Christmas is coming. At least that's what the radio has been telling me for the past two weeks. And here I am thinking Halloween was the next holiday!
When I was younger, I remember scoffing whenever people told me Christmas was getting earlier and earlier. I was all like, "hey, man, it's almost Thanksgiving! Don't be such a Scrooge!" I should also probably mention that when I was a kid, I started my Christmas list some time around the Fourth of July. This year, I didn't start until late September, and only because the radio station at work kept dropping hints by playing "Welcome, Christmas" from How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
Fine, I'll take your word for it. Christmas is coming. What does that mean to me? It's Utah and it's not even snowing yet. I can start feeling Christmas-y after the first snowfall (which, to be honest, is usually right after Halloween in Utah).You want me to feel jolly? I don't know that I've been a particularly good boy this year. But don't rule anything out yet. Here's what we do; kidnap Santa Claus. We can hold him hostage until our demands our met. It's called "strategy."
Either that, or you can contribute to the "Please Don't Hurt Santy Claus Fund" by donating one of the following;
PLEASE DON'T HURT SANTY CLAUS FUND
1) Communist Paraphernalia
Let me clarify; I am not now, nor will I ever be, a card-carrying member of the Communist Party. I am a registered Republican, which is about as far from Communism as one can be. That being said, I am mildly obsessed with it. The Soviet Union, the Cold War, McCarthyism. Get me whatever; shirts, hats, books (fictional is acceptable, but I prefer historical). If you can get me a picture of Fidel Castro wearing a Che shirt (signed by Fidel himself), that would be the best Christmas present ever. Screw your Christmas shoes.
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| (Stalin; the Jesus of Russia) |
2) Really Bad Horror/Sci-Fi Movies
I love 'em. I already own the Leprechaun series, the Critters series, the Tremors series, and both Troll movies, but I want more. You can never have a complete collection of bad movies when more and more are coming out every year (Age of Hobbits, anyone? yes, it sounds as though somebody's capitalizing on the upcoming Hobbit film, and God bless capitalism!). I'm hoping to add the Robocop series, the Highlander series, some Japanese monster movies, and maybe some Rob Zombie and Ed Wood films to my collection.
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| (if you send me Howard the Duck or The Adventures of Pluto Nash, I will send them back, and I can't promise Santa won't be harmed) |
3) An Xbox 360 and Dark Souls
Dark Souls is supposed to be one of the hardest and addictive games ever. Like a creepier, more difficult Skyrim. And I must have it.
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| (you get to fight monsters like WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?) |
I'm sure there's more, but I don't want to list all of them. Be creative. I asked for the T-Mobile girl for my birthday last year, and I never got her. That would be just as good as the aforementioned "Castro wearing Che" picture.
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| (in all her Canadian glory) |
Naughty. Nice. You make the list, big fella. But think of your own well-being.
And that, kids, is called extortion. And now you know.
