Music That Will Make Your Ears Scream

In my last post, I talked about how music has dropped in quality. Well, at the same time, it has raised in quantity. For every Beatle, we have about twenty Hansons that pop up on the radar just long enough to make ridiculous amounts of money and fade into obscure pop culture references. That's a lot of crappy music to be made. A lot of crappy music. I can say it again, if it will help get the message across. And you know how I can tell when music is going to suck? Aside from sonic qualities, lyrical prowess, and sex appeal, there are two main ways you know a band is going to suck;

1) They are called "the next Beatles." Way to jump the shark, guys. This never works. It didn't work for Oasis, it didn't work for The Arctic Monkeys (who?), and it sure as hell didn't work for The Jonas Brothers. There will never be another Beatles, so stop trying.

2) The band describes themselves s "indie." For those of you not in the know, "indie" refers "independent label," meaning they are currently unsigned to any major record label or they're just on an unknown, unimportant, underground label. Of all the genres you can use to describe what your band plays, you're going with indie? The only people you're going to impress with that are hipsters, and nobody likes a hipster. So you play "indie music," huh? Basically, that tells me you can't think of a better way to describe your boring, whiny, three-cord, pre-teen poetry. I'm going to be listening to Metallica. Or is that too mainstream for you? It is? Good. Stay away from me.

So, we know that there's crappy music. It's just a fact of life. But what music is the worst of it is completely subjective. Most people I've met like "We Didn't Start the Fire," by Billy Joel. I hate it. I heard it every day in my dance class in the sixth grade (or maybe it was my singing class). I hated that class. I hated the sixth grade. And with heavy repetition, even good songs can quickly become bad.

But I can tell you subjectively the worst five songs ever made using objective reasoning. These songs are based on tone, overall message, and the messenger/artist. So, although there may be songs with worse sonic quality (such as Rebecca Black's "Friday" or anything by Ace of Base), these songs are rationally worse.

5) "Baby," by Justin Bieber
I know it seems easy to start the list off with Justin Bieber. And believe me, it is. But just so you don't think I'm big bully, just read a sample of the lyrics; "My first love broke my heart for the first time / and I'm like, 'baby, baby, baby, no!' I thought you'd always be mine." No, Justin Bieber. You aren't in love with this girl. You're only 17. Making you 15 or 16 when you wrote this piece of crap. Plus, you sound like a chick.

4) "God Bless the USA," by Lee Greenwood
I am a patriot. I love America. And Mr. Greenwood's awful voice aside, I even like patriotic songs. But this is like a jingoistic tribute to everything from the grounds we walk on to the sky above us (because, ya know, the sky above our country is way better than the sky over a socialist country like Denmark). And did I mention he made a Canadian version? 'Cause he did. It's like "I'm proud to be Canadian, between shifts of being American." What a tool.

3) "Christmas Shoes," be New Song
I can't say it any better than Patton Oswalt, so let me paraphrase. "There's a guy in line. He's a little cranky on Christmas. God looks down and sees this. 'Somebody in a bad mood on my son's birthday? Give that kid's mom cancer, make sure he's in front of him in line, make him seven cents short for the shoes, this guy will by them, then he'll be in a good mood.'" Can't argue that logic.

2) "Jesus, Take the Wheel," by Carrie Underwood
Basically, this song is about giving up. Yeah, I get it. You've had it hard. You know who else has? Everyone. There are kids starving in Africa. God helps those who help themselves. So get up and do things for yourself. And while you're at it, why not make a small donation to feed those starving children in Ethiopia? Brownie points.

1) "Miracles," by Insane Clown Posse
A horrorcore rap group that sings about stabbing people in the butt and sprays the audience with an off-brand soft drink. They might be hilarious, if their fans, affectionately called "juggalos" (a portmanteau of "gigolo" and "juggler," because clowns sometimes juggle, get it? Get it?...) didn't take themselves so seriously. So after all the juggling and butt-stabbing, they clearly made the logical decision and wrote "Miracles," which is either the most elaborate parody song ever or the most idiotic song about God ever (spoiler alert; it's the latter). I'm a spiritual guy, but this is four and a half minutes dedicated to not knowing how things work. Apparently, their way of inciting intelligent debate is accusing scientists of lying.

Movies are Way Better Than Real Life

Everybody loves movies. Kids love movies. Adults love movies. Geriatric old folks like Matlock (and, I suppose, movies). Nothing closes the gap between generations like movies, I would argue even moreso than music, simply because music is devolving. I'm not going to argue this, just accept it. We've gone from The Beatles to The Jonas Brothers. With a few exceptions, modern rock music has become a joke set on repeat, diminishing in quality with every new band. But movies have already hit their highs and their lows. You'll find as many great movies from each generation as stinkers (which I've already admitted I love).

So I find it incredibly annoying when I'll occasionally hear about how "impossible" movies are. Of course they're not realistic; they're movies. So, you're telling me that if I spill an energy drink on a hot tub, it won't take me back in time? That's exactly what I'm telling you. Nor do I believe a robot will be sent back in time to assassinate the mother of a revolutionary who leads the crusade against the machine uprising. But this doesn't make necessarily make them worse than real life. In fact, I would argue that it makes them much better. Here are just a few reasons why;

1) Are you stupid? Don't worry, that comes across as humorous on the big screen.

2) Are you fat? Don't worry, you're probably the best friend. Plus, you're hilarious.

3) Do you have some disfigurement or some kind of debilitating disease? Don't worry, you'll overcome those adversities and somehow manage to become the most popular guy in town...

4) ...unless this is a horror flick, in which case you're probably the killer. But don't worry, I don't blame you. Society has put you in a fragile spot, and you're just reacting like any normal, depraved murderer.

5) Are you in love with an impossibly attractive guy/girl? Don't worry, you'll probably end up with them. And if not with them, then with somebody else of equal attractiveness.

6) Are you gay? Don't worry, even if you're not accepted, you're hilarious (but be careful around the fat guy, you'll be competing with him for the laughs).

7) Do you ever get sick of the monotony of your hum-drum, boring, everyday life? Don't worry, you'll probably have to foil a terrorist plot or fight ninjas or robots or aliens or something.

8) All your conflicts are resolved in an average of 2 hours (unless there's a sequel).

Life is Like a Palindrome

I'm just gonna dive right into it; sometimes life sucks, but you gotta find reasons to keep living and ways to enjoy it. And although family and friends are a good support system, you gotta make your own fun. What you do with your life comes down on one person, and that person is you. No matter how good a friend, how influential a colleague, it's on you to live your life. Here are four things I can take solace in that make me happy.

1) Movies. Everyone enjoys a good movie, but I also enjoy really bad movies. Not so much that "trying-to-be-good" bad movie, but the real, unapolgetic crap. I love B movies. They're a perfect combination of kitsch and campy, often laced with gratuitous, over-the-top violence. And I really love the garbage Syfy puts out; Raptor Island and Planet Raptor (both pretty self-explanatory), High Plains Invaders (think pre-Cowboys & Aliens, minus the budget and star power), the previously mentioned, immortal Sharktopus (which shall forever be one of my favorites), and the upcoming - wait for it - Piranhaconda! The only thing I enjoy more than actually watching these movies are the promotional posters. I think it's due in part to the campiness, but I also find novelty in the fact that by simply looking at the poster, you know all you need to know about the movie. For example, Forrest Gump is an Academy Award-winning movie with brilliant performances by all actors involved. But the promotional poster is Tom Hanks, in character, sitting on a bench. Big woop. But with Syfy and other B movies, well... just look;

(I wonder what this is about?)

2) Food. I enjoy all types. Who doesn't? But with so much Italian and Mexican to go around, I often wonder why Arab food isn't more popular. I guess it's one of those things that doesn't sound great on paper (mostly because most Americans can't pronounce them), but it tastes great. My first exposure to it was through a good Syrian friend. Then I got a second exposure to it in Brazil, in fast food form. Sfiha and kibbeh made to order? Yes, please!

(I'm not sure who Habib is, but I believe the man wearing a fez winking at you is Muhammed the Profiteer*, who delivers falafel to me and my friend Eskimo Bob)

3) Writing. Well, probably not very shocking. I mean, I have a blog that I keep pretty well updated. What you might not know is I dream of publishing novels. Good novels. Original novels. Morbidly humorous novels. I've even toyed with pen names. I was thinking something like Scott Gonzales, but we'll talk about that another day.

(although, obviously, nothing I write can ever be as good this self-help book featuring some James Van Der Beek-Zack Morris hybrid and a guy rocking jheri curls)

4) White trash culture. I don't mean to sound condescending, but I really don't know how else to put it. For someone who spends much of his time making of hardcore conservatives, I spend a lot of time bumping elbows with them. I enjoy rodeos - try telling me the majority of that audience isn't corn-fed FOX News Republican. I went to my first demolition derby recently, and I loved it. I love those down-home ma-and-pa diners. Steak and eggs with a side of grits. You're not likely to find any Keith Olbermanns here (you may spot a Hunter S. Thompson, but they tend to keep to themselves) Oh, and I like guns. I don't really use them for anything productive. I don't hunt. The thought of waking up at the buttcrack of dawn to sit and wait for something to show up to shoot sounds boring and frustrating. But boy, they sure are fun to shoot. Reach down from Heaven, Charlton Heston! High-five me!

(I guess even the KKK is raising breast cancer awareness these days)

*The profiteering Muhammed is the intellectual property of Eskimo Bob and eskimoboblives.com, and in no way relates to Muhammed the prophet of the Muslim faith

The Thing Nightmares are Made of...

So, I like movies. A lot. They're kind of a big part of my life, and have been since I first saw Dumb and Dumber. It started within the belly (wherein stored the most laughs, you see), and worked its way up into my skull to nest in my brain. Movies play a role in some form or another in my everyday life. In writing, I like to sometimes imagine how my stories would play out on film. Sometimes I reimagine certain events as if they were a motion picture. And I often wonder how my life would be as a biopic (probably really boring, what with the lack of sex, death, and action - but, I digress).

I also have respect for the people who make movies possible. Being a writer, I really respect the writers/directors that came up from nothing and made a name for themselves, like Quentin Tarantino and Kevin Smith. I admire (and kind of envy) the actors; not just the big A-list celebrities like Brad Pitt (who is both handsome and talented, which kind of makes me want to hate him) and rising stars like Shia Lebeouf (who is fugly and not talented at all, accept for in minor roles), but the stars with both good work ethic and credibility, but still remain (or at least seem to remain) down-to-earth, like Christoph "Hans Landa" Waltz.

(he plays such a charming villain, plus he looks like a Presidential candidate - but maybe I'm just being redundant. too bad he's foreign born, though. I'd vote for him)

Yes, there are many great directors, but I've recently discovered John Carpenter. He's well-known for his horror films, both good (Halloween, The Fog) and bad (Halloween III, Ghosts of Mars). But his (arguably) best is The Thing.

The movie stars Kurt Russell (a frequent John Carpenter collaborator), Wilford Brimley (yes, that Wilford Brimley), and Keith David (sound familiar? no? probably not, but I'm sure you've seen him in something. he's just one of those actors). It's about a group of American researchers in Antarctica who fall prey to an alien being. Sound familiar? Of course it does. Did I mention it's a shape-shifting alien? Still not impressed? Then you haven't seen the movie. This Thing is terrifying!

(insert muffled scream/dryheave sound here)

And if that's not enough for you, to give you some perspective, this movie was made in 1982. The special effects were latex and corn syrup with puppetry and stop-motion effects. That's way more impressive than James Cameron's Avatar! Here's a fun idea, watch it with a date, and enjoy them clinging to you for nearly 2 hours. As a bonus, if one of you poops yourself, and you manage to stay together, you know it's meant to be.

(also, if he or she doesn't poop their pants, it speaks volumes about their colon control, which may also mean that your meant to be)

Seriously, I've read and watched some pretty creepy stuff. H.P. Lovercaft is tells macabre tales that also screw with your mind. Black Sabbath has sung songs about Satan in first person. Shows like Silence of the Lambs or Dexter have you rooting for a serial killer, for crying out loud! But The Thing is the creepiest creep to which standard creepiness is measured... or at least it should be.

This Week Bites

So, first off, a true story. This past week we celebrated my niece's second brithday. My whole family was over for the weekend (apparently, turning 2 is a pretty big deal). As we were left my parents' house for the party, my brother left with his kids with me trailing behind. My nephew obviously didn't know it was me following them, as he pointed out to his father "That white boy is trying to catch us."

So there you have it. Even to my own family, I'm "that white boy." I heard it a lot in Brazil, but I've been called "white boy" since high school - ever since other white people started calling me that. It's often prefaced by a descriptive term, usually something like large or awkward. But never great. And why shouldn't I be "great white"?

Probably 'cause I'm not an awesome shark.

(not pictured; me)

It's shark week, everybody! One of my favorite times of the year! And why is that?

Did you not hear the title? Shark week! We can break it down, if you still don't understand. Shark, being a big, carnivorous fish, and week, being a period of seven days. Seven days of big, carnivorous fish! If watching large, aquatic predators kill and eat seals and other small creatures isn't enough to hook any man, I don't know what is. But okay, we'll pretend that's not enough. Here are are a couple of fun, family-friendly activities to help you get the most out of your week.

I know what you're thinking; well, I've already got my butt-groove warmed up on the couch and my stockpile of meatball subs in the fridge, but what am I supposed to do in the wee hours of the morning when I can't find any shark-themed shows? Honestly, the only good shark movie out there is Jaws. But that shouldn't stop you from watching that crap Syfy puts out. They're all pretty bad, but if you want epic bad, I suggest Sharktopus. Its bad-ness goes beyond just the shark-vs.-man genre, but it's a good place to start. To give you an impression of how bad it is, its biggest stars are Hector Jimenez (most famous for his portrayal as Esqueleto in Nacho Libre) and Eric Roberts (most famous for being Julia Roberts' brother). The plot is pretty self-explanatory; a half-shark, half-octopus (genetically engineered by the U.S. Navy for combat by the morally bankrupt Eric Roberts, just in case you were wondering) goes on a rampage off (and on) the coast of Santa Monica, California. Apparently, the sharktopus can use its tentacles to walk on land, 'cause, you know, that just makes sense. Oh, and it can impale you with its tentacles, too.

(nah, dude, it's completely different from Jaws... except for the poster... and the plot, kinda)

Now you're probably thinking my meatball subs are all gone. What shark-themed foods can I make for me and my family (and by family I mean cat)? That is a swell question. I wouldn't recommend going out and buying shark meat, because I don't know what it tastes like, and shark fin soup is rather costly, assuming you can find it. How about some shark-shaped kid's meals? I think you can find fish sticks or chicken nuggets. And if not that, be creative. Make a sandwich and try cutting it into a shark shape yourself (or get your mother's assistance).

There are a number of other things you can do, assuming the resources are available to you. You can visit the aquarium You can visit the beach (although, after Sharktopus, you're probably not going to want to go the beach). But, chances are, if you're like me, you'll spend much of shark week watching sharks on TV... where they belong.