Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

I'm a bit of a pop culture whore; I enjoy commercials more than most actual TV shows. I understand obscure references to pop culture memorabilia. I'd rather spend a day inside watching movies than outside on a beautiful day. So, it's time I address the elephant in the room; the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

In Miami, a man by the name of Rudy Eugene, high on "bath salts," chewed the face off of a homeless man named Ronald Poppo, before being shot dead by local police.

Is this the beginning of the end? A Facebook group has speculated the zombie apocalypse to occur on December 22 of this year (my 25th birthday as it would turn out - zombies ruin everything!). But let's consider this logically; you can't create logic out of illogical things. Yes, he was on drugs. Drugs can really mess with your perception of normalcy. You can be sure he wouldn't have done this if he was high on marijuana. But let's eliminate drugs from the equation. It's real easy to jump to conclusions when no other evidence is presented. Eugene didn't have a record of any violent acts until he decided to gnaw the face off of poor Ronald. But it's just as easy to draw the conclusion that the Umbrella Corporation unleashed the T-virus on Raccoon City.

And let's not condemn one act of extreme violence before we judge ourselves. I myself have dabbled in biting. It's perfectly normal for those passing through Freud's stages of psychosexual development, those first few years of life. It's a little stranger for a 24-year-old. A friend of mine (who we'll call "Tim") was drunk one night when he started slapping me one night for a little friendly prodding. "You know what I think your problem is, Orgill? You like to give shit, but nobody gives you any shit back," said Tim. I didn't want to punch him and ruin a good friendship, so I got up and bit his shoulder, much to the surprise of everyone (including me). "Ow, Orgill! What the hell?" he yelled, to which I responded "You poke the bear, you're gonna get mauled!" And we were all able to have a good laugh about it, proving I have the best friends in the world.

So what's the difference? Yes, I did stop short of eating him, but I did draw (a little) blood. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't high. I just wanted him to stop slapping me. And there's the difference. I was provoked. I can't imagine ol' Poppo did anything besides ask for change.

(bite me)

Let's pretend that this is the signal for the zombie apocalypse. How are you going to prepare?

I've played enough Left 4 Dead and watched enough Zombieland to know what I'm in for. Heck, I own The Zombie Survival Guide. I take "The Rules of Zombieland" to heart. But I'm not one to live in an undead world, for three main reasons;

1) Sleep

I like sleeping too much to be bothered with the oncoming zombie horde. Why wake me up now? In fact, it's probably best that I sleep through the zombies cannibalizing me. God knows I'm useless without my nine hours beauty sleep.

("dude - you woke me up for this?")

2) Food

Speaking of which, why do they never address this in zombie movies? Besides Tallahassee craving a Twinkie in Zombieland, they never really say where they're getting their food. It's not like we having anybody to prepare foods for us anymore; the folks at Kellogg's and Malt-O-Meal all have bigger things on their mind. And nobody's working at McDonald's - hell, they're probably responsible for the zombie plague.

(also, child obesity)

3) Mind

Outside of imagining what it would be like to hang out with Woody Harrelson and Emma Stone, I don't give a lot of consideration to living during the zombie apocalypse. Not because I don't think it will happen (although I don't), but because my mind is busy contemplating other things, such as "Is James Harden trying to be the Brian Wilson of basketball, or are the both just trying to be Mr. T?" 

And assuming the zombie apocalypse did happen, this would be more of a hindrance than a helpful resource. Imagine walking around in the abandoned mall; "Hey guys, who was your favorite Power Ranger?" It might be nice to keep your mind occupied for a while, but at the end of the world, it's probably best to stay focused on staying alive, and that has never really been a big concern of mine. The best thing that could probably happen to me in the events of a zombie apocalypse is turning into a zombie. Never again would I have to worry about food, sleep, or shelter. All that I would have to worry about is whether people know how to fire a gun or operate a chainsaw.