Welcome to Dystopia

dystopia - A society characterized by human suffering.

Perhaps I've been a bit harsh on the fear-mongers proclaiming the end of the world. I mean, as I right this, 2012 is still pretty young. The world is supposed to supposedly end until Christmas (why are those Mayans trying to ruin something that can be celebrated by Christian and heathen alike? I think they're just bitter that they're an extinct tribe). But I don't know why we're all anticipating a biblical apocalypse. Isn't it already happening? Come on, all you theologians and scripturians! Let's take a look at the Book of Brent!

Everything I know about the apocalypse, like everything else I've learned, I learned from movies. So what are some common themes in these post-apocalyptic cinematic pieces?

#1 - The Decline of Natural Fuel Supplies (The Mad Max Approach)

The Mad Max series takes places in Australia where Max "Isn't That William Wallace?" Rockatansky, a former MFP patrolman, hunts down gang members who killed his family (hilarity ensues). The whole premise of this series is the declining world oil supply.

(also, for some reason, this guy)

But, wait...

Estimations of peak oil production predict global decline in 2020. That's eight years from now. And that's the optimistic guesstimate. And when I think back about what I was doing eight years ago, it's easy to remember just how short a time that is. And gas prices will raise to as much as $5 a gallon. Insert gagging sound here. To quote my brother, Goose, "I'll vote for whoever gives me cheap gas. I guess that means you win, Beto's."

(Beto's 2016!)

#2 - The Failure of Human Technology (The Terminator Approach)

To be honest, I'm not sure if this counts as technological failure so much as technological conquest. In The Terminator, in the future, machines become self-conscious. The robots have an uprising and, for some reason, make we, the people ("us, the people" just didn't have the same ring to it) their servants. How deliciously ironic! We use technology to serve our needs only to become tools of technology!

But, wait...

Last I checked, we're already slaves to technology. With each new iPad, iPhone, and iDontknowwhatelse, everything prior is becoming more and more obsolete. My iPod is so two years ago. And guess what? It still works fine. Hey, do you remember when you wanted to get a job, you used to have to go to the place of employment and pick up an application and leave a résumé? Now you can do it from the comfort of your own home, without the scary concept of human interaction, and then you can go right back to Twitter and let everybody know how productive you're being.

(finally! no more 140-word restrictions! now I can give the exact location, description, and ambiance of the gas station restroom I'm Tweeting from)

#3 - The Environmental Disaster (The Inconvenient Truth Approach

Global warming. Nothing seems to piss off a conservative more that these two words, especially when coming from Al Gore or Barack Obama.

But, wait...

Don't be so quick to judge, people. There is a change in climate, whether it's due to environmental carelessness or natural process. I'm not saying go out and by a hybrid car and get up on your soapbox like (enter Hollywood actor/actress's name here), but what does it hurt to cut back on gas consumption or trying to find a more reliable fuel or picking up a little litter?

(also, for every piece of trash you litter, you will make an indian cry)

#4 - The Nuclear World War (The Doctor Strangelove Approach)

A cold war comedy. You didn't see a lot of those during the Cold War. Due in equal parts to misunderstanding and fear (hey! this is the Cold War!), an aircraft pilot is commanded to bomb Russia. What ensues is diplomatic satire, resulting in the nuclear holocaust.

Now, call me crazy, but I don't actually think this will happen. I could be wrong, but I sure as hell hope I'm not. Nuclear war seems like a pretty dated concept. Effective, yes. But to what end? Most world powers have nuclear weapons. So, if we attack Russia, we could get attacked by France, who would be attacked by Britain, who would be attacked by China, who would be attacked by Russia, just for good measure. North Korea would launch an attack on South Korea, but the bomb would prematurely explode before it was even airborne. Hilarity ensues.

I could talk about the pandemic or the upcoming zombie apocalypse, but I'm not going to. I think a nuclear holocaust is more eminent than that. Again, I could be wrong, but if I am, at least we can look forward to killing the undead.

(when zombies are the fastest-growing third party option, will we finally be able to cooperate? can we finally stop killing each other and start killing with each other?)