Other People on the Campaign Trail '12

It was my intention to make this a weekly blog, but last week came and went, and the blog is still here untainted... and relatively unread... douche bags.

Anyways, you haven't missed out on much. The past week hasn't been overly productive, but it hasn't been a waste either. Basically, I've started narrowing down my list of potential sugar mamas. Let the cougar hunt begin!

(yeah, it still looks pretty tacky...)

Speaking of hunting, looks like we have an official list of potential Republican presidential candidates; Mitt Romney, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, and (possibly) Jon Huntsman. Sarah Palin hasn't made an official announcement yet (thankfully), and Donald Trump has (thankfully) dropped out. I don't know why for the life of me. By all mean, The Donald had the support of Meat Loaf and Gary Busey (and I'm guessing Mr. T and Skeletor and a bunch of other celebrities that were mildly relevant back in the '80s).

("I'm Cobra Commander, and I approve thissssss messssage...")

I think I dig Ron Paul. He seems to know what libertarianism means, as opposed to the majority of the Tea Party. I'm looking for something a little more Penn Jillette, and a little less Glenn Beck. Lance has voiced his support of Jon Huntsman, if he decides to run. Basically, we've all talked and come to a consensus that we're not voting for Barack Obama. It's not that we hate the guy. We don't even dislike the guy. We just don't care for the guy. And that's the problem; we don't feel strongly one way or another about him. Way to go, Obama. We feel completely apathetic towards you, roughly the same way we feel about Chester A. Arthur.

(and God knows we don't need another Warren G. Harding!)

So far, it looks like Mitt Romney is the front runner, which I find mildly upsetting. It's not an issue of religion, it's an issue of policies and change in policies. In the past few months, he's gone from a moderately liberal Republican RINO to a hilariously conservative Tea Partier. I feel as though I just can't trust the guy. At what point do you stop courting the nomination and start selling out?

But maybe I'm just being picky. After all, who trusts politicians, anyhow? At this point, it looks like Mitt Romney is the Republican candidate, in which case I'll do a write-in ballot for Brian Wilson (the Giants' relief pitcher, not the singer; I'm not sure what his political views are, but when you're as awesome as that, does it matter?). If worse comes to worst, it'll be Palin/Trump, in which case I'll flee the country and live as royalty in Canada under the name "Larry Lee", the estranged and cynical son of Geddy Lee (I don't like Rush, so it shouldn't be that hard for me to play the part of Geddy's bitter illegitimate son). The only one I would feel equally apathetic towards is Herman Cain (although it would be neat to have a president that shares a name with Pee-Wee Herman).

(also, Herman Munster)

I guess it's still a bit too early to know for sure, but it's never too early for speculation. Speculation is what I do. I live in Utah, after all...

Sad Clowns & New Beginnings

Welcome to The Random Examiner, a proud affiliate of Other People's Kids. For those of you who don't know, Other People's Kids is an internet comedy troupe based in Utah formed by Lance and Levi Tarver, who I first met through high school collaborations in their now-defunct Sad Clowns Productions, under which they wrote and directed several high school assembly videos. Other People's Kids consists of Lance, Levi, Kurt Polk, Tony Sparrow, myself and Mike Jensen (sometimes known as Mike Summers, but we're trying to put an end to that). It is being referred by some people (me) as "the Monty Python of the youtube generation."

I have nothing but faith in the project. The Tarvers are both great directors and they're working with really talented and funny people. Lance is even pursuing a business degree to help legitimize his ambitions. Heaven forbid I ever get a real job. With skills like mine, I could never work as a public employee. And I can't go back to school.

(this pretty much sums up my academic performance)

But it's not to say I don't have backup plans. And if any of us need a backup plan, it's me. The following is a short list of things I can do if I don't make it as a comedic actor.

1) Disney Star

(...wait, what were we talking about?)

This one came to me as an epiphany when I was watching flipping through the channels one evening. I was thinking to myself "how can I possibly make it as an actor if I don't know how to act?" when I happened upon the last twenty minutes of High School Musical. What I saw was a bunch of admittedly beautiful people who didn't know how to act, sing, or dance, acting, singing, and dancing. I'm not young and sexy enough to have my own Disney show, but I could be a secondary actor. I could play the underachieving older brother or perhaps the creepy uncle.

2) Cougar Bait

(well, sure, it looks tacky on him, but I'd make it look tasteful)

Hollywood is full of beautiful, aging actresses looking for a younger guy to settle down and start a family with. At that end, some of them end up landing guy who, frankly, isn't in their league. I could be that guy. A sexy cougar and a bridge troll. I'd need to spend a lot of nights at Hollywood clubs approaching mildly inebriated and moderately depressed actresses, which I'm not used to, because a) I don't go to clubs and b) I don't drink that much. But I'm willing to sacrifice a couple hours of sleep on the hunt for my cougar.

3) Politician

(it's funny 'cause it's true... wait, did I say funny? I meant depressing)

I don't have a degree in political science and I really have any experience in politics besides occasionally watching TV, but that didn't stop professional wrestler-turned-actor-turned-Governor-turned-paranoid conspiracy theorist, Jesse Ventura. The only experience Arnold Schwarzenegger had was as a chairman on the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports under President Bush (H.W., not W.). But with the recent discovery of infidelity and a love child, it sounds as though the former Governator is as qualified as any John Edwards (and let's be honest, Maria Shriver shouldn't be surprised; she's a Kennedy, after all).

I was going to write a fourth, but I couldn't really think of anything more. I guess those are my only options. I suppose that means I'm screwed. I better pray this OPK thing takes off...