Canned Candidates

Election Day 2012 is fast-approaching. It's looking like a campaign between Obama and Romney, and I am not at all pleased. Obama has proven himself to be another George W. Bush (insomuch as spending is concerned), and Romney has further spiraled into Tea Party catering. No, I don't like this Obama/Romney race at all. It's akin to choosing between AIDS and cancer, and if I can choose neither, that's precisely what I'll do. Looks like I will be headed to Canada...

Jon Huntsman has recently voiced disapproval of the GOP and has called for a third party movement. I would gladly vote for Huntsman or my man Ron Paul, but I don't know if that would do much good. When the campaigning began, I kept hearing how much people liked Paul, but how he could never be president. "Pshaw," I thought. "Of course he can win. All people have to do is vote for him." But as time went on (and as the media ignored him), it broke my heart to discover that he won't ever win.

I suppose the amusing part in this tragedy is that all the Obama supporters I've heard seem to believe that Romney will win; all the Romney supporters seem convinced that Obama will get a second term. I'm curious to see how that will pan out in the elections (from afar, of course. Canada is calling my name; "Brent, eh? Brent, eh?").

(pictured; the call of Canada)

Of course, here in Utah, Romney is celebrated as sort of a third prophet (right behind Thomas S. Monson and Glenn Beck), so I've become accustomed to hearing the same old "we con't need a politician, we need a businessman" and "you have to play to the extremes during primaries" horse crap. Look, anybody who gets involved in politics is a politician, and Romney has been a politician for twenty years - so your point is moot. I really must learnt to tune out the Utahan logic.

Since Ron Paul isn't going to win and since Jon Huntsman won't be accepting a third party nomination, here's a list of three people I'd be willing to vote for this November;

1) For anyone who knows of my platonic man-crush on the San Francisco Giants' relief pitcher Brian Wilson, this shouldn't be very surprising; I've already said I'd vote for him before. I don't know his political views, but he'd probably be a better option than either of the clowns we'll be stuck with come 2012. My first pick for President, Brian Wilson #38!

(also pictured; Vice President Buster Posey)

2) How does one compete with an eloquent, well-dressed black guy for president? By running him against an even more interesting black guy. And I ain't talking about Herman Cain, I'm talking about the fashionable gloves-wearing karate expert, "The Rent is Too Damn High" innovator, Mr. James "Jimmy" McMillan III!

(hilarity - and fiscal responsibility - ensues)

3) Two words: Hans Landa. Why? 'Cause he's bad ass. Never mind that he's foreign (and a fictional Nazi). Christoph Waltz made him the best absolute best part of Inglourious Basterds.

(charming sex appeal with a gun. need I say more?)

Three of the five people I'd vote for. And they probably have as much a chance to win as the other two. And that's why I'll be headed to Canada. Until next time, hosers.

My Yearbook Makes an Excellent Coaster

"The whole damn world is just obsessed

With who's the best dressed and who's having sex...

Nothing changes but the faces, the names, and the trends

High school never ends."

("High School Never Ends," by Bowling For Soup)

I like that song. I'm not really familiar with the band, but they have a fantastic name. But I'm not going to talk about Bowling For Soup today. I'm going to talk about  America's fabulous K-12 education system. And why? Maybe I'm feeling nostalgic. Maybe I'm legitimately interested in what has become of my graduating class. But more likely, I'm just a bitter old geek with a chip on my shoulder.

But before I start railing against the system that gave me such a fine education (an education I put into practice each day... at Subway), here are a few quotes from some equally callous people;

"If there is a hell, it is modeled after Jr. High." - Lewis Black

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." - Kurt Vonnegut

"High school sucked. It was a universal truth, and whoever said these were supposed to be the best years of your life was probably drunk or delusional." - Kami Garcia

"Drop out of school before your mind rots from exposure to our mediocre educational system. Forget about the Senior Prom and go to the library and educate yourself if you've got any guts. Some of you like Pep rallies and plastic robots who tell you what to read." - Frank Zappa

I know that some of these seem a bit harsh, but they're all true. And if you want to question the validity of any of those statements, just look at the careers each of them made for themselves; Lewis Black is a popular comedian, Kurt Vonnegut was an influential satirical author, Kami Garcia is a New York Times bestselling author, and Frank Zappa made a heck of a career of making some very interesting music.

My first issue is with the teachers. Not that they are bad, but that they are too good to not be paid better. Kobe Bryant is undeniably a great basketball player, but is he really worth $28 million? Meanwhile, techers make an average $40 thousand. For educating and essentially babysitting your bratty kids. And how do teachers deal with this? Some start drinking. Others simply stop caring. The fact that any of these people can continuing caring after a prolonged exposure to this sort of treatment is inspirational. But if some teachers stop caring, the same thing happens to NBA players - because they think they're not getting enough. Let's review; teachers are paid mediocre salaries, ergo giving lackluster performances. Professional athletes get incredible salaries, and become entitled little brats.

(pictured; an entitled little brat)

My second issue is with the quality of education itself. We spend a trillion dollars on a, frankly, great military force, but we spend nearly half that on second-rate education? I mostly blame the parents on this one. Is there really an issue of what should be put taught in school? Are we honestly arguing sex education and evolution? If you don't want them to be taught those things, show a little parenting and teach them yourselves - at home. You're just screwing things up for the rest of our children. Hilarity ensues.

(okay, so maybe it's more tragic than hilarious...)

My last issue is with the kids. That's not something we can really control, but we can contribute. Whenever I turn on the TV, I see another high school melodrama. The topics range from realistic (teen pregnancy, bullying, etc.) to precautionary (student-teacher sexual relationships, violence, drunk driving, all that crap), to ridiculous (Mr. Belding coercing Zack Morris to go on a date with his niece). I see that kind of crap, but I don't really see the draw of it. Who the hell cares if Jenny is carrying the star quarterback's baby or the shop teacher's? High school was never that dramatic for me. Then again, I was hardly a typical teenager; I didn't go to any activities and I've never liked driving. But it is what you make of it. If you're going to spend summer vacation making the transition from preppy to punk (why the hell these labels matter, I'll never know) so that people will like you, go ahead. But I don't like you, and you're never gonna get everybody to like you, and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can act more like a real human being, and less like a teenager. By the way, my experience at Subway has been way more dramatic than high school ever was.

(Subway - coming soon to the FOX)

Oh, you can doll it up and play it off as cute and cheery, Disney, but you're only fooling yourselves (and a number of poor, misguided children). Give me the budget and the means, and I'll make a real High School Musical. But there's going to be more teenage promiscuity and illegal substances and far less music. Come on, East High. Your star basketball player is a rich white kid... Actually, that sounds pretty familiar. I think the only people on my high school basketball team were rich, white guys. Even so, I can tell you there was much less singing, except for amongst the "theater queers" and "choir fags" where they belonged - and would never be heard.

Whenever people ask me if I plan on attending my ten-, twenty-, or beyond-year high school reunion, my answer is always the same; I stare at them blankly for a while (just long enough for it to get awkward) and walk past them without saying anything, crop dusting them as walk by them. I highly doubt I'll go to any reunion, because high school never ends.

I'm With Stupid

Let me first just say, I am pro-free speech, anti-censorship. I don't approve of what everyone says, but there's this wonderful quote I found by Neal Boortz that defines it nicely; "Free speech is meant to protect unpopular speech. Popular speech, by definition, needs no protection." That being said, there are some things  people say that really get on my nerves. It's like those trolls on the internet; there's no way to constitutionally regulate them, but they really make going to Youtube less fun. So please, accept this not as a call to action, to end needlessly stupid comments.

1) "It's okay, my (blank) is (blank)."

Somebody finishes telling a retard joke. As the laughter stops, someone comments on how bad that joke was. Then, the joker says, "It's okay, my brother is handicapped." So that makes it all better, does it? Riiiiiight. Boy, is that some flawed logic. Shouldn't that, if anything, make things worse? You're using your relationship with somebody as a crutch for making hurtful comments. When I say something stupid or mean, I just let people know I'm a crappy person. Who's really going to debate that? It's the same thing when white people use the n-word. "What's up, nigga?" "Dude, you're white." I often hear people (mostly white) complain about how it's unfair that only black people can say "nigga." Look buddy, white people have had it pretty easy. I tell you what, once white people have been enslaved for two hundred years, we can use the n-word. But just so you know, there is no difference between "nigga" and "nigger." It's the same word. Sorry, cracker. And just for the record, my brother calls me "niglet" as a term of endearment.

(I only assume this is how my brother sees me)

2) "It says in the Bible..."

Regardless of your theological views, this is the worst debate method you can use (except maybe spouting off what you heard on TV). This argument is mostly used against homosexuality. Now, I've read the Bible, and it says a whole lot of crazy things (particularly in the Old Testament). We don't stone people to death for sinning anymore (well, at least not in America - U.S.A.! U.S.A.!), so I don't think we should cast stones over things that don't apply to us personally. Raise your children the way you see fit and don't expect the world to agree with you. Don't judge people because they sin differently than you do.

3) "That's what she said/...in bed."

I want to like The Office. Many of my friends and family really like it. Dwight Schrute and Michael Scott have almost become household names. I've seen it. And it's pretty funny. But they started something that I just cannot forgive... "That's what she said." Yes, these four words can make any comment vaguely sexual. I've heard it a hundred times before. And every one of those times, it got laughter. But I'd warrant only about three of those times were actually funny. It's like back when Chappelle's Show was still on. Dave Chappelle is a funny guy. He's really funny as Lil Jon. I haven't heard an equal. Ever. That means you, whoever I heard repeat "WHAAAT?" and "YEEEEAHH!" No wonder Dave Chappelle quit his show. I'd get pissed seeing a bunch of 13-year-olds steal my material, too.

And let's not forget the long-standing tradition of cracking open your fortune cookies after a nice Chinese meal... in bed. I have been a guilty proprietor of this. Sometimes it's funny, but I'd give it the same 3-out-of-100 odds I gave "That's what she said." A couple of the funniest fortunes I ever heard could never be enhanced "in bed." They were a direct result of some very poor Engrish. The first one was received by a friend of mine; "Have patience. The Great Wall didn't got build in one day." See? It's a result of poor conjugation. "In bed" would have actually made it less funny. The next one was one I got myself; "You are smart, for you do things smartly." The redundancy (and I suppose the fallacy) is what makes it funny. I'm proud of it. I put it on my journal.

4) "Excuse you."

You go to the movies. You purchase your ticket, your popcorn, and your beverage. You take your seat. You're waiting for your movie to start when a behemoth of a man, roughly the size and weight of a cement truck, tries to waddle in past you. You stand up and make as much room as you can, but for a man of his size, you would have to move the entire row back just to properly accommodate him. As he squishes his sweaty flab past you, you finally settle back into your seat when you hear the lady next to you say "Excuse you!" Some of you may sympathize with the lady. I mean, she just got a whiff of Rikishi's swass.

(pictured; Rikishi's swass)

But at this point, I'm actually more angry with the lady. Yes, he's large. You think he doesn't know this? It was very nice of you to call attention to his weight problem. But there's a whole world filled with these self-righteous idiots. Let's say, for example, you have to fart. It's to the point where holding it in is actually causing you mental and physical pain. But you're in the grocery store and the restroom is clear on the other side of the store. So, as you walk past Mr. Here-to-Buy-Food-for-My-Cats, you let one sneak out. He can smell it. Now, he can either a) let it be and get on with his life or b) call you out on it in public. He opts for the latter. Obviously, farting in public isn't very classy. But making everyone aware of it is somewhat less classy. It's not a matter of manners; it's a matter of class. By the way, this is why I always fart when I have to.

(most fat people already have to deal with enough embarrassment)

Movie Death

I love movies. If I found out I had a day to live, I'd spend it watching movies. The next 24 hours would be spent in front of the television eating junk food. I have essentially planned out my last 24 hours. I would get a hotel room in Logan with a DVD player and enjoy my slow death.

8:00-8:30 a.m. - breakfast at Rancherito's (bacon breakfast burrito with guacamole and a horchata)

8:45-10:15 a.m. - Sharktopus

10:20 a.m.-12:20 p.m. - The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou 

12:30-12:40 p.m. - order take-out at Indian Oven (lamb curry, naan, mango chutney, and mango lassi)

12:50-2:20 p.m. - John Carpenter's The Thing

2:25-3:55 p.m. - Mallrats

4:00-6:00 p.m. - Star Wars IV: A New Hope

6:05-6:10 p.m. - dinner at Texas Roadhouse (just about anything, really. Texas Roadhouse is fantastic)

6:15-8:15 p.m. - Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back

8:20-10:30 p.m. - Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi

10:35 p.m.-1:35 a.m. - There Will Be Blood

1:40 a.m. - fall asleep and wake up dead. Good day.

The point is (and I swear there is one), I love movies. After all that, I'd probably die of an aneurysm. Oh death, you are a crafty one!

Yes, I love movies. And I would like to keep loving them. But it seems that although the technology to make them is getting better, movies are just getting worse (I seem to have touched on this subject before...). Nothing is original anymore. The only movies you can count on anymore are the bad ones, which I suppose is why I developed a taste for them. In fact, it has become something of a defense mechanism of mine to go into the theater expecting the worst. It makes good movies better and bad movies tolerable. I had to evolve to fit my theatrical surroundings, because I will rarely say no to go see a movie, which had become a hassle since paying to see crap like The International and New Moon (actually, my parents payed for the latter, but like I say, I rarely say no to movies. thankfully, I did reject the invitation to see Eclipse in theaters... only to watch it later on DVD. damn).

Sometimes I think I could do better. The only way to get things done is to do it yourself. Other people can do it, why shouldn't I? Stephen Spielberg is a self-starter. Of course he's turned into a bit of a douche, but he's rich - he can afford to be a douche.

I've entertained the idea of writing my own stuff, but I haven't developed the balls to take that step out of the door into the lone and dreary world. But maybe it's time to get started. After all, what good is it to come to these epiphanies without follow-through?

And just in case you hear about the death of a 20-something male, locked in a hotel bathroom surrounded by burger wrappers, empty Coke cans, and Screenwriting for Dummies, at least you can't say I didn't try.

FADE OUT.

THE END