Batman was created in 1939 by artist Bob Kane and writer Bill Finger. After witnessing the murder of his parents as a boy, he was raised by their loyal English butler, Alfred, and later dedicated his life to protecting the city of Gotham, leaning on his father's company and inherited money to disguise himself as a playboy billionaire. So what makes Batman any better or more identifiable than Superman? Because underneath his costume, he's a normal guy who wants to do good. Superman is an alien who draws power from the sun.
And since then, there have been many depictions of him; Adam West (the earliest and second campiest thereof), Michael Keaton (in a surprisingly good performance), Val Kilmer (meh. I preferred him as Madmartigan), George Clooney (the campiest version thereof), and, most recently (and most accurately), Christian Bale. Yes, Christian Bale's performance in Christopher Nolan's Batman series has been widely acclaimed by critic and audience alike. And with the last movie in Nolan's series, The Dark Knight Rises, coming out so soon, there's only one logical direction to take.
Work on another reboot. Now.
Wait...
That's right, folks, they're already working on another Batman series. And Nolan is attached as a producer. Why? Because he can, mofos!
Honestly, I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, they're already releasing another Spider-Man (following the tragedy that was Sam Raimi's Spider-Man 3. that was harder to follow than watching Memento halfway through and the casting of Topher Grace as Eddy Brock/Venom was a poor decision. but I digress). But who will direct such a daunting film?
Hell, I'll do it.
(because I can, mofos!)
So, I guess all that's left is casting (as seems to be the case, story is secondary). I'm not going to worry about Alfred (honestly, any elderly English actor should do) or Robin (he won't be introduced until at least the second movie), and I don't care who plays Batman. There must be plenty of willing and capable actors to play Bruce Wayne. I'm just gonna make a list of actors who shouldn't play Batman, and I'll let my producers do the rest (you listening, Mr. Nolan?)
- Shia LaBeouf
Now that we have that out of the way, who should the villain be? All of the good villains have been done before (some of them multiple times). For this, we're going to have to dig deeper into the Batman vaults. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the lesser villains;
1) The Mad Hatter
the villain: Jervis Tetch became fascinated as a child by Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland, in particular the character of the Mad Hatter. In turn, he became obsessed with hats of all shapes and sizes, which he has incorporated in all sorts of brain-washing schemes for some reason. Like I said, these are the lesser villains.
the gritty reboot: I dunno, besides sounding rather idiotic, he already sounds a little deranged. I would have the Hatter make special hat torture devices, kind of like Saw for that hat lover. And he could adbuct people fitting the description of characters in Alice in Wonderland and Alice Through the Looking Glass and force them to reenact scenes from each book.
possible portrayals: Paul Giamatti would be perfect for this role. He's an incredibly talented actor, and I think he could bring a little demented childishness to a deluded psychopath.
(imagine this in a comically over-sized top-hat)
2) Egghead
the villain: A character with an egg obsession (which is even lamer than a hat obsession) created specifically for the live-action '60s series starring Adam West.
the gritty reboot: As a boy, Matthias O'Reilly lived on a chicken farm, raised by an abusive father and a neglectful mother. He wished to be a scientist, but his father wished him to run the struggling family business, and would punish and beat him for any science-related material, dismissing it as "the devil's playthings." He would soon begin conducting experiments, mutilating the animals on his property. He would later smother his father (who had passed out in a drunken rage) and shoot his mother (which he would blame on his father). Matthias was now free to conduct his experiments, where he would sell poisoned eggs to local bakers and grocers, changing name and location as needed. Sort of like the Unabomber with eggs.
possible portrayals: Vincent Price, the original Egghead, had a truly iconic voice. I would cast someone with an equally iconic voice and an unsettling presence; Christopher Walken. He's already appeared in one Batman movie.
(imagine this with a shaved head)
3) Scarface
the villain: Arnold Wesker, a quiet, meek ventriloquist, performs his crimes through a dummy named Scarface, modeled and named after Al Capone.
the gritty reboot: Arnold Wesker, an aging ventriloquist, has come to the realization that he is practicing a dying art form. He is heckled by audiences and overlooked by talent scouts, driving him into a state of manic depression. Before long, he develops schizophrenia, and starts hearing a voice in his head. He realizes the voice to be that of Scarface, a Prohibition-era gangster dummy that he had retired after he was told his jokes were "too dated." Scarface demands respect, and demands that Arnold get it by any means necessary, driving him to commit terrible crimes.
possible actor portrayals: Let it be known we don't need any actual ventriloquists. So not Jeff Dunham. I think Rick Moranis would be an excellent Arnold, and Joe Pesci could provide the voice of Scarface.
(imagine this with the guy from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and Little Shop of Horrors)
4) The Joker
the villain: Batman's arch-nemesis, the mysterious clown criminal. I know it's been done before, but it seems wrong to make a Batman series without a Joker.
the gritty reboot: Look, no reboot is going to get any grittier than his depiction in The Dark Knight. But it could get creepier. And how's that? Imagine Daffy Duck meets Jigsaw (I realize that's my second Saw reference, but hear me out). Think about the real-life effect of cartoon violence; getting an anvil dropped on you, getting your head smashed by a giant gavel, explosive cigars. The things children can get a laugh out of on television could easily result in death. Now that's creepy.
possible actor portrayals: Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger both did a great job portraying the Joker in the past (in fact, the latter won a posthumous Academy Award for his brilliant characterization). But I enjoy childish humor that Cesar Romero put into it. Why not cast another Spanish-speaking actor; Javier Bardem? He's already proved himself believably creepy in No Country for Old Men. Just imagine Anton Chigurh with a lethal voltage joy buzzer and a seltzer bottle full of nitroglycerin.
(yeah. now imagine this with green hair and white face paint)
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