creativity some people put into it. I know of a married couple who have come up with some very clever costumes. One year she was Michael Jackson (albeit a very pretty one) and he was a 12-year old boy (this was before Jacko died, so it wasn't untimely). The next year he went as Barack Obama (in full blackface) and she went as Sarah Palin. One of my brothers and his wife went as a Ghostbuster and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man respectively. You see, I like that. That's creative. But for most people, it's just an excuse to dress up as whores. I don't think they make non-skanky women's costumes anymore. Sexy pirates, sexy nurses, sexy angels - hell, I wouldn't be surprised to find out they have a sexy Amish girl costume available. I don't want to sound like a prude, it's just that I find inventive costumes more impressive than themed prostitute outfits. Besides, like candy, I don't like pretty girls any more on Halloween than I do any other time of year. And then there are the teenagers who go Trick-or-Treating, most of them dressed as slack-off losers (i.e. themselves). Don't you guys realize you're literally taking candy from children? Don't you have some underage drinking to do?

(I only wish I could pull something as scary as this off*)

Halloween, or "All-Hallow's-Eve," originates from the ancient Roman holiday of Parentalia, which is held in honor of deceased relatives and ancestors, and the Celtic harvest festival of Samhain. Dead people and harvesting foods, mixed with a little modern commercialism. This sounds great for marketing! Even with the condescending, often puritanical theology dictating our country, nobody embraces paganism quite like America. I'm looking at you, Christmas! But that's another story for another day...

(prepare yourselves)

*If Mike Tyson ever happens to read this (no matter how unlikely that may be), allow me to say I was only kidding. You are a boxing legend and you seem like a pretty cool guy. Please don't hurt me.

If You're Working Right, It'll Be Like You're Not Even Working at All

Throughout my years in the K-12 public schooling program, people used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and the the answer was always the same; I don't know. And as I've gotten older, wiser, and more mature, my answer has become even more blunt; "I doubt I'm going to grow up any more."

There are basically to trains of thought; do what you love and do what is practical. It is my goal today to disprove both of them.

If I were to do what I loved for a living, I would be;

1) a political cartoonist/political commentator

2) a radio show host/talk show host

3) a writer

4) a film critic

5) a dinosaur

I know what you're thinking; "But, jinkies, Scoob, that doesn't sound too bad!" Maybe not, but I'm not sure how to go about doing any of that. Not everyone can be a Thomas Nast or a Johnny Carson or a Michael Crichton or a Roger Ebert. And I would probably make a better dinosaur than any of the other things on that list. I already kind of resemble Earl Sinclair.

If I were to do what was practical, well, let's just say college would still be an option. But seeing how it's not currently an option, I have a hard time seeing practicality in anything. I could stay at Subway, but that hardly seems practical. And therein lies the issue. Not everybody is going to be rich and successful. Some of us are going to be the guys who make burgers or shine shoes for the rich. There's no shame in that; it's necessary in capitalism. But I don't believe I'm destined to be a burger flipper, partially because I don't believe in destiny, but mostly because I would never be content at a Jack in the Box or a Del Taco (unless I owned it).

The simple truth is you gotta do what you gotta do, regardless of practicality or enjoyment. Do you think the guy who scrubs up whale vomit at Seaworld for minimum wage enjoys what he does? Some of them probably do (I sure don't want to meet that guy), but most of them probably don't. But unless you inherit it from a dying relative, you're never going to become the head whale vomit-cleaner without working your way to the top from the bottom. Most successful comedians start out working small clubs for about $20 and free beer (if that). Mike Tyson was once just a troubled youth from Brooklyn before achieving success as a boxer (albeit controversial) and later as the best part of The Hangover.

Do what you will, and you will make do.