I'm the type of person who gets excited when I see trailers for Sucker Punch or Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Yeah. One is a movie that looks like a bunch of hot chicks fighting in a post-apocalyptic world, the other turns "The Great Emancipator" into "The Vampire Slayer." What's not to love? In my defense, Sucker Punch was actually pretty good (this may be due in part to my incredibly low expectations), and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter doesn't open for another week, but I have bought the book.
So, what's my point? The point is, I think I'd make an excellent movie critic. So many critics are so self-righteous. I have no such facade. I am what I am, and I like what I like. One reason I love Roger Ebert is because he has his own method of rating movies - he rates movies in comparison with similar movies. This gives movies like Sucker Punch a fighting chance.
One thing that I have on Mr. Ebert is that I love bad movies. Some might call this a weakness, but I'm determined that it gives me an edge over other critics. I can acknowledge a movie is bad and still enjoy it. To quote Ebert himself; "I cannot recommend the movie, but ... why the hell can't I? Just because it's godawful? What kind of reason is that for staying away from a movie? Godawful and boring, that would be a reason." I go out of my way to find really bad movies. It's somewhat of an addiction. But hell, there are worse addictions to be had. So I present to you my practice round of bad movie reviews. But first, a few ground rules;
1) No movies directed by Ed Wood or "Alan Smithee"
2) No Syfy Original Movies. They're just too easy a target.
3) No Troll 2. Same qualifications as rule #2.
Madmen of Mandoras (They Saved Hitler's Brain!)
At the end of WWII, Nazi scientists removed Hitler's still-living head and placed it in a jar and fled to the fictional South American country of Mandoras, so they could late revive the Third Reich. If that doesn't sound good enough, 20 additional minutes were shot by UCLA students several years later in the 1960's when it was adapted for television.
("are you quite certain dis is ze only logical vay to save mein brain?" "ja, mein fuhrer." "vell, okay zen. nossing bad can come of zis.")
Leprechaun 4: In Space
The Leprechaun series follows a murderous leprechaun (played by Warwick Davis). One thing about this series is that the next film never really picks up where the last one left off. Case in point, Leprechaun 4: In Space. It starts in an ambiguous year, when a group of astronauts are headed to Mars to save the Martian princess. It never states clearly how the leprechaun got to space or, really, why, but he plans to marry the Martian princess to steal her family's wealth.
(his on-screen death captured the typical audience reaction to this movie)
Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood
Apparently, the sequel to Leprechaun 4: In Space, Leprechaun in the Hood, was so good that the only logical direction was to send him back 2 tha hood.
(yes, the leprechaun is doing what you think he's doing)
Transmorphers
The worst thing about this film is not that it's a blatant ripoff of Transformers (one where apparently the Decepticons win) or the lack of Megan Fox. It's that it tries way too hard to be progressive, where they use the term "sir" unisexually and the main protagonist's ex-girlfriend married a woman after he cryogenically frozen. Yes, I'm afraid the civil rights issues and political correctness of the film is overshadowed by the weak plot. And that's why I love it.
(pictured; CGI with a limited budget)
Surf Ninjas
Okay, so true story. I bought this movie for a buck on VHS at Deseret Industries. I have been blessed with a TV/VCR combo, and this movie has helped me relive my childhood. It's not that this is a particularly bad movie; it's a kid's movie, and those are supposed to be bad. It's that the whole production seems to be a vehicle for Ernie Reyes, Jr.'s acting career. The movie was produced by Ernie Reyes, Sr., who also appears in a major role the movie. Also starring Rob Schneider as best friend, Iggy, and Leslie Nielsen as the obviously Asian Colonel Chi, who took Ernie's rightful spot on throne of the fictional Asian country of Patusan. By the way, what do you call someone who's acting credits include Surf Ninjas and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze? The best. Childhood. Ever. And for the record, I like Ernie Reyes, Jr. and if the zombie apocalypse ever does happen, I'd want him on my team.
(special thanks to Sega Game Gear for making Leslie Nielsen look slightly more Asian)
From Mandoras to Patusan, there are a lot of bad movies, but nobody makes them quite like America.
(U.S.A.! U.S.A.!)
I love you, Brent, but you being a legitimate movie critic is a horrendous idea.
ReplyDeleteBeing a movie critic for bad movies? That could work.
PS Throughout the entire post, I kept thinking, "Phil and Claire Dunphy would enjoy this post. They might even join in and start a debate." (Do you remember the episode where the go to see Sharktopus? Do you?)
Croctopus. Yes.
ReplyDelete