How Can I Compete with a Machete Sequel?

I want to be a screenwriter. I want to be a director. I want to make Alfred Hitchcockesque appearances in my films (not like the self-indulgent appearances by M. Night Shyamalan - I swear, his roles get so much bigger with every new movie, I was surprised that he wasn't the main character in The Last Airbender). In short, I want to be the next Orson Welles (pre-depression-and-alcoholism). I think a lot of crap is getting made, and moviegoers deserve better. I believe I can give them something better. With an incredible (and increasingly so) lack of originality in Hollywood, I think I can give the people something original (with the exception of a C.H.U.D. remake). I frequently brainstorm and write out ideas I have for movies I want to make. Some of them are bigger than I can afford, so the idea is to start out small. Having spent my days with amateur filmmakers has taught me to keep it within budget - and realistically achievable.

(achievability must be realistic, which says nothing of the special effects)

But then I found out about Machete Kills.

How the hell can I compete with that? How can anyone compete with that?

(wait! we're getting to that!)

I'm not being condescending (not really, anyway). As much crap as I like to give Hollywood, I sincerely take solace in movies like Machete and The Expendables. I struggle to eloquently describe the hope they give me, but basically, it's this - Hollywood has become self-aware, and in recent years, this has presented a problem, producing movies such as Scary Movie (or any of those other awful Scary Movie movies, like Date Movie or Epic Movie), and as bad as those all are, it gave birth to the self-aware non-parody.

The Expendables is the same thing you've seen before and injected with steroids and heroin. Basically, they made an action movie before they had a chance to make the Scary Movie/Action Movie. They took all the action heroes from days past and put them all in one movie. Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, and Terry Crews, with appearances by Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Expendables 2 adds Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris to the mix. I can smell the napalm and cheese already. Lay it on me! 

(I assume the tagline is "I think that's all of 'em.")

Machete is a neo-exploitation film that stars Danny Trejo as the lead character (and with Danny freakin' Trejo in the lead, you can rest assured it's gonna be awesome - he's been in like 100 movies, usually as the bad guy or a henchmen - even if you don't know him, you've seen him in something). Also featured in the cast were Lindsay Lohan (probably the best role she's had in years, all things considered), Cheech Marin (yes, Cheech of Cheech & Chong fame), Steven Seagal (the man needs work, and he's not above taking a role), and Robert De Niro (!) as a corrupt Texas State Senator with Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez supplying the eye candy. Not to be outdone by The Expendables 2, Machete Kills is gonna up the ante with Amber Heard (the winner of the very first Random Examiner Man of the Year Award - "The Randy"), Vanessa Hudgens (apparently, she's taking roles to distance herself from the child-friendly High School Musical movies, but I gotta say... if you've got nude pics of yourself online, I think you've got all the distance you need from Disney), Charlie Sheen (yeah, as the President), and Mel Gibson (!) as a billionaire arms dealer with Ms. Alba and Ms. Rodriguez reprising their sexy roles.

(and just as in all of his sitcoms to date, I assume his character will also be named Charlie)

So maybe in a few years, Hollywood will be ready for something fresh. When I'm ready, they'll be ready. Good things are coming. The best is yet to come.

The Life Aquatic (Not to be Confused with the Wes Anderson Film)

I have been described as many things, but I think the most accurate description is "different." I have a pretty eclectic taste in pretty much everything. I like my hot dogs burnt and my steak rare. I actually enjoy the off-brand knockoffs more than real Mountain Dew. I prefer the Elvis impersonator reggae cover band Dread Zeppelin over the original (actually, they were a bunch of thieving plagiarists) Led Zeppelin. And, apparently unlike most of the rest of the country, I don't like dubstep (in my days, we called it "techno," and techno sucks).

Being a bit of a nerd, it should come as no surprise that I have an interesting taste in comics and superheroes. There's Deadpool, Marvel's schizophrenic mercenary whose sarcasm has earned him the nickname "The Merc with a Mouth." There's Lobo, DC's psychopathic, homicidal, heavy-drinking, hard-living bounty hunter from outer-space. And then there's The Flaming Carrot, a demented vigilante and self-proclaimed superhero who wears a carrot mask and flippers on his feet (his origin story explains that he suffered brain damage after reading 5,000 comics in a single sitting).

Comics are important to nerds like me. Every nerd has their favorite superhero. A former high school physics teacher I had was infatuated with Superman (but she was always quick to point out it was not an obsession, but a "mild adoration"). One of my friends is equally enamored with both The Flash and Boba Fett (while Boba Fett doesn't really count as a superhero, some Star Wars fanboys would argue differently).

And that's the thing - I never really had a favorite. I've always felt that Superman was overrated (I can just hear Ms. Smith now - I think she just opened her Superman logo-emblazoned switchblade). The X-Men were cool... when I was a kid and didn't know any better. Toby Maguire ruined Spider-Man for me. I like The Hulk, but I don't think I could call him my favorite in good conscience. Batman's cool, but way too popular (yeah, I'm a real comic book hipster). So, to reiterate, I love comics, but I never had that one superhero that I loved above all others.

Until now.

It came as somewhat of an epiphany.

Aquaman.

Aquaman is a bit of a comic book taboo. He's dismissed as "pointless" or "useless" amongst the majority of nerd culture. After all, what crime is there to fight underwater? Well, first off, let me address those criticisms with a question - when did anybody choose their superpower? Do you honestly think Peter Parker would have chosen "spider-powers"? Or the Human Torch would have chosen to engulf his body in flames? What is he, a stuntman? Wow, that's cool, he's essentially a pyrotechnician. Woo. And Green Lantern? Really? Screw him. Seriously.

(pictured; the only way to make Batman even cooler)

Also, it's a comic. Of course there's underwater crime. I bet you'd all be a lot more grateful for Aquaman if he'd solved the BP oil spill.

(who's laughing now?)

If Superman has it all, Aquaman has everything else. He can (obviously) breathe underwater. He can swim at high speeds. He has limited sonar hearing. And, of course, the infamous ability to communicate telepathically with marine life. And that makes him lame? Why? There are way lamer heroes than Aquaman. Ant-Man. The Wonder Twins. All of the Superpets (including, Beppo, the Super-chimp - screw you hardest of all!). The only reason people think Aquaman sucks is because he's in the Justice League with much bigger heroes than himself. Superman (showboat). Batman (moody). Wonder Woman (even with all those bondage themes). Green Lantern and The Flash (remind me again why Aquaman is the lame one here?).

By all means, he's actually a pretty cool guy, but he has the unfortunate role of living his life being compared to the rest of the Justice League. It's not his fault he's got comparatively stranger powers. That doesn't make them any less meaningful. I can relate to that. I'm still trying to figure out my lot in life and find my own super powers, but I'm surrounded by people who have their life in order, or at least know where they're headed. That just makes me lame by comparison.

(apparently, Aquaman is also kind of a jerk like me)

God bless Aquaman.

Screw Superman.

And forgive me, Ms. Smith.

What Happens When You Cross an Elephant with a Rhino

I just got finished watching Piranhaconda, and I have to say... I'm feeling pretty conflicted. There's so many unexplained details, unanswered questions, and scientific inaccuracies, everything I love in a good bad movie. So why am I feeling so bummed out about it? I think one reason is that it stars Michael Madsen in a major role. To elaborate my disappointment with his casting, let me explain that he's one of my favorite actors. He's had a heck of a career; he's been in everything from Species to Sin City. He's done Quentin Tarantino movies! Once as an assassin-turned-bouncer in Kill Bill and once as the psychopathic Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs. But in the last few years, he's been in some real stinkers, including a few straight-to-DVD movies. He's better than that! It's like Orson Welles going from Citizen Kane to playing the voice of Unicron in The Transformers: The Movie. It's very disturbing. More disturbing is the fact that most of the actresses looked like washed-up porn stars looking for another paycheck.

And the "science" was sloppy even for a Syfy movie. It's an ancient result of interspecies breeding. How a fish and areptile managed that is never explained, nor is the location. You see, Piranhaconda is set in Hawaii. Neither piranhas nor anacondas are native to Hawaii. They're found mostly in South American countries (though they have found piranhas in Bangladesh). Look, I've been to Brazil (on the friggin' Amazon!). I've seen piranhas (in the frozen foods section of a supermarket - no, I'm not making this up). I didn't see any resemblance to a piranha (or an anaconda, for that matter). One problem is that it's ridiculously over-sized (a result of some other shoddy scientific b.s.).

And the villains? I don't really see any purpose they served. The protagonist are actors and crew members working on Headchopper 3 and the the antagonists were a terrorist organization whose sole purpose was apparently to kidnap wealthy people of importance and hold them ransom (because when I think "important people," I think B-movie actors. but that's just me).

My biggest issue isn't that they were trying to be Sharktopus. I love Sharktopus. I think we could all use a little more Sharktopus in our lives. The problem is they were trying to be better than Sharktopus, which they overcompensated for by making the piranhaconda laughably huge and giving it mysterious, hypersensory abilities. Screw Piranhaconda.

But there is no need to fear, as I've recently learned that Monster Machine (responsible for such classics as Sharktopus and Dinoshark) have planned at least two new hybrid animal movies planned; Arachnaconda and Grizzligator! I can only imagine what these creatures may look like, but suffice it to say, I'm ecstatic to find out.

The announcement of these projects begs another question; what purpose do these hybrid animals possibly serve? The sharktopus was developed as a biological weapon, originally controlled with an electronic impulse device. So why combine a spider with a snake or a bear with an alligator? I guess, just like everything else in life, the answer is why not?

It's not like it's anything new. We've been doing this for years. We mated a lion with a tiger just 'cause. And the result; the liger.

(bred for its skills in magic)

And that's not all. Due to selective breeding, Belgian beef farmers have been able to create the "Schwarzenegger super cow."

(kill it! kill it! kill it! kill it with fire! and possibly smother it in steak sauce!)

But wait! There's more! A Canadian-based research team have successfully spliced the genes of a goat and a spider. The answer isn't nearly as villainous as the bioterrorists in Sharktopus, although it may ultimately end up in supervillainy. The logic is that spider silk is one of the strongest, most flexible substances on Earth. The problem is that it has been near impossible to properly utelize, due to the impracticality of farming on a mass scale... until now. You see, they have combined that milk glands from the goat with the silk glands from the spider, and - voilà! - you have yourselves a silk harvest! So, at best, we will be able to produce stronger, more efficient, nearly unbreakable fibers, and at worst - giant, horned spiders.

(they also make really silky cheese)

I have a hybrid animal movie idea myself called Koalabears.

(does it count as plagiarism if nobody's ever seen Howling III: The Marsupials? I get the feeling they're not going to need those costumes ever again) 

As we all know, koalas are, in fact, marsupials, not bears. The term "koala bear" was developed due to its resemblance to a cute, cuddly teddy bear. But there's nothing cute and cuddly about these deranged, killing machines. It starts off in Australia (but ends up in America, just like everything else; screw Australia), where a group of American scientists (see?) are investigating a sudden insurgence of a particularly confrontational, rabies-ridden clan (flock? pack? pride?) of koalas. One of the more irresponsible scientists brings a specimen home with him (probably somewhere in California). The koala kills the scientist and escapes to a circus, where, in a plot taken right from Dead Alive, the koala rapes one of the circus bears, before it is finally subdued by a local Game and Wildlife Ranger. The resulting cubs (puppies? kids?) are the vicious koalabears, which grow at an alarming rate due to the illegal injections of steroids in to the circus bears. The koalabears are finally killed by the ranger and the lead female role, and everything ends happily ever after... until you see that one of the koalabears has actually escaped and kills all of the hobos on a train headed to Hollywood. The End.

At least that's my idea. I guess we'll see how Arachnaconda goes. It can't be any worse than Piranhaconda.

Hot Lava and Cold Beverages

I love the Fourth of July. I love fireworks, hot dogs, and freedom. But this year I did something a little different. I didn't even have any hot dogs (gasp!), but I did have a couple of burgers (sigh of relief). I spent Independence Day camping with some of my best friends in Lava Hot Springs, Idaho. Anybody who knows me knows I'm typically anti-camping. Sleeping in on the ground in the woods? I thought we'd evolved past that point. But I had more fun than I've had in a long time.

My week started off on Tuesday (why? because that's when we left. screw Monday), when I met up with Tony (not only one of my best friends, but one of my favorite people, and for a bitter old misanthrope like me, that's a pretty short list). We had breakfast, played a little Manhunt (an extremely violent and therefor extremely fun game, where I was pretty much stuck when Lanso's kid Cameron completely showed me up after playing it for the first time for about fifteen minutes) and headed up north to Jill's parents' property in Lava. This was my first time up there, which I'd been looking forward to for weeks and was not disappoionted.

I would say we set up camp, but Jill and her mom, Jari, had it all set up before we even showed up. I set up my three-man tent ("three-man" apparently means it takes three people to set it up and only one man to sleep diagonally inside it). And so the three-day, two-night excursion was set.

Day One; July 3, 2012

After we set up camp (our tents, I mean), we set forth on a most excellent adventure.

-went to the rope swing. I might have actually done it myself if the water hadn't been so shallow. Tony broke his ass going off of it. And I laughed hysterically, the way friends do.

-went to the swimming pool, where I went off a water slide for the first time in years. It was fun, but the long walk up the stairs was akin to the hobbits' hike to Mordor. Needless to say, I went once.

-got a hamburger from Fat Jack's with Mike, Rikki, Shane, and Aimee (or as I like to call them by their Hollywood couple name, Shamee). I won't say it was the tastiest burger I've ever had, but it was up there. They stacked three rather thin, but juicy, slices of beef on a sesame seed bun with pickles, lettuce, ketchup, mustard, and onions upon request (of course I requested onions).

-had Jari's famous Dutch oven lasagna. I could probably write an entire post about that piece of heaven, but I'll spare you. Sufficeth to say, it was delicious.

-played the funnest game of Murder I've ever played.

(Tony, pre-jump)

(Tony, post-jump)

(Tony thought getting higher up on the rope would send him out further. It ended up just being a farther drop to  the shallow water. And still, I laugh.)

(Jill and Penny, watching safely from the other side)

(Mooche playing fetch with Jill. She's kinda dumb, likes playing tug-of-war with misshapen objects, and she's bigger than she thinks she is, but I love her.)

Day Two: July 4, 2012

-woke up before everybody and started reading God, No! by Penn Jillette. He is a funny, charismatic guy who writes funny, deep stories, and he is one of my heroes.

-ate Shamee's breakfast burritos. Shoot dang, they were good.

-went river rafting. I was hesitant to go, but Tony and Jill convinced me. I was only sorry briefly, when my raft flipped me onto some jagged rocks, but the second time was more fun, because I knew what to expect. Even the second time I flipped was funner.

-Rikki made us some taco soup. I love taco soup, but this was the first time I'd had it with Nacho Cheese Doritos crunched up in it rather than regular tortilla corn chips. Epic win, Mike.

-went and soaked in the hot pools. It was enjoyable, but it would have been more so had it been a little colder outside.

-bailed out on the hot pools early and went to the Blue Moon bar with Tony. While Tony and I were having a philosophical discussion, I ordered some food, a "Blue Moon Burger w/ cheese" and fries. One of the best burgers I've ever had (what is it with Idaho and awesome burgers?). And let me just say, these were those no-preservative Idaho potato French fries, the way it's supposed to be. And Tony liked my fry sauce/Tabasco sauce mix, so I ain't alone!

-met up with Jill at the park for their daughter Lily's first firework show. She wasn't even paying attention to the fireworks at first, until a couple of particularly loud ones caught her attention. There was one guy behind us who was cheering for the noise as opposed to the fireworks themselves. "Whoo!" said Tony, in character as the noise-lover. "I took three Viagra, I'm ready to go!" Let me just say, I love fireworks. Tony doesn't (unless he's the one lighting them off). But there wasn't a lot of order in their show. They set off their famous "lava fireworks" (set to appear as those there's a fire waterfall going down the mountain) way too early. But I guess I'm just a critic, I'm not part of the Fire Department (but I desperately want to be the one setting off the fireworks someday).

(I woke up and they were wearing a sombrero. I feel like I missed out on something. But isn't Lily Loaf lovely?)

("Mexican in disguise! I can go twice as high. Take a look, it's in a book, Reading Rainbow!" Tony would sing this about Mike and several times more about Rikki)

(I like to point out that in pictures, Tony perpetually looks as though he's done something wrong. He assures me he has)

(The Loaf, just after she finished eating a gazelle)

Day Three; July 5, 2012

-woke up and helped Lanso make breakfast. Or rather, I started helping him, as we were assigned to make breakfast together, but Rikki kicked my clumsy ass off of egg duty and took over. Oh, well. I swear, I'm not offended. It gave me time to make a bacon-wrapped marshmallow. Nummy.

-packed up and headed back home with Lanso and his kids. They're all real ball busters. But the biggest ball buster wasn't Lance, or even one of his kids, but one of their friends, Bradley "Babs," who may be only 12 years old, but busted balls like a pubescent Don Rickles.

-had a Rambothon (watched the first two Rambo movies, I'll be finishing the rest today). 'Cause nothing says American freedom quite like America's favorite freedom fighter, John Rambo!

(just as in Return of the Jedi, Lanso Calrissian did the lion's share of the work)

('Merica)

(This is Jari's dog, Tippy. I think she looks like one of those rat-dog creatures from Willow)

(Tippy in the Nelwyn village)

(not pictured; Don Rickles)

Happy 4th, hermanos!