Broken Dreams and Illiterate Pirates

I had a dream. Not one of those helpful, peaceful dreams like Martin Luther King, Jr. At first, I was convinced that I was watching Pirates of Penzance (and really, for as confusing as the plot is for that, it might have been). A teacher is taken aboard a pirate ship where the pirates have hoards of not treasure, but books. They then sang a fantastic song called "Why Read?" (which I truly wish I could remember) where they pretty much say that there are millions of books in the world that you can never and will never read and the hazy retention of information ("What happened in chapter four of The Grapes of Wrath? What does it matter!") with a cameo appearance by Lewis Black as a prisoner of the pirates and a victim of their reverse indoctrination whose line is an epic "Look at the crap my people came up with!" as he holds up the Bible.

(hilarity ensues)

When I woke up, it occurred to me that my dream (vaguely) reflected my own brief experience as an English major. I've always enjoyed English class. And not just because my teacher my junior year was easily distracted by baseball and rocks (although Mr. Larson was one of my favorite teachers). I enjoy writing. I (mostly) enjoy reading. I actually enjoyed vocabulary tests and essays. But our education system is tragically failing. Kids want to grow up to be firefighters or ballerinas. No kid wants to be a scientist or an English teacher. And it's not surprising. Scientists don't have a lot of sex appeal. But if everybody got what they wanted, we'd have more firefighters and ballerinas, and less McDonald's employees and Sandwich Artists.

(this is what a degree in Art therapy will get you)

Politicians focus a lot of time and energy into promoting themselves as pro-kid and pro-education (with the exception of Scott Walker), but focus very little effort into actually improving education. As such, it can a be disheartening going into a career in education as thousands of teachers are currently losing their jobs.

You know what? This would be an entertaining musical/social satire, written from the perspective of a new student teacher. Of course, I wouldn't focus all my attention on English when there are so many other subjects. And nothing's sacred. That goes for your stupid kids. But it's not an attack on them so much as it is you. After all, they're simply the fruit of your stupid loins.

(pictured; stupid loins)

Make It a Mockbuster Night

Transmorphers. I Am Omega. Alien Vs. Hunter. Puss N' Boots. Sound familiar? That's because they're blatant ripoffs of more famous movies; Transformers, I Am Legend, Alien Vs. Predator, and Puss in Boots, respectively. And if that's not enough, you know who else uses plagiarism to capitalize on popular titles? Pornographers! Bathman, Edward Penishands, and the self-indulgent The Sex Files. Yes, when it comes to blockbusters, nothing's sacred. But why stop there? Why not go for the Academy gold?

(not that Transformers didn't have its good parts...)

I can't turn on the Syfy channel without seeing some lame, rehashed horse crap B-movie. But Randy, you're probably thinking, you love those movies! And you're absolutely right, I do love those movies. But how come I don't see any ripoffs of pretenious crap, like The Irish Patient or Terms of Endorsement? Take note of this, all of you would-be Ed Woods, there's money to be made. Not a lot, but money nonetheless.

I have an idea for just such a movie, called Precocious, borrowing the idea from the 2010 Oscar-nominated film, Precious. Now, I've never actually seen the movie, so I'm going to have to just fill in the gaps.

Precocious, an overweight, pregnant minority (possibly Polack), lives with her bitter, neglectful mother. A bookish mathlete, she falls in love with the most popular kid in school, star basketball player Troy (portrayed by Zac Efron), and soon discovers they make a good singing team. But time, and the obnoxious rich girl, Sharpay (Ashley Tisdale), are not on her side, as Sharpay schedules the singing competition at the same time as the decathlon and the big game! But love conquers all, and they win the decathlon, the game, and the talent show, proving once and for all that Disney movies don't need anatgonists.

Oh, wait. That's the plot to High School Musical.

(not to be confused with Precious)

Okay, so how about this; Gangs of New England. It'll be just like Gangs of New York minus Daniel Day-Lewis... set in Revolution-era Massachusetts! Samuel Adams, leader of the Whig party, lands a cushy job at a resort at the coast of colonial Boston, along with his girlfriend Gabriella and pal Chad. When the snobby British push him to switch his loyalties, he remembers those he's abandoned and quits his job at the resort and forms the Boston Tea Party, prompting the British to pass the Conciliatory Resolution. But that's a story to be told in High School Musical 3... Damn!

I guess this whole "mockbuster" business is harder than I thought. I thought all I had to do was ripoff famous movies, only changing names and the budget, but I'm drawing a blank. I'm looking for something a little more "Syfy" and a little less "Disney."

(yeah, that's it!)

Oh, well. I guess I'll just go back to watching Transmorphers.

(Transmorphers may not have had the same budget as Transformers, but at least it spared us of Shia LaBeouf)

The Stranded Examiner

I've been a bit depressed lately. It's not a rare phenomenon, and I'm not convinced it's the big d Depression, but I've been less than enthusiastic about life. This is not my cry for help, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be the sadsack. But depression is stressful, turning things of questionable importance into big deals. Some stress adds weight, some drops weight. I've never been blessed/cursed with the latter of the two. I was actually thinking of starting what I was going to call The Depression Cookbook, with recipes for sadness from miscellaneous fast food restaurants, as well as from the comfort of your own home, with personal favorites such as these;

The Nacho Sandwich (home recipe)

Sound delicious? It is. All you need is corn chips, cheese, salsa (the hotter, the better - it acts to remind you that you are still alive), white bread (none of that whole grain crap), and maybe some lettuce and Ranch dressing. As good as it is, I haven't made it for years. I'm still recuperating from the first one.

(I typed "nacho sandwich" in google search, and this came up. go figure)

The Chinese Leftovers Sandwich, a.k.a. "The Chow" (leftovers)

This can be done with Chinese food of any quality and any order, be it Panda Express or P.F. Chang's, orange chicken or sweet and sour prawns. It's for the guy who has no shame sandwiching cold oriental food between two slices of (white) bread. That means me. The only recommendation I have is to get lo mein. Those noodles go good on a sad sandwich.

(no image available. and for good reason)

American-Made (home recipe)

Baseball. Apple pie. White guilt. These things come to mind when you think of America. And what's the most American meal? Cheeseburgers? Close. Hot dogs? Or the much more optimistic name of tube-steaks? I was thinking of something a little higher-quality. Real steaks. And how can you make a steak even more 'Merican? Add a slice of 'Merican cheese. No kidding. I've done this, and I both love it and hate myself for thinking of it. Just a word of caution; this meal takes actual preparation, meaning you have to actually prepare the steak yourself. Unless you ordered from somewhere delicious, like Texas Roadhouse. Then all you have to do is get the cheese (Kraft American singles. don't get all stingy and get the imitation-imitation cheese).

(very 'Merican!)

The McBitchin (McDonald's)

Order a McDouble and a Hot N Spicy chicken sandwich (or multiple, depending on your level of depression). Open your McDouble and place the Hot N Spicy in between the two pieces of meat. Consume. (This one is actually much more popular than I previously imagined.)

(also known as the "McIhatemyself")

The Lonely Man Sandwich (Subway)

Order a meatball sub on any bread except for the wheat or honey (we don't have time to worry about the whole health safety b.s. - the whiter the bread, the sooner you're dead). Ask for the least meatball-appropriate cheese the local chain offers (American or pepperjack are a personal favorite). Would you like any dressing on that? Absolutely! Ranch is a novice choice; I'd ask for mayo. Mayonnaise is definitely the most depressing condiment (mayo + anything = sadness). And for those of you who prefer Miracle Whip, you're not fooling anybody. The same thing applies to it. Vegetables? Optional. But I would definitely ask for jalapeños.

(a meatball salad? and I didn't think meatballs could get any sadder)

Yes, those are all very lonely meals. They're also all very tasty (except for The Lonely Man. even though some days it sounds really good, it's never a good idea. still, probably a better idea than a meatball salad).

I enjoy writing. I want to write novels and screenplays. At any given point, I have about three or four ideas clanging around my skull. The hard part is getting those ideas out my head and onto paper. So, what then, do I do with my life? Do I live keeping these ideas to myself? Or do I try to force them out of my head? It's not like I have anything to lose. If I win, I win. If I lose, I lose. I've failed so many times at a number of things, what's one more thing? The truth is, as accustomed as I've become to failing, I've come to accept it as an inevitability. Anybody who has ever failed still fears failure. And that's no way to live.

(also very 'Merican)

A common analogy for feeling stranded is that of the treadmill, where you're running, but you're not going anywhere. I can certainly relate to that, but I've already turned my treadmill way down and I'm strolling through life in the same spot I was three years ago. It may seem hyperbolic, but I'm going to go with the less subtle analogy of the deserted island. And not some tropical paradise like Blue Lagoon (although there is much less incest). I feel like I'm lost on that damn Lost island where nothing makes any sense. What the crap was that? Were there dinosaurs on that island? Maybe I'm getting confused with Terra Nova. I admit I didn't really watch either of those shows.

I want to write, dammit, and I shall. The way I see it, writing is my way off the island. And if nobody finds my message in a bottle, at least I enjoyed writing it.

Kill the Batman

Batman was created in 1939 by artist Bob Kane and writer Bill Finger. After witnessing the murder of his parents as a boy, he was raised by their loyal English butler, Alfred, and later dedicated his life to protecting the city of Gotham, leaning on his father's company and inherited money to disguise himself as a playboy billionaire. So what makes Batman any better or more identifiable than Superman? Because underneath his costume, he's a normal guy who wants to do good. Superman is an alien who draws power from the sun.

And since then, there have been many depictions of him; Adam West (the earliest and second campiest thereof), Michael Keaton (in a surprisingly good performance), Val Kilmer (meh. I preferred him as Madmartigan), George Clooney (the campiest version thereof), and, most recently (and most accurately), Christian Bale. Yes, Christian Bale's performance in Christopher Nolan's Batman series has been widely acclaimed by critic and audience alike. And with the last movie in Nolan's series, The Dark Knight Rises, coming out so soon, there's only one logical direction to take.

Work on another reboot. Now.

Wait...

That's right, folks, they're already working on another Batman series. And Nolan is attached as a producer. Why? Because he can, mofos!

Honestly, I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, they're already releasing another Spider-Man (following the tragedy that was Sam Raimi's Spider-Man 3. that was harder to follow than watching Memento halfway through and the casting of Topher Grace as Eddy Brock/Venom was a poor decision. but I digress). But who will direct such a daunting film?

Hell, I'll do it.

(because I can, mofos!)

So, I guess all that's left is casting (as seems to be the case, story is secondary). I'm not going to worry about Alfred (honestly, any elderly English actor should do) or Robin (he won't be introduced until at least the second movie), and I don't care who plays Batman. There must be plenty of willing and capable actors to play Bruce Wayne. I'm just gonna make a list of actors who shouldn't play Batman, and I'll let my producers do the rest (you listening, Mr. Nolan?)

- Shia LaBeouf

Now that we have that out of the way, who should the villain be? All of the good villains have been done before (some of them multiple times). For this, we're going to have to dig deeper into the Batman vaults. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the lesser villains;

1) The Mad Hatter

the villain: Jervis Tetch became fascinated as a child by Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland, in particular the character of the Mad Hatter. In turn, he became obsessed with hats of all shapes and sizes, which he has incorporated in all sorts of brain-washing schemes for some reason. Like I said, these are the lesser villains.

the gritty reboot: I dunno, besides sounding rather idiotic, he already sounds a little deranged. I would have the Hatter make special hat torture devices, kind of like Saw for that hat lover. And he could adbuct people fitting the description of characters in Alice in Wonderland and Alice Through the Looking Glass and force them to reenact scenes from each book.

possible portrayals: Paul Giamatti would be perfect for this role. He's an incredibly talented actor, and I think he could bring a little demented childishness to a deluded psychopath.

(imagine this in a comically over-sized top-hat)

2) Egghead

the villain: A character with an egg obsession (which is even lamer than a hat obsession) created specifically for the live-action '60s series starring Adam West.

the gritty reboot: As a boy, Matthias O'Reilly lived on a chicken farm, raised by an abusive father and a neglectful mother. He wished to be a scientist, but his father wished him to run the struggling family business, and would punish and beat him for any science-related material, dismissing it as "the devil's playthings." He would soon begin conducting experiments, mutilating the animals on his property. He would later smother his father (who had passed out in a drunken rage) and shoot his mother (which he would blame on his father). Matthias was now free to conduct his experiments, where he would sell poisoned eggs to local bakers and grocers, changing name and location as needed. Sort of like the Unabomber with eggs.

possible portrayals: Vincent Price, the original Egghead, had a truly iconic voice. I would cast someone with an equally iconic voice and an unsettling presence; Christopher Walken. He's already appeared in one Batman movie.

(imagine this with a shaved head)

3) Scarface

the villain: Arnold Wesker, a quiet, meek ventriloquist, performs his crimes through a dummy named Scarface, modeled and named after Al Capone.

the gritty reboot: Arnold Wesker, an aging ventriloquist, has come to the realization that he is practicing a dying art form. He is heckled by audiences and overlooked by talent scouts, driving him into a state of manic depression. Before long, he develops schizophrenia, and starts hearing a voice in his head. He realizes the voice to be that of Scarface, a Prohibition-era gangster dummy that he had retired after he was told his jokes were "too dated." Scarface demands respect, and demands that Arnold get it by any means necessary, driving him to commit terrible crimes.

possible actor portrayals: Let it be known we don't need any actual ventriloquists. So not Jeff Dunham. I think Rick Moranis would be an excellent Arnold, and Joe Pesci could provide the voice of Scarface.

(imagine this with the guy from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and Little Shop of Horrors)

4) The Joker

the villain: Batman's arch-nemesis, the mysterious clown criminal. I know it's been done before, but it seems wrong to make a Batman series without a Joker.

the gritty reboot: Look, no reboot is going to get any grittier than his depiction in The Dark Knight. But it could get creepier. And how's that? Imagine Daffy Duck meets Jigsaw (I realize that's my second Saw reference, but hear me out). Think about the real-life effect of cartoon violence; getting an anvil dropped on you, getting your head smashed by a giant gavel, explosive cigars. The things children can get a laugh out of on television could easily result in death. Now that's creepy.

possible actor portrayals: Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger both did a great job portraying the Joker in the past (in fact, the latter won a posthumous Academy Award for his brilliant characterization). But I enjoy childish humor that Cesar Romero put into it. Why not cast another Spanish-speaking actor; Javier Bardem? He's already proved himself believably creepy in No Country for Old Men. Just imagine Anton Chigurh with a lethal voltage joy buzzer and a seltzer bottle full of nitroglycerin.

(yeah. now imagine this with green hair and white face paint)

Race to the Finish

There is a term that is used far too much today. It's a trigger word of sorts, that can bring people to their knees and potentially end careers.

"Racist."

(this seems to be everybody's favorite comparison, and as exaggerated as it might be... you gotta admit the similarities)

Racism is no good thing, but I believe it thrown around far too liberally. And really, why not? Everyone's a little bit racist. Allow me to ellaborate. There are three basic kinds of racism;

1) Racism by Incident; the kind of racism that comes through experience, good or bad. Example; working at Subway, I've served a few Canadians. They've all been incredibly nice, going so far as to argue about who was going to pay for who's sandwich. However, I've also served a number of Asian people (I assume tourists, but hell, that assumption itself could be considered racist). And I've noticed that whenever Asians come in, there is some sort of hushed debate as to who is going to serve them. I've also noticed it usually ends up being me. To generalize in the kindest terms, they've seemed like pretty nice people; however, they have also been incredibly hard to understand. As such, I don't like taking their orders. Of course, this racism isn't limited strictly to making people's sandwiches, it's simply the freshest in recent memory.

2) Racism by Surroundings; the kind of racism that comes from community. Look, I know this to be true - you tend to be more comfortable around what you've grown up with. We this "the bubble." Traveling to other communities and societies can expand your bubble, but you've got to be willing to adjust and adapt. Growing up in Utah, that means Mormons, Republicans, and a whole lot of white people. It's sad for me to admit my discomfort around black people. It's not a dislike or distaste, it's just not something I'm used to. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around them, because of a crippling fear of offending them (this is called "white guilt," most commonly associated with the Democratic Party). However, after spending two years in Brazil (where diversity is more subtly accepted rather than bluntly acknowledged), I became close with a man who is dark as night (so dark, in fact, that when we experienced a blackout, I couldn't see him until I saw the white teeth in his smile - it was like the Cheshire Cat). To this day, I consider him a brother. Ironically, a two-year LDS mission made me less comfortable around Mormons and Republicans.

3) Misinformed Racism; the kind of racism that comes from idiocy. I can't rationalize this one. I can't tell you why the Ku Klux Klan hates anybody who isn't a straight, white Protestant. I can't tell you why the Black Panthers hate white people (although I think it has something to do with the Ku Klux Klan). And I can't tell you why it's socially acceptable for latinos to use the word "nigger" as freely as African-Americans. All I can say is they must be getting their information out of their ass instead of their head, because if you think long enough about it, there is no superior race.

That is to say, there is no superior race, but there are races. In America, it's like we're trying to get rid of our differences rather than embrace them. I don't understand why America is so taboo about race. Here in America, we talk about diversity while trying to eliminate them. I don't think we should judge people based on gender, ethnicity, sexual preference, etc., but I think we should celebrate differences instead of try to obliterate them. I'm a white guy. I have things pretty easy, all things considered. Face it; white people have had it pretty good for the past thousands of years. And I'm totally glad I'm not a chick - menstruation sounds awful, I would never want to go through the experience of childbirth, and I'm glad I don't have to look at naked guys, although I could also chalk that up to me being straight. Not that I have anything against gay people, I'm just saying I think I'd be lesbian if I were a girl, based on the fact that I'm confident I'd be a pretty "butch" chick, and I find penises (or is it peni?) repulsive.

And what about jokes? Can't we find humor in our humanity, or is that unacceptable? I always thought of humor as an antidote (or is that anecdote?) to tension. Most people I know laugh at racist jokes, but most people I know are not actually racists. That includes me (although I've never laughed at a Polack joke. it's not that I'm above that, I've just never known any Polish people as a basis of comparison). I understand that not all stereotypes are accurate, but not all of them are bad, either. Irish and Mexican stereotypes actually share a lot in common; they're both strongly Catholic, they both come from working-class backgrounds, and both have holidays that are celebrated in the U.S. Yet I will never celebrate St. Patrick's Day with the gusto that I celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Is that because I hate the Irish? (Yes! I mean no!) I haven't liked St. Patrick's Day since I was a child. I never understood why I had to wear green and why I'd get pinched if I didn't. And to this day, I have no clue as to what the celebration is actually about! It's actually a religious holiday in Ireland, but here we seem to celebrate it because St. Patrick vanquished all the snakes from Ireland (which is much easier than it sounds). But with Cinco de Mayo, they're celebrating a military victory over Napolean's France (not the true "Mexican Independence Day" as most Americans believe). I can get behind a celebration like that! The mestizos in Mexico rose up against the French occupation. Who doesn't love a good underdog story? Besides, I like tacos and tamales more than corned beef and cabbage.

So why should we be color blind? Here's a hypothetical situation; You own a convenience store. You were robbed. You have to file a police report. You have two options;

Dark male, possibly Indian (don't want anybody feeling left out!), around 20 years old.

(and yes, I said Indian to because they stereotypically run convenience stores, rendering it ironic. who else would you assume to rob the store? a Polack? racist.)

or

Human being, gender unspecified, age undetermined, race not important.

(artist's rendering)

Those are both accurate, but you'll get better results using descriptions.

Here's one final test on racial profiling for you. Who is known for fearing cops and loving fried chicken and watermelon? Give up? I was actually talking about myself. I have a pretty clean record, but policemen make me uncomfortable as hell, and I love me some fried chicken and watermelon. I could eat fried chicken weekly if I wasn't sure I'd give myself colon cancer. And you probably thought I was talking about Polacks. Racist.