Holiday Inn, Holiday Out

Don't you just love the holidays?

I sure don't.

Don't get me wrong. I like celebrating the New Year. I love Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July. And, despite my mixed emotions, I even enjoy Christmas. And then we've got Halloween, Valentine's Day, birthdays (which happen every day), not to mention all the other federal, public, and religious holidays. But do you ever really need an excuse to celebrate? I mean, every day you wake up is a day you're still alive. Isn't that something worth celebrating?

There are way too many holidays. A lot of them are celebrated without even knowing why. Can anybody tell me why we celebrate St. Patrick's Day? (Just to be clear, I'm using the term "we" loosely; I don't celebrate it. Coming from Anglo-Nordic stock, I'm about 3.2% Irish, which is the same as the alcohol content in the state of Utah, which any of my drinking friends will tell you is no reason to celebrate.) It's about the arrival of Christianity in Ireland and, apparently, the expulsion of the snakes. Makes sense to me. I imagine the snakes thought "Christianity? God, no! From the earliest passages of scripture, we're associated with Lucifer."

("That'ssssssss not how we ssssssssound!")

How about Cinco de Mayo? It ain't the Mexican Independence Day. It's a celebration of Mexico's victory over France, and it's more widely celebrated in the United States than in Mexico. Is this because of American ignorance and bravado, or because of our well-documented hatred of the French? The answer is probably both.

If I had things my way (and believe me, you want me to have things my way), I'd solve the holiday crisis. And I'd do it the following ways;

1) Make the Fourth of July a national holiday. For constitutional reasons, the United States doesn't have conventional national holidays, in that there are no days in which all businesses are closed. But it seems ironic that we can't celebrate the birth of a nation on a national scale.

(no, not that Birth of a Nation)

2) Give Christmas back to the pagans. It's only fair, Christians. You took it from them, now give it back. And I'm sure they'll let you celebrate their holiday if you're nice. And in turn, they'll let you have Easter.

(be nice to the pagans - Nicolas Cage had to learn that the hard way)

3) Valoween; the amalgamated Valentine's Day and Halloween. I believe these two holidays are already the same thing; children celebrate by giving each other candy, adults celebrate by dressing like sluts.

(Halloween costume, or sexy Valentine's Day roleplay?)

I know that on a traditional scale, that one celebrates love and the other celebrates fear, but really, those are the same feelings, too. Anybody who contends otherwise has never been in love (or at least lustfully infatuated). And this is the perfect opportunity for people who bitch and bicker about "Single Awareness Day" to go door-to-door asking for sex. Trick... or treat?

(definitely both)

4) There will be a "Hangover Day" to be celebrated twice a year; on New Year's Day (to accommodate for New Year's Eve) and every Monday after the Super Bowl. You're welcome. I was considering making it three times a year, for an Independence Day accommodation, but let's be sensible - you probably shouldn't be drinking and lighting fireworks anyway.

(pictured; the best, scientifically-proven cure for a hangover)

5) Combine all the unnecessary, idiotic holidays - Arbor Day, Labor Day, April Fools' Day, etc. - into one day called "Vacation Day." This will be celebrated every first second Monday in September. This gives children a breath of relief from "back-to-school" stress, and it gives adults another excuse to drink.

(not like you really need an excuse)

6) Thanksgiving shall remain as is. Black Friday shall become Black Saturday, or "Black Sabbath." (Thanksgiving is about eating and relaxing, not Christmas preparation).

(pictured; gifts for next year's Black Friday)

That's about ten holidays a year. If that's not enough for you, you don't have enough reasons to celebrate.

Return of the Revenge: The Sequeling

It was ten years after Night of the Living Dead that George A. Romero made Dawn of the Dead. Fifteen years passed from Escape from New York until we saw Snake Plissken Escape from L.A. And it took 19 years for Indiana Jones to discover the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, although that particular discovery would have been best left undiscovered. The point is, sometimes it takes way too long to make a sequel.

But I'm back. And bitchier and more catty than ever. If any of you even care any more.

To those of you reading this, I have just a few questions I'd like to ask you. They're questions I ask anybody I care to know better. None of the cordial, predictable "favorite bands" or "favorite movies" horse crap I ask everybody when we initially meet. These are True Questions of the Soul;

1) Let's imagine you were approached by a wealthy individual of your same gender. Said person offers you money for just one night of sex. What's the least amount of money for which you would agree to this proposition?

To those men who are wondering who's pitching and who's catching, you're already thinking way too much about this. But I'll play along; think of the minimum amount you'd be willing to accept for each.

If you're answer is free, you're probably gay (good for you!).

If you're answer is anything less than $1,000, you're a whore (good for you!).

If you're answer is anywhere from $1,001 and $10,000, you're greedy (and I ain't judgin').

If you're answer is anywhere from $10,001 to $25,000, you're probably desperate.

If you're answer is $one million, congratulations, you're a douche.

If you'd never do it, ever, then you're probably lying.

If you said you'd be willing to do it for free, so long as the homophobic Christian right had to watch, good for you; you're so edgy and progressive and probably gay!

The moral? Everybody's got a price.

(something I learned from Ted DiBiase as a child)

2) Answer the following;

Do you believe in God?

 _Yes _No _Maybe

Do you believe in ghosts, zombies, etc.? 

_Yes _No _Maybe

Would the existence of ghosts or zombies prove or disprove the existence of God? 

_Prove _Disprove _Neither

This reveals quite a bit about your religious beliefs. For example;

If you answered Yes/Yes/Prove, you're a dogmatist.

If you answered Maybe/Maybe/Neither, you're the worst kind of agnostic.
If you answered No/Yes/Disprove, you're a hypocrite (and probably Bill Maher).

("I also believe in alternative medicine.")

3) Assume you were found guilty of treason, you will be put to death in two days. However, they let you choose your last meal and your method of execution. What would be your last meal and how would you be killed?

This serves no purpose besides my own twisted amusement. My own answer is brats, sauerkraut, Buffalo wings, and an ice cold Coca-Cola. I would then be killed by a firing squad.

(or by beheading, if it can be done by this guy)

4) Think carefully about this one. If you could have any superpower, what would it be, what would be your alias, and would be a hero or a villain?

I already know my answer. I would have the power of exact change; every time I reach into my wallet, I have the exact amount of money that I need. I would call myself "Exacto". It's the perfect superpower. Going to the movies? Getting some popcorn, maybe? Pow! Buying a new car? Zap! Hey, Mr. Rapist, what would it take for you to not go through with this? Bam! And don't worry about the economy; it all comes from illegal activity. You see, my pocket is only as deep as the criminal activity in this country. The moment there is no money illegally changing hands is the moment I go broke. So, that would make me a hero, wouldn't it? And it's probably not a power I should be calling attention to, but honestly - if I have that power, I'm going to use the hell out of it. And once I run out of street criminals and mob bosses, I'll have a whole new stack of money to use from government officials.

(and those guys have the most dirty money of all)

5) This one is a little controversial; if you had to go back in time to assassinate or attempt to assassinate one of the following, who would it be? Your choices are;

A) Che Guevara

B) Ronald Reagan

C) Both

If your answer is A, you lean conservative or at least don't buy into that martyrdom crap.

If your answer is B, you lean liberal or you're obsessed with Jodie Foster.

If your answer is C, you're rational or psychotic (sorry, there's really no middle ground here).

(¡Viva el Cheagan!)

Now that you've answered these questions, I'll get back to writing, and I'll try to have another sequel for you again soon.