Damn Me

"Am I evil?

Yes, I am

Am I evil?

I am, man."

("Am I Evil," by Diamond Head)

I took a speech class at BYU-Idaho to help me with my public speaking and debate skills. I did alright with that, but there was one area where I excelled; my outspokenness. Our final for the class was to issue each person in our class a unique award, and I was awarded the title of "King of Blunt Statements" - a title I wear as a badge to this day. I can't help it; I was never very good at lies, let alone tact. Sometimes the filter between what I think and what I say malfunctions. But sometimes even I'm surprised by the crap I say;

- I wanted to be the first person to make a Whitney Houston joke, so the following day at work, I asked my coworker if she could do something. She said she already had, that she was "on top of things." So I said "If you were anymore on top of things, they'd be yelling 'Bobby, no!'"

- This one's pretty bad. "Maybe I'm sick, but that Casey Anthony is a MILF. I don't think I could ever get involved in a relationship with her, because if she ever got pregnant, I would have to ask 'Are you going to get an abortion, or are you just going to take care of it after?'"

- This one is pretty bad, too. "I wear my Elmo shirt to meet chicks." Just think about that one for a second.

(I am a crappy person. what a crappy pun.)

Am I evil?

There are some things in life worth fighting for. Some people fight for equal rights, some people fight cancer. I fight against censorship, self-editing or government-regulated.

Look, there are some things in life that are just funny, yet by which people are easily offended. And because some people find some things offensive, we're censored. A few weeks ago I was getting lectured on positive thinking, and I made the comment "But I'm happiest while being negative. We have a conundrum!" Somebody heard this and started berating me with nonsense that "what you say has an effect on people" and so on. So what? It's called having a sense of humor, dummy. You know what they call an optimistic comedian? Not funny. Comedy is, by nature, rather dark and negative. Freud defined humor as a comedic act that anesthetizes emotion. Bill Cosby is a notoriously clean comedian, and he talks about an abusive father! Like George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words, there are four things that will just always be funny. I will leave political jokes to both sides of the aisle.

1) Racism

I'm not racist, nor do I endorse racism. Most of the people I know who laugh at racist jokes aren't racist. The thing is, you've got to be able to look at our differences and laugh at them rather than deny that they exist. Putting on blackface is racist. But Dave Chappelle does the same thing to white people. And you know something? It's funny.

example: "White people! You did not get a receipt for us, you cannot return us!" (Katt Williams)

2) Misogyny/Sexism

I support equal rights. But I also think that some women like to pretend they have penises, and this is the crap that makes their pseudo-penis pucker. Jokes about the kitchen and laundry. You know, the Carol Brady generation.

example: "It's not sexist to think Palin and Bachmann are boobs." (Bill Maher)

3) Sacrilege/Blasphemy

Religion is such a sensitive subject. It's easy to say "religion is dumb" or "that religion is dumb," but to point out the flaws in our own humanity is where the true humor lies.

example: "When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness." (Emo Philips)

4) Human Sexuality

Sex is many things. To some, it is the ultimate act of love and romance. To others, it is simply the biological impulse to mate. But no matter your personal views, one thing is certain; we're all interested in it, and we're all sensitive about it. Guys are concerned over the size of their penises, and women just want some respect (see; #2).

example: "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." (Rodney Dangerfield)

I think what it all boils down to is that the best way to get over our fears and insecurities is laugh about them. The best defense is a good offense (or is it the other way around?). I'd like to think that I've got something right. I'm just saying the truth the way I see it. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I am just evil. And if that's the case, Obama's not the antichrist, middle America; I am.

(not pictured; the antichrist)