Damn Me

"Am I evil?

Yes, I am

Am I evil?

I am, man."

("Am I Evil," by Diamond Head)

I took a speech class at BYU-Idaho to help me with my public speaking and debate skills. I did alright with that, but there was one area where I excelled; my outspokenness. Our final for the class was to issue each person in our class a unique award, and I was awarded the title of "King of Blunt Statements" - a title I wear as a badge to this day. I can't help it; I was never very good at lies, let alone tact. Sometimes the filter between what I think and what I say malfunctions. But sometimes even I'm surprised by the crap I say;

- I wanted to be the first person to make a Whitney Houston joke, so the following day at work, I asked my coworker if she could do something. She said she already had, that she was "on top of things." So I said "If you were anymore on top of things, they'd be yelling 'Bobby, no!'"

- This one's pretty bad. "Maybe I'm sick, but that Casey Anthony is a MILF. I don't think I could ever get involved in a relationship with her, because if she ever got pregnant, I would have to ask 'Are you going to get an abortion, or are you just going to take care of it after?'"

- This one is pretty bad, too. "I wear my Elmo shirt to meet chicks." Just think about that one for a second.

(I am a crappy person. what a crappy pun.)

Am I evil?

There are some things in life worth fighting for. Some people fight for equal rights, some people fight cancer. I fight against censorship, self-editing or government-regulated.

Look, there are some things in life that are just funny, yet by which people are easily offended. And because some people find some things offensive, we're censored. A few weeks ago I was getting lectured on positive thinking, and I made the comment "But I'm happiest while being negative. We have a conundrum!" Somebody heard this and started berating me with nonsense that "what you say has an effect on people" and so on. So what? It's called having a sense of humor, dummy. You know what they call an optimistic comedian? Not funny. Comedy is, by nature, rather dark and negative. Freud defined humor as a comedic act that anesthetizes emotion. Bill Cosby is a notoriously clean comedian, and he talks about an abusive father! Like George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words, there are four things that will just always be funny. I will leave political jokes to both sides of the aisle.

1) Racism

I'm not racist, nor do I endorse racism. Most of the people I know who laugh at racist jokes aren't racist. The thing is, you've got to be able to look at our differences and laugh at them rather than deny that they exist. Putting on blackface is racist. But Dave Chappelle does the same thing to white people. And you know something? It's funny.

example: "White people! You did not get a receipt for us, you cannot return us!" (Katt Williams)

2) Misogyny/Sexism

I support equal rights. But I also think that some women like to pretend they have penises, and this is the crap that makes their pseudo-penis pucker. Jokes about the kitchen and laundry. You know, the Carol Brady generation.

example: "It's not sexist to think Palin and Bachmann are boobs." (Bill Maher)

3) Sacrilege/Blasphemy

Religion is such a sensitive subject. It's easy to say "religion is dumb" or "that religion is dumb," but to point out the flaws in our own humanity is where the true humor lies.

example: "When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness." (Emo Philips)

4) Human Sexuality

Sex is many things. To some, it is the ultimate act of love and romance. To others, it is simply the biological impulse to mate. But no matter your personal views, one thing is certain; we're all interested in it, and we're all sensitive about it. Guys are concerned over the size of their penises, and women just want some respect (see; #2).

example: "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." (Rodney Dangerfield)

I think what it all boils down to is that the best way to get over our fears and insecurities is laugh about them. The best defense is a good offense (or is it the other way around?). I'd like to think that I've got something right. I'm just saying the truth the way I see it. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I am just evil. And if that's the case, Obama's not the antichrist, middle America; I am.

(not pictured; the antichrist)

Every Stereotype I Know I Learned from Street Fighter

Let's be perfectly clear; I love video games. I don't think kids who play video games are at any more risk of shooting up their classmates or coworkers any more than the rest of us. And I'm almost certain that there's less risk of them going Rambo if they're parked in front of Mortal Kombat than if they're getting bullied at school and neglected at home.

With that being said, I'm tired of hearing how racist and intolerant America is. Yeah, we had a dark period of slavery (it just struck me that the descriptive word of "dark" may be considered a double entendre). And as messed up as it is that the KKK is still around, people seem to forget that there's still slavery in certain parts of the world. America is an easy target because it's constantly in the spotlight. Countries are like celebrities. The biggest and most famous are always in the news; the smaller, lesser-known stars are only in the news when they die (and suddenly, just as in Hollywood, everybody remembers how great they are).

But if you've ever played a Japanese video games (and if you've ever played any video game, you probably have), you had to have noticed some sort of racism. It's not very subtle.

(left to right; Zangief, President Gorbachev. not pictured; subtlety)

That's Street Fighter for ya. I learned as much about world stereotypes from that game as I did about geography (I remember getting a D on my geography test in junior high, but if they would've put it in the form of a Street Fighter world map, I would've fared much better - though I may have listed Russia as the U.S.S.R.). Let's take a look at what they think of the British;

Incredible. I know that's what I think of when I think of Great Britain (that is when I'm not thinking of Helena Bonham Carter. she's eccentric, yes, but sometimes that gets in the way of her hotness). It's as though they didn't know which stereotype to use; the old-school boxer or the high-class gentleman. Now let's play a game. Let's guess where each of these fighters come from.

Okay, so the first guy is Guile, the blatantly American military-type. Next is Honda, the Japanese sumo wrestler. And the last guy... I dunno, is he some sort of evil Irish leprechaun? Nope, that's Blanka, the acrobratic Brazilian monster. Okay, I get that people think of Brazil as some sort of untamed wilderness, but this is ridiculous. Even the people are savage. By the way, I've been to Brazil. Besides being much greener than us (their land, not their skin!), they're not much different from us. They just watch more telenovelas than we do. The only stereotype that doesn't make much sense to me is Dhalsim, the Indian guy. They seem to associate India with yoga and body distortion.

(you think yoga's hard? try doing it while breathing fire!)

They associate India with a skinny, bald guy who...

...Oh. Now I guess it makes sense.

Well, to bring my post to a close, I want to share the story of M. Bison. Not the M. Bison as Americans know him, but the original "Iron" Mike Bison! That's right, in Japan they used Mike Tyson's likeness to create the first boxer in the series (before that Dudley douche). However, due to legal troubles, they had to play a sort of musical chairs with names. Vega, the Thai dictator, became (ambiguous M.) Bison. Balrog, the effeminate Spaniard, became Vega. And Mike Bison became Balrog.

(makes sense, right?)

Welcome to Dystopia

dystopia - A society characterized by human suffering.

Perhaps I've been a bit harsh on the fear-mongers proclaiming the end of the world. I mean, as I right this, 2012 is still pretty young. The world is supposed to supposedly end until Christmas (why are those Mayans trying to ruin something that can be celebrated by Christian and heathen alike? I think they're just bitter that they're an extinct tribe). But I don't know why we're all anticipating a biblical apocalypse. Isn't it already happening? Come on, all you theologians and scripturians! Let's take a look at the Book of Brent!

Everything I know about the apocalypse, like everything else I've learned, I learned from movies. So what are some common themes in these post-apocalyptic cinematic pieces?

#1 - The Decline of Natural Fuel Supplies (The Mad Max Approach)

The Mad Max series takes places in Australia where Max "Isn't That William Wallace?" Rockatansky, a former MFP patrolman, hunts down gang members who killed his family (hilarity ensues). The whole premise of this series is the declining world oil supply.

(also, for some reason, this guy)

But, wait...

Estimations of peak oil production predict global decline in 2020. That's eight years from now. And that's the optimistic guesstimate. And when I think back about what I was doing eight years ago, it's easy to remember just how short a time that is. And gas prices will raise to as much as $5 a gallon. Insert gagging sound here. To quote my brother, Goose, "I'll vote for whoever gives me cheap gas. I guess that means you win, Beto's."

(Beto's 2016!)

#2 - The Failure of Human Technology (The Terminator Approach)

To be honest, I'm not sure if this counts as technological failure so much as technological conquest. In The Terminator, in the future, machines become self-conscious. The robots have an uprising and, for some reason, make we, the people ("us, the people" just didn't have the same ring to it) their servants. How deliciously ironic! We use technology to serve our needs only to become tools of technology!

But, wait...

Last I checked, we're already slaves to technology. With each new iPad, iPhone, and iDontknowwhatelse, everything prior is becoming more and more obsolete. My iPod is so two years ago. And guess what? It still works fine. Hey, do you remember when you wanted to get a job, you used to have to go to the place of employment and pick up an application and leave a résumé? Now you can do it from the comfort of your own home, without the scary concept of human interaction, and then you can go right back to Twitter and let everybody know how productive you're being.

(finally! no more 140-word restrictions! now I can give the exact location, description, and ambiance of the gas station restroom I'm Tweeting from)

#3 - The Environmental Disaster (The Inconvenient Truth Approach

Global warming. Nothing seems to piss off a conservative more that these two words, especially when coming from Al Gore or Barack Obama.

But, wait...

Don't be so quick to judge, people. There is a change in climate, whether it's due to environmental carelessness or natural process. I'm not saying go out and by a hybrid car and get up on your soapbox like (enter Hollywood actor/actress's name here), but what does it hurt to cut back on gas consumption or trying to find a more reliable fuel or picking up a little litter?

(also, for every piece of trash you litter, you will make an indian cry)

#4 - The Nuclear World War (The Doctor Strangelove Approach)

A cold war comedy. You didn't see a lot of those during the Cold War. Due in equal parts to misunderstanding and fear (hey! this is the Cold War!), an aircraft pilot is commanded to bomb Russia. What ensues is diplomatic satire, resulting in the nuclear holocaust.

Now, call me crazy, but I don't actually think this will happen. I could be wrong, but I sure as hell hope I'm not. Nuclear war seems like a pretty dated concept. Effective, yes. But to what end? Most world powers have nuclear weapons. So, if we attack Russia, we could get attacked by France, who would be attacked by Britain, who would be attacked by China, who would be attacked by Russia, just for good measure. North Korea would launch an attack on South Korea, but the bomb would prematurely explode before it was even airborne. Hilarity ensues.

I could talk about the pandemic or the upcoming zombie apocalypse, but I'm not going to. I think a nuclear holocaust is more eminent than that. Again, I could be wrong, but if I am, at least we can look forward to killing the undead.

(when zombies are the fastest-growing third party option, will we finally be able to cooperate? can we finally stop killing each other and start killing with each other?)