How Can I Compete with a Machete Sequel?

I want to be a screenwriter. I want to be a director. I want to make Alfred Hitchcockesque appearances in my films (not like the self-indulgent appearances by M. Night Shyamalan - I swear, his roles get so much bigger with every new movie, I was surprised that he wasn't the main character in The Last Airbender). In short, I want to be the next Orson Welles (pre-depression-and-alcoholism). I think a lot of crap is getting made, and moviegoers deserve better. I believe I can give them something better. With an incredible (and increasingly so) lack of originality in Hollywood, I think I can give the people something original (with the exception of a C.H.U.D. remake). I frequently brainstorm and write out ideas I have for movies I want to make. Some of them are bigger than I can afford, so the idea is to start out small. Having spent my days with amateur filmmakers has taught me to keep it within budget - and realistically achievable.

(achievability must be realistic, which says nothing of the special effects)

But then I found out about Machete Kills.

How the hell can I compete with that? How can anyone compete with that?

(wait! we're getting to that!)

I'm not being condescending (not really, anyway). As much crap as I like to give Hollywood, I sincerely take solace in movies like Machete and The Expendables. I struggle to eloquently describe the hope they give me, but basically, it's this - Hollywood has become self-aware, and in recent years, this has presented a problem, producing movies such as Scary Movie (or any of those other awful Scary Movie movies, like Date Movie or Epic Movie), and as bad as those all are, it gave birth to the self-aware non-parody.

The Expendables is the same thing you've seen before and injected with steroids and heroin. Basically, they made an action movie before they had a chance to make the Scary Movie/Action Movie. They took all the action heroes from days past and put them all in one movie. Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, and Terry Crews, with appearances by Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Expendables 2 adds Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris to the mix. I can smell the napalm and cheese already. Lay it on me! 

(I assume the tagline is "I think that's all of 'em.")

Machete is a neo-exploitation film that stars Danny Trejo as the lead character (and with Danny freakin' Trejo in the lead, you can rest assured it's gonna be awesome - he's been in like 100 movies, usually as the bad guy or a henchmen - even if you don't know him, you've seen him in something). Also featured in the cast were Lindsay Lohan (probably the best role she's had in years, all things considered), Cheech Marin (yes, Cheech of Cheech & Chong fame), Steven Seagal (the man needs work, and he's not above taking a role), and Robert De Niro (!) as a corrupt Texas State Senator with Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez supplying the eye candy. Not to be outdone by The Expendables 2, Machete Kills is gonna up the ante with Amber Heard (the winner of the very first Random Examiner Man of the Year Award - "The Randy"), Vanessa Hudgens (apparently, she's taking roles to distance herself from the child-friendly High School Musical movies, but I gotta say... if you've got nude pics of yourself online, I think you've got all the distance you need from Disney), Charlie Sheen (yeah, as the President), and Mel Gibson (!) as a billionaire arms dealer with Ms. Alba and Ms. Rodriguez reprising their sexy roles.

(and just as in all of his sitcoms to date, I assume his character will also be named Charlie)

So maybe in a few years, Hollywood will be ready for something fresh. When I'm ready, they'll be ready. Good things are coming. The best is yet to come.