Utah is lacking in tourism. And why wouldn't we? We were formed as a territory by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to avoid religious persecution, so that one day we could do some persecuting of our own. I'm kidding (kind of), but outside of the history of the Church (which appeals to an admittedly low audience) what do we have to offer? We claim to have the greatest snow on Earth. Not that I would know. I don't really like snow and I have no interest in skiing. We're already essentially a theocratic separatist commune within a larger system of an increasingly authoritarian democracy. Don't believe me? Check out the alcohol laws. I don't know why we need them. They don't even apply to Mormons, who are, by commandment, teetotalers. It's just theocratic nonsense. Don't get me wrong, I hold no grudge against the Church. I still consider myself one of them (just a relatively crappy one). I still can't think of a good enough slogan, but it's between these two;
Utah: At Least We're Not North Dakota
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| (pay close attention, or you'll miss it) |
This is the Place (At Least Until We Go Back to Independence, Missouri)
Politics: Overwhelmingly Republican. As though it's any surprise. Even in 2008, 62.5% of Utah voted for John McCain. McCain didn't even do that well in his home state of Arizona. And in 2012, when Republican Mormon Mitt Romney ran, he gathered 72.69% of the vote. I won't even tell you how he did in Massachusetts. Strangely, Mitt Romney was the preferred candidate even over fellow Republican Mormon, the rational, moderate Jon Huntsman, Jr.
Religion: A large majority of Utah's population are Mormon, although not all of them are active. 59% of the population are unlikable Mormons, 41% are unlikable anti-Mormons, 2% are non-denominational, and 1% are logical, with a 3% margin of error.
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| (pictured; someone with nothing better to do) |
Race and ancestory: Around 80% of the state of Utah are white/Caucasian (roughly 65% of them are part of the Aryan race). There is also a strong latino/Hispanic population in second at about 10%, Pacific Islanders coming in the third at 6%, 2% American Indian/Native American, 2% Asian, with about five families of African Americans living throughout the state.
Sports: Utah is home of the NBA basketball team the Jazz, the second most popular professional basketball team in Utah. Formed in 1974 in New Orleans, the team made the exodus north due to poor local support and investors. The move proved to displease the people pf New Orleans, who felt that keeping the name "the Jazz" was in poor taste, citing a metaphor for the contraband of Jazz music from its cultural roots to a state that didn't have any music outside of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the then-popular Osmonds. The franchise gained popularity with the arrival of John Stockton and Karl Malone, who led them to the NBA finals in 1997 and 1998 (a fact they still flaunt), though they were defeated both times by Michael Jordan (and the Chicago Bulls).
Utah is also home to the "Holy War," a rivalry between the University of Utah and Brigham Young University, most famously between their football programs. Though they have shared heated moments on and off the field, Ute fans and Cougar fans both agree; Utah State University Aggie fans are the worst.
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| (okay, so their cheerleaders are hotter than ours. but in BYU's defense, it's not easy to dance in a burqa) |
Symbols: Utah, like every other state, has its state bird (California Gull, larus californicus, "sky roaches"), state motto ("Industry"), state nickname ("The Beehive State," which is the meaning of Deseret), and even our own state snack (Jell-O). I have a couple of suggestions to add;
state beverage: Diet Coke, drank by chubby housewives statewide (second choice, Mountain Dew, the more delicious option, is drank en masse by the local tools, douche bags, and bros).
state condiment: fry sauce. A simple mixture of ketchup and mayonnaise (though there are several variants and additions) used mainly for French fries.
So, there you have it. It may not be much, but it's home, and despite my best efforts, I still love it.
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| (I... Utah?.. Utah) |
