Misanthropy N' Me

There are a lot of things in life that I dislike. Stubbing my toe. Egg farts. Nickelback. But there's something I dislike above all else; people.

Not all people, mind you. There are actually quite a few people I like, and even fewer I really like. There are a lot of people I admire but don't know well enough to like or dislike (I can't in good conscience claim to have a formidable opinion about someone I've never met. I can say, for example, that I like Kevin Smith's movies or John C. Reilly's acting, but those hardly seem the proper mediums of judging character. but I digress). And I suppose I don't truly hate anybody. Hate is such a strong word, and although I have a strong dislike for Glenn Beck's stream-of-conscious, right-wing, red-herring rants, but he meets the same qualifications as Kevin Smith or John C. Reilly. No, I suppose I don't really hate people, but boy, they sure have some annoying habits.

One of the more irritating habits is preaching personal beliefs and opinions as absolute, all-encompassing truth. I guess that would make me a hypocrite, as I am quite evangelical in my own convictions. The difference between me and other people is that I admit I'm biased. You'll never hear me claim to have the truth unless I have the numbers to support my claims. You won't hear that so boldly too much anywhere else. Don't believe me? Just read the comments on any video on YouTube. Having conviction does not equal having the truth. I can tell you my own beliefs about hot dogs, how they should be consumed and with what, but that doesn't make it doctrine.

(pictured; the Hot Dog Doctrine)

I also hate the notion of anti-intellectualism. Anti-intellectualism is hostility towards intellect, intelligence, and the pursuit of education, and the dismissal of philosophy, art, literature, and science. More people know who Snooky is than Carl Sagan. I admit to only recently discovering the genius of Mr. Sagan. But I sure as hell have seen Jersey Shore. For a long time the world was convinced that the world was flat. But with the help of Christopher Columbus, Isaac Newton, and several other intellectuals, we now know the earth is spherical. We have proof of this. Photos have been taken from space. Then again, the Earth could be on a turtle's back. How is this a real thing? Is it a real thing?

(yeah, it's a real thing)

I have little faith in humanity. Someone recently told me that 24 is too young to be jaded. But I'm surprised it took me as long as it did. If I'd discovered the true idiocy of people by the time I was twelve, maybe I could have been experiencing my midlife crisis by now and I could be dead by 50.

But I don't want to end on a bitter note. I admit there is good reason to live. And the truth (As I see it) is, it's the opposite of what I've been moping about. We should form our own opinions. We should seek education. I don't know what the truth is, but it is our role to find out for ourselves.

Sweet dreams...

(...are made of this.)

Ebert & Orgill at the Movies

I'm the type of person who gets excited when I see trailers for Sucker Punch or Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Yeah. One is a movie that looks like a bunch of hot chicks fighting in a post-apocalyptic world, the other turns "The Great Emancipator" into "The Vampire Slayer." What's not to love? In my defense, Sucker Punch was actually pretty good (this may be due in part to my incredibly low expectations), and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter doesn't open for another week, but I have bought the book.

So, what's my point? The point is, I think I'd make an excellent movie critic. So many critics are so self-righteous. I have no such facade. I am what I am, and I like what I like. One reason I love Roger Ebert is because he has his own method of rating movies - he rates movies in comparison with similar movies. This gives movies like Sucker Punch a fighting chance.

One thing that I have on Mr. Ebert is that I love bad movies. Some might call this a weakness, but I'm determined that it gives me an edge over other critics. I can acknowledge a movie is bad and still enjoy it. To quote Ebert himself; "I cannot recommend the movie, but ... why the hell can't I? Just because it's godawful? What kind of reason is that for staying away from a movie? Godawful and boring, that would be a reason." I go out of my way to find really bad movies. It's somewhat of an addiction. But hell, there are worse addictions to be had. So I present to you my practice round of bad movie reviews. But first, a few ground rules;

1) No movies directed by Ed Wood or "Alan Smithee"

2) No Syfy Original Movies. They're just too easy a target.

3) No Troll 2. Same qualifications as rule #2.

Madmen of Mandoras (They Saved Hitler's Brain!)

At the end of WWII, Nazi scientists removed Hitler's still-living head and placed it in a jar and fled to the fictional South American country of Mandoras, so they could late revive the Third Reich. If that doesn't sound good enough, 20 additional minutes were shot by UCLA students several years later in the 1960's when it was adapted for television.

("are you quite certain dis is ze only logical vay to save mein brain?" "ja, mein fuhrer." "vell, okay zen. nossing bad can come of zis.")

Leprechaun 4: In Space

The Leprechaun series follows a murderous leprechaun (played by Warwick Davis). One thing about this series is that the next film never really picks up where the last one left off. Case in point, Leprechaun 4: In Space. It starts in an ambiguous year, when a group of astronauts are headed to Mars to save the Martian princess. It never states clearly how the leprechaun got to space or, really, why, but he plans to marry the Martian princess to steal her family's wealth.

(his on-screen death captured the typical audience reaction to this movie)

Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood

Apparently, the sequel to Leprechaun 4: In Space, Leprechaun in the Hood, was so good that the only logical direction was to send him back 2 tha hood.

(yes, the leprechaun is doing what you think he's doing)

Transmorphers

The worst thing about this film is not that it's a blatant ripoff of Transformers (one where apparently the Decepticons win) or the lack of Megan Fox. It's that it tries way too hard to be progressive, where they use the term "sir" unisexually and the main protagonist's ex-girlfriend married a woman after he cryogenically frozen. Yes, I'm afraid the civil rights issues and political correctness of the film is overshadowed by the weak plot. And that's why I love it.

(pictured; CGI with a limited budget)

Surf Ninjas

Okay, so true story. I bought this movie for a buck on VHS at Deseret Industries. I have been blessed with a TV/VCR combo, and this movie has helped me relive my childhood. It's not that this is a particularly bad movie; it's a kid's movie, and those are supposed to be bad. It's that the whole production seems to be a vehicle for Ernie Reyes, Jr.'s acting career. The movie was produced by Ernie Reyes, Sr., who also appears in a major role the movie. Also starring Rob Schneider as best friend, Iggy, and Leslie Nielsen as the obviously Asian Colonel Chi, who took Ernie's rightful spot on throne of the fictional Asian country of Patusan. By the way, what do you call someone who's acting credits include Surf Ninjas and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze? The best. Childhood. Ever. And for the record, I like Ernie Reyes, Jr. and if the zombie apocalypse ever does happen, I'd want him on my team.

(special thanks to Sega Game Gear for making Leslie Nielsen look slightly more Asian)

From Mandoras to Patusan, there are a lot of bad movies, but nobody makes them quite like America.

(U.S.A.! U.S.A.!)

Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

I'm a bit of a pop culture whore; I enjoy commercials more than most actual TV shows. I understand obscure references to pop culture memorabilia. I'd rather spend a day inside watching movies than outside on a beautiful day. So, it's time I address the elephant in the room; the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

In Miami, a man by the name of Rudy Eugene, high on "bath salts," chewed the face off of a homeless man named Ronald Poppo, before being shot dead by local police.

Is this the beginning of the end? A Facebook group has speculated the zombie apocalypse to occur on December 22 of this year (my 25th birthday as it would turn out - zombies ruin everything!). But let's consider this logically; you can't create logic out of illogical things. Yes, he was on drugs. Drugs can really mess with your perception of normalcy. You can be sure he wouldn't have done this if he was high on marijuana. But let's eliminate drugs from the equation. It's real easy to jump to conclusions when no other evidence is presented. Eugene didn't have a record of any violent acts until he decided to gnaw the face off of poor Ronald. But it's just as easy to draw the conclusion that the Umbrella Corporation unleashed the T-virus on Raccoon City.

And let's not condemn one act of extreme violence before we judge ourselves. I myself have dabbled in biting. It's perfectly normal for those passing through Freud's stages of psychosexual development, those first few years of life. It's a little stranger for a 24-year-old. A friend of mine (who we'll call "Tim") was drunk one night when he started slapping me one night for a little friendly prodding. "You know what I think your problem is, Orgill? You like to give shit, but nobody gives you any shit back," said Tim. I didn't want to punch him and ruin a good friendship, so I got up and bit his shoulder, much to the surprise of everyone (including me). "Ow, Orgill! What the hell?" he yelled, to which I responded "You poke the bear, you're gonna get mauled!" And we were all able to have a good laugh about it, proving I have the best friends in the world.

So what's the difference? Yes, I did stop short of eating him, but I did draw (a little) blood. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't high. I just wanted him to stop slapping me. And there's the difference. I was provoked. I can't imagine ol' Poppo did anything besides ask for change.

(bite me)

Let's pretend that this is the signal for the zombie apocalypse. How are you going to prepare?

I've played enough Left 4 Dead and watched enough Zombieland to know what I'm in for. Heck, I own The Zombie Survival Guide. I take "The Rules of Zombieland" to heart. But I'm not one to live in an undead world, for three main reasons;

1) Sleep

I like sleeping too much to be bothered with the oncoming zombie horde. Why wake me up now? In fact, it's probably best that I sleep through the zombies cannibalizing me. God knows I'm useless without my nine hours beauty sleep.

("dude - you woke me up for this?")

2) Food

Speaking of which, why do they never address this in zombie movies? Besides Tallahassee craving a Twinkie in Zombieland, they never really say where they're getting their food. It's not like we having anybody to prepare foods for us anymore; the folks at Kellogg's and Malt-O-Meal all have bigger things on their mind. And nobody's working at McDonald's - hell, they're probably responsible for the zombie plague.

(also, child obesity)

3) Mind

Outside of imagining what it would be like to hang out with Woody Harrelson and Emma Stone, I don't give a lot of consideration to living during the zombie apocalypse. Not because I don't think it will happen (although I don't), but because my mind is busy contemplating other things, such as "Is James Harden trying to be the Brian Wilson of basketball, or are the both just trying to be Mr. T?" 

And assuming the zombie apocalypse did happen, this would be more of a hindrance than a helpful resource. Imagine walking around in the abandoned mall; "Hey guys, who was your favorite Power Ranger?" It might be nice to keep your mind occupied for a while, but at the end of the world, it's probably best to stay focused on staying alive, and that has never really been a big concern of mine. The best thing that could probably happen to me in the events of a zombie apocalypse is turning into a zombie. Never again would I have to worry about food, sleep, or shelter. All that I would have to worry about is whether people know how to fire a gun or operate a chainsaw.