The Stranded Examiner

I've been a bit depressed lately. It's not a rare phenomenon, and I'm not convinced it's the big d Depression, but I've been less than enthusiastic about life. This is not my cry for help, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be the sadsack. But depression is stressful, turning things of questionable importance into big deals. Some stress adds weight, some drops weight. I've never been blessed/cursed with the latter of the two. I was actually thinking of starting what I was going to call The Depression Cookbook, with recipes for sadness from miscellaneous fast food restaurants, as well as from the comfort of your own home, with personal favorites such as these;

The Nacho Sandwich (home recipe)

Sound delicious? It is. All you need is corn chips, cheese, salsa (the hotter, the better - it acts to remind you that you are still alive), white bread (none of that whole grain crap), and maybe some lettuce and Ranch dressing. As good as it is, I haven't made it for years. I'm still recuperating from the first one.

(I typed "nacho sandwich" in google search, and this came up. go figure)

The Chinese Leftovers Sandwich, a.k.a. "The Chow" (leftovers)

This can be done with Chinese food of any quality and any order, be it Panda Express or P.F. Chang's, orange chicken or sweet and sour prawns. It's for the guy who has no shame sandwiching cold oriental food between two slices of (white) bread. That means me. The only recommendation I have is to get lo mein. Those noodles go good on a sad sandwich.

(no image available. and for good reason)

American-Made (home recipe)

Baseball. Apple pie. White guilt. These things come to mind when you think of America. And what's the most American meal? Cheeseburgers? Close. Hot dogs? Or the much more optimistic name of tube-steaks? I was thinking of something a little higher-quality. Real steaks. And how can you make a steak even more 'Merican? Add a slice of 'Merican cheese. No kidding. I've done this, and I both love it and hate myself for thinking of it. Just a word of caution; this meal takes actual preparation, meaning you have to actually prepare the steak yourself. Unless you ordered from somewhere delicious, like Texas Roadhouse. Then all you have to do is get the cheese (Kraft American singles. don't get all stingy and get the imitation-imitation cheese).

(very 'Merican!)

The McBitchin (McDonald's)

Order a McDouble and a Hot N Spicy chicken sandwich (or multiple, depending on your level of depression). Open your McDouble and place the Hot N Spicy in between the two pieces of meat. Consume. (This one is actually much more popular than I previously imagined.)

(also known as the "McIhatemyself")

The Lonely Man Sandwich (Subway)

Order a meatball sub on any bread except for the wheat or honey (we don't have time to worry about the whole health safety b.s. - the whiter the bread, the sooner you're dead). Ask for the least meatball-appropriate cheese the local chain offers (American or pepperjack are a personal favorite). Would you like any dressing on that? Absolutely! Ranch is a novice choice; I'd ask for mayo. Mayonnaise is definitely the most depressing condiment (mayo + anything = sadness). And for those of you who prefer Miracle Whip, you're not fooling anybody. The same thing applies to it. Vegetables? Optional. But I would definitely ask for jalapeños.

(a meatball salad? and I didn't think meatballs could get any sadder)

Yes, those are all very lonely meals. They're also all very tasty (except for The Lonely Man. even though some days it sounds really good, it's never a good idea. still, probably a better idea than a meatball salad).

I enjoy writing. I want to write novels and screenplays. At any given point, I have about three or four ideas clanging around my skull. The hard part is getting those ideas out my head and onto paper. So, what then, do I do with my life? Do I live keeping these ideas to myself? Or do I try to force them out of my head? It's not like I have anything to lose. If I win, I win. If I lose, I lose. I've failed so many times at a number of things, what's one more thing? The truth is, as accustomed as I've become to failing, I've come to accept it as an inevitability. Anybody who has ever failed still fears failure. And that's no way to live.

(also very 'Merican)

A common analogy for feeling stranded is that of the treadmill, where you're running, but you're not going anywhere. I can certainly relate to that, but I've already turned my treadmill way down and I'm strolling through life in the same spot I was three years ago. It may seem hyperbolic, but I'm going to go with the less subtle analogy of the deserted island. And not some tropical paradise like Blue Lagoon (although there is much less incest). I feel like I'm lost on that damn Lost island where nothing makes any sense. What the crap was that? Were there dinosaurs on that island? Maybe I'm getting confused with Terra Nova. I admit I didn't really watch either of those shows.

I want to write, dammit, and I shall. The way I see it, writing is my way off the island. And if nobody finds my message in a bottle, at least I enjoyed writing it.

Kill the Batman

Batman was created in 1939 by artist Bob Kane and writer Bill Finger. After witnessing the murder of his parents as a boy, he was raised by their loyal English butler, Alfred, and later dedicated his life to protecting the city of Gotham, leaning on his father's company and inherited money to disguise himself as a playboy billionaire. So what makes Batman any better or more identifiable than Superman? Because underneath his costume, he's a normal guy who wants to do good. Superman is an alien who draws power from the sun.

And since then, there have been many depictions of him; Adam West (the earliest and second campiest thereof), Michael Keaton (in a surprisingly good performance), Val Kilmer (meh. I preferred him as Madmartigan), George Clooney (the campiest version thereof), and, most recently (and most accurately), Christian Bale. Yes, Christian Bale's performance in Christopher Nolan's Batman series has been widely acclaimed by critic and audience alike. And with the last movie in Nolan's series, The Dark Knight Rises, coming out so soon, there's only one logical direction to take.

Work on another reboot. Now.

Wait...

That's right, folks, they're already working on another Batman series. And Nolan is attached as a producer. Why? Because he can, mofos!

Honestly, I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, they're already releasing another Spider-Man (following the tragedy that was Sam Raimi's Spider-Man 3. that was harder to follow than watching Memento halfway through and the casting of Topher Grace as Eddy Brock/Venom was a poor decision. but I digress). But who will direct such a daunting film?

Hell, I'll do it.

(because I can, mofos!)

So, I guess all that's left is casting (as seems to be the case, story is secondary). I'm not going to worry about Alfred (honestly, any elderly English actor should do) or Robin (he won't be introduced until at least the second movie), and I don't care who plays Batman. There must be plenty of willing and capable actors to play Bruce Wayne. I'm just gonna make a list of actors who shouldn't play Batman, and I'll let my producers do the rest (you listening, Mr. Nolan?)

- Shia LaBeouf

Now that we have that out of the way, who should the villain be? All of the good villains have been done before (some of them multiple times). For this, we're going to have to dig deeper into the Batman vaults. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the lesser villains;

1) The Mad Hatter

the villain: Jervis Tetch became fascinated as a child by Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland, in particular the character of the Mad Hatter. In turn, he became obsessed with hats of all shapes and sizes, which he has incorporated in all sorts of brain-washing schemes for some reason. Like I said, these are the lesser villains.

the gritty reboot: I dunno, besides sounding rather idiotic, he already sounds a little deranged. I would have the Hatter make special hat torture devices, kind of like Saw for that hat lover. And he could adbuct people fitting the description of characters in Alice in Wonderland and Alice Through the Looking Glass and force them to reenact scenes from each book.

possible portrayals: Paul Giamatti would be perfect for this role. He's an incredibly talented actor, and I think he could bring a little demented childishness to a deluded psychopath.

(imagine this in a comically over-sized top-hat)

2) Egghead

the villain: A character with an egg obsession (which is even lamer than a hat obsession) created specifically for the live-action '60s series starring Adam West.

the gritty reboot: As a boy, Matthias O'Reilly lived on a chicken farm, raised by an abusive father and a neglectful mother. He wished to be a scientist, but his father wished him to run the struggling family business, and would punish and beat him for any science-related material, dismissing it as "the devil's playthings." He would soon begin conducting experiments, mutilating the animals on his property. He would later smother his father (who had passed out in a drunken rage) and shoot his mother (which he would blame on his father). Matthias was now free to conduct his experiments, where he would sell poisoned eggs to local bakers and grocers, changing name and location as needed. Sort of like the Unabomber with eggs.

possible portrayals: Vincent Price, the original Egghead, had a truly iconic voice. I would cast someone with an equally iconic voice and an unsettling presence; Christopher Walken. He's already appeared in one Batman movie.

(imagine this with a shaved head)

3) Scarface

the villain: Arnold Wesker, a quiet, meek ventriloquist, performs his crimes through a dummy named Scarface, modeled and named after Al Capone.

the gritty reboot: Arnold Wesker, an aging ventriloquist, has come to the realization that he is practicing a dying art form. He is heckled by audiences and overlooked by talent scouts, driving him into a state of manic depression. Before long, he develops schizophrenia, and starts hearing a voice in his head. He realizes the voice to be that of Scarface, a Prohibition-era gangster dummy that he had retired after he was told his jokes were "too dated." Scarface demands respect, and demands that Arnold get it by any means necessary, driving him to commit terrible crimes.

possible actor portrayals: Let it be known we don't need any actual ventriloquists. So not Jeff Dunham. I think Rick Moranis would be an excellent Arnold, and Joe Pesci could provide the voice of Scarface.

(imagine this with the guy from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and Little Shop of Horrors)

4) The Joker

the villain: Batman's arch-nemesis, the mysterious clown criminal. I know it's been done before, but it seems wrong to make a Batman series without a Joker.

the gritty reboot: Look, no reboot is going to get any grittier than his depiction in The Dark Knight. But it could get creepier. And how's that? Imagine Daffy Duck meets Jigsaw (I realize that's my second Saw reference, but hear me out). Think about the real-life effect of cartoon violence; getting an anvil dropped on you, getting your head smashed by a giant gavel, explosive cigars. The things children can get a laugh out of on television could easily result in death. Now that's creepy.

possible actor portrayals: Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger both did a great job portraying the Joker in the past (in fact, the latter won a posthumous Academy Award for his brilliant characterization). But I enjoy childish humor that Cesar Romero put into it. Why not cast another Spanish-speaking actor; Javier Bardem? He's already proved himself believably creepy in No Country for Old Men. Just imagine Anton Chigurh with a lethal voltage joy buzzer and a seltzer bottle full of nitroglycerin.

(yeah. now imagine this with green hair and white face paint)

Race to the Finish

There is a term that is used far too much today. It's a trigger word of sorts, that can bring people to their knees and potentially end careers.

"Racist."

(this seems to be everybody's favorite comparison, and as exaggerated as it might be... you gotta admit the similarities)

Racism is no good thing, but I believe it thrown around far too liberally. And really, why not? Everyone's a little bit racist. Allow me to ellaborate. There are three basic kinds of racism;

1) Racism by Incident; the kind of racism that comes through experience, good or bad. Example; working at Subway, I've served a few Canadians. They've all been incredibly nice, going so far as to argue about who was going to pay for who's sandwich. However, I've also served a number of Asian people (I assume tourists, but hell, that assumption itself could be considered racist). And I've noticed that whenever Asians come in, there is some sort of hushed debate as to who is going to serve them. I've also noticed it usually ends up being me. To generalize in the kindest terms, they've seemed like pretty nice people; however, they have also been incredibly hard to understand. As such, I don't like taking their orders. Of course, this racism isn't limited strictly to making people's sandwiches, it's simply the freshest in recent memory.

2) Racism by Surroundings; the kind of racism that comes from community. Look, I know this to be true - you tend to be more comfortable around what you've grown up with. We this "the bubble." Traveling to other communities and societies can expand your bubble, but you've got to be willing to adjust and adapt. Growing up in Utah, that means Mormons, Republicans, and a whole lot of white people. It's sad for me to admit my discomfort around black people. It's not a dislike or distaste, it's just not something I'm used to. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around them, because of a crippling fear of offending them (this is called "white guilt," most commonly associated with the Democratic Party). However, after spending two years in Brazil (where diversity is more subtly accepted rather than bluntly acknowledged), I became close with a man who is dark as night (so dark, in fact, that when we experienced a blackout, I couldn't see him until I saw the white teeth in his smile - it was like the Cheshire Cat). To this day, I consider him a brother. Ironically, a two-year LDS mission made me less comfortable around Mormons and Republicans.

3) Misinformed Racism; the kind of racism that comes from idiocy. I can't rationalize this one. I can't tell you why the Ku Klux Klan hates anybody who isn't a straight, white Protestant. I can't tell you why the Black Panthers hate white people (although I think it has something to do with the Ku Klux Klan). And I can't tell you why it's socially acceptable for latinos to use the word "nigger" as freely as African-Americans. All I can say is they must be getting their information out of their ass instead of their head, because if you think long enough about it, there is no superior race.

That is to say, there is no superior race, but there are races. In America, it's like we're trying to get rid of our differences rather than embrace them. I don't understand why America is so taboo about race. Here in America, we talk about diversity while trying to eliminate them. I don't think we should judge people based on gender, ethnicity, sexual preference, etc., but I think we should celebrate differences instead of try to obliterate them. I'm a white guy. I have things pretty easy, all things considered. Face it; white people have had it pretty good for the past thousands of years. And I'm totally glad I'm not a chick - menstruation sounds awful, I would never want to go through the experience of childbirth, and I'm glad I don't have to look at naked guys, although I could also chalk that up to me being straight. Not that I have anything against gay people, I'm just saying I think I'd be lesbian if I were a girl, based on the fact that I'm confident I'd be a pretty "butch" chick, and I find penises (or is it peni?) repulsive.

And what about jokes? Can't we find humor in our humanity, or is that unacceptable? I always thought of humor as an antidote (or is that anecdote?) to tension. Most people I know laugh at racist jokes, but most people I know are not actually racists. That includes me (although I've never laughed at a Polack joke. it's not that I'm above that, I've just never known any Polish people as a basis of comparison). I understand that not all stereotypes are accurate, but not all of them are bad, either. Irish and Mexican stereotypes actually share a lot in common; they're both strongly Catholic, they both come from working-class backgrounds, and both have holidays that are celebrated in the U.S. Yet I will never celebrate St. Patrick's Day with the gusto that I celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Is that because I hate the Irish? (Yes! I mean no!) I haven't liked St. Patrick's Day since I was a child. I never understood why I had to wear green and why I'd get pinched if I didn't. And to this day, I have no clue as to what the celebration is actually about! It's actually a religious holiday in Ireland, but here we seem to celebrate it because St. Patrick vanquished all the snakes from Ireland (which is much easier than it sounds). But with Cinco de Mayo, they're celebrating a military victory over Napolean's France (not the true "Mexican Independence Day" as most Americans believe). I can get behind a celebration like that! The mestizos in Mexico rose up against the French occupation. Who doesn't love a good underdog story? Besides, I like tacos and tamales more than corned beef and cabbage.

So why should we be color blind? Here's a hypothetical situation; You own a convenience store. You were robbed. You have to file a police report. You have two options;

Dark male, possibly Indian (don't want anybody feeling left out!), around 20 years old.

(and yes, I said Indian to because they stereotypically run convenience stores, rendering it ironic. who else would you assume to rob the store? a Polack? racist.)

or

Human being, gender unspecified, age undetermined, race not important.

(artist's rendering)

Those are both accurate, but you'll get better results using descriptions.

Here's one final test on racial profiling for you. Who is known for fearing cops and loving fried chicken and watermelon? Give up? I was actually talking about myself. I have a pretty clean record, but policemen make me uncomfortable as hell, and I love me some fried chicken and watermelon. I could eat fried chicken weekly if I wasn't sure I'd give myself colon cancer. And you probably thought I was talking about Polacks. Racist.

Canned Candidates

Election Day 2012 is fast-approaching. It's looking like a campaign between Obama and Romney, and I am not at all pleased. Obama has proven himself to be another George W. Bush (insomuch as spending is concerned), and Romney has further spiraled into Tea Party catering. No, I don't like this Obama/Romney race at all. It's akin to choosing between AIDS and cancer, and if I can choose neither, that's precisely what I'll do. Looks like I will be headed to Canada...

Jon Huntsman has recently voiced disapproval of the GOP and has called for a third party movement. I would gladly vote for Huntsman or my man Ron Paul, but I don't know if that would do much good. When the campaigning began, I kept hearing how much people liked Paul, but how he could never be president. "Pshaw," I thought. "Of course he can win. All people have to do is vote for him." But as time went on (and as the media ignored him), it broke my heart to discover that he won't ever win.

I suppose the amusing part in this tragedy is that all the Obama supporters I've heard seem to believe that Romney will win; all the Romney supporters seem convinced that Obama will get a second term. I'm curious to see how that will pan out in the elections (from afar, of course. Canada is calling my name; "Brent, eh? Brent, eh?").

(pictured; the call of Canada)

Of course, here in Utah, Romney is celebrated as sort of a third prophet (right behind Thomas S. Monson and Glenn Beck), so I've become accustomed to hearing the same old "we con't need a politician, we need a businessman" and "you have to play to the extremes during primaries" horse crap. Look, anybody who gets involved in politics is a politician, and Romney has been a politician for twenty years - so your point is moot. I really must learnt to tune out the Utahan logic.

Since Ron Paul isn't going to win and since Jon Huntsman won't be accepting a third party nomination, here's a list of three people I'd be willing to vote for this November;

1) For anyone who knows of my platonic man-crush on the San Francisco Giants' relief pitcher Brian Wilson, this shouldn't be very surprising; I've already said I'd vote for him before. I don't know his political views, but he'd probably be a better option than either of the clowns we'll be stuck with come 2012. My first pick for President, Brian Wilson #38!

(also pictured; Vice President Buster Posey)

2) How does one compete with an eloquent, well-dressed black guy for president? By running him against an even more interesting black guy. And I ain't talking about Herman Cain, I'm talking about the fashionable gloves-wearing karate expert, "The Rent is Too Damn High" innovator, Mr. James "Jimmy" McMillan III!

(hilarity - and fiscal responsibility - ensues)

3) Two words: Hans Landa. Why? 'Cause he's bad ass. Never mind that he's foreign (and a fictional Nazi). Christoph Waltz made him the best absolute best part of Inglourious Basterds.

(charming sex appeal with a gun. need I say more?)

Three of the five people I'd vote for. And they probably have as much a chance to win as the other two. And that's why I'll be headed to Canada. Until next time, hosers.

My Yearbook Makes an Excellent Coaster

"The whole damn world is just obsessed

With who's the best dressed and who's having sex...

Nothing changes but the faces, the names, and the trends

High school never ends."

("High School Never Ends," by Bowling For Soup)

I like that song. I'm not really familiar with the band, but they have a fantastic name. But I'm not going to talk about Bowling For Soup today. I'm going to talk about  America's fabulous K-12 education system. And why? Maybe I'm feeling nostalgic. Maybe I'm legitimately interested in what has become of my graduating class. But more likely, I'm just a bitter old geek with a chip on my shoulder.

But before I start railing against the system that gave me such a fine education (an education I put into practice each day... at Subway), here are a few quotes from some equally callous people;

"If there is a hell, it is modeled after Jr. High." - Lewis Black

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." - Kurt Vonnegut

"High school sucked. It was a universal truth, and whoever said these were supposed to be the best years of your life was probably drunk or delusional." - Kami Garcia

"Drop out of school before your mind rots from exposure to our mediocre educational system. Forget about the Senior Prom and go to the library and educate yourself if you've got any guts. Some of you like Pep rallies and plastic robots who tell you what to read." - Frank Zappa

I know that some of these seem a bit harsh, but they're all true. And if you want to question the validity of any of those statements, just look at the careers each of them made for themselves; Lewis Black is a popular comedian, Kurt Vonnegut was an influential satirical author, Kami Garcia is a New York Times bestselling author, and Frank Zappa made a heck of a career of making some very interesting music.

My first issue is with the teachers. Not that they are bad, but that they are too good to not be paid better. Kobe Bryant is undeniably a great basketball player, but is he really worth $28 million? Meanwhile, techers make an average $40 thousand. For educating and essentially babysitting your bratty kids. And how do teachers deal with this? Some start drinking. Others simply stop caring. The fact that any of these people can continuing caring after a prolonged exposure to this sort of treatment is inspirational. But if some teachers stop caring, the same thing happens to NBA players - because they think they're not getting enough. Let's review; teachers are paid mediocre salaries, ergo giving lackluster performances. Professional athletes get incredible salaries, and become entitled little brats.

(pictured; an entitled little brat)

My second issue is with the quality of education itself. We spend a trillion dollars on a, frankly, great military force, but we spend nearly half that on second-rate education? I mostly blame the parents on this one. Is there really an issue of what should be put taught in school? Are we honestly arguing sex education and evolution? If you don't want them to be taught those things, show a little parenting and teach them yourselves - at home. You're just screwing things up for the rest of our children. Hilarity ensues.

(okay, so maybe it's more tragic than hilarious...)

My last issue is with the kids. That's not something we can really control, but we can contribute. Whenever I turn on the TV, I see another high school melodrama. The topics range from realistic (teen pregnancy, bullying, etc.) to precautionary (student-teacher sexual relationships, violence, drunk driving, all that crap), to ridiculous (Mr. Belding coercing Zack Morris to go on a date with his niece). I see that kind of crap, but I don't really see the draw of it. Who the hell cares if Jenny is carrying the star quarterback's baby or the shop teacher's? High school was never that dramatic for me. Then again, I was hardly a typical teenager; I didn't go to any activities and I've never liked driving. But it is what you make of it. If you're going to spend summer vacation making the transition from preppy to punk (why the hell these labels matter, I'll never know) so that people will like you, go ahead. But I don't like you, and you're never gonna get everybody to like you, and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can act more like a real human being, and less like a teenager. By the way, my experience at Subway has been way more dramatic than high school ever was.

(Subway - coming soon to the FOX)

Oh, you can doll it up and play it off as cute and cheery, Disney, but you're only fooling yourselves (and a number of poor, misguided children). Give me the budget and the means, and I'll make a real High School Musical. But there's going to be more teenage promiscuity and illegal substances and far less music. Come on, East High. Your star basketball player is a rich white kid... Actually, that sounds pretty familiar. I think the only people on my high school basketball team were rich, white guys. Even so, I can tell you there was much less singing, except for amongst the "theater queers" and "choir fags" where they belonged - and would never be heard.

Whenever people ask me if I plan on attending my ten-, twenty-, or beyond-year high school reunion, my answer is always the same; I stare at them blankly for a while (just long enough for it to get awkward) and walk past them without saying anything, crop dusting them as walk by them. I highly doubt I'll go to any reunion, because high school never ends.

I'm With Stupid

Let me first just say, I am pro-free speech, anti-censorship. I don't approve of what everyone says, but there's this wonderful quote I found by Neal Boortz that defines it nicely; "Free speech is meant to protect unpopular speech. Popular speech, by definition, needs no protection." That being said, there are some things  people say that really get on my nerves. It's like those trolls on the internet; there's no way to constitutionally regulate them, but they really make going to Youtube less fun. So please, accept this not as a call to action, to end needlessly stupid comments.

1) "It's okay, my (blank) is (blank)."

Somebody finishes telling a retard joke. As the laughter stops, someone comments on how bad that joke was. Then, the joker says, "It's okay, my brother is handicapped." So that makes it all better, does it? Riiiiiight. Boy, is that some flawed logic. Shouldn't that, if anything, make things worse? You're using your relationship with somebody as a crutch for making hurtful comments. When I say something stupid or mean, I just let people know I'm a crappy person. Who's really going to debate that? It's the same thing when white people use the n-word. "What's up, nigga?" "Dude, you're white." I often hear people (mostly white) complain about how it's unfair that only black people can say "nigga." Look buddy, white people have had it pretty easy. I tell you what, once white people have been enslaved for two hundred years, we can use the n-word. But just so you know, there is no difference between "nigga" and "nigger." It's the same word. Sorry, cracker. And just for the record, my brother calls me "niglet" as a term of endearment.

(I only assume this is how my brother sees me)

2) "It says in the Bible..."

Regardless of your theological views, this is the worst debate method you can use (except maybe spouting off what you heard on TV). This argument is mostly used against homosexuality. Now, I've read the Bible, and it says a whole lot of crazy things (particularly in the Old Testament). We don't stone people to death for sinning anymore (well, at least not in America - U.S.A.! U.S.A.!), so I don't think we should cast stones over things that don't apply to us personally. Raise your children the way you see fit and don't expect the world to agree with you. Don't judge people because they sin differently than you do.

3) "That's what she said/...in bed."

I want to like The Office. Many of my friends and family really like it. Dwight Schrute and Michael Scott have almost become household names. I've seen it. And it's pretty funny. But they started something that I just cannot forgive... "That's what she said." Yes, these four words can make any comment vaguely sexual. I've heard it a hundred times before. And every one of those times, it got laughter. But I'd warrant only about three of those times were actually funny. It's like back when Chappelle's Show was still on. Dave Chappelle is a funny guy. He's really funny as Lil Jon. I haven't heard an equal. Ever. That means you, whoever I heard repeat "WHAAAT?" and "YEEEEAHH!" No wonder Dave Chappelle quit his show. I'd get pissed seeing a bunch of 13-year-olds steal my material, too.

And let's not forget the long-standing tradition of cracking open your fortune cookies after a nice Chinese meal... in bed. I have been a guilty proprietor of this. Sometimes it's funny, but I'd give it the same 3-out-of-100 odds I gave "That's what she said." A couple of the funniest fortunes I ever heard could never be enhanced "in bed." They were a direct result of some very poor Engrish. The first one was received by a friend of mine; "Have patience. The Great Wall didn't got build in one day." See? It's a result of poor conjugation. "In bed" would have actually made it less funny. The next one was one I got myself; "You are smart, for you do things smartly." The redundancy (and I suppose the fallacy) is what makes it funny. I'm proud of it. I put it on my journal.

4) "Excuse you."

You go to the movies. You purchase your ticket, your popcorn, and your beverage. You take your seat. You're waiting for your movie to start when a behemoth of a man, roughly the size and weight of a cement truck, tries to waddle in past you. You stand up and make as much room as you can, but for a man of his size, you would have to move the entire row back just to properly accommodate him. As he squishes his sweaty flab past you, you finally settle back into your seat when you hear the lady next to you say "Excuse you!" Some of you may sympathize with the lady. I mean, she just got a whiff of Rikishi's swass.

(pictured; Rikishi's swass)

But at this point, I'm actually more angry with the lady. Yes, he's large. You think he doesn't know this? It was very nice of you to call attention to his weight problem. But there's a whole world filled with these self-righteous idiots. Let's say, for example, you have to fart. It's to the point where holding it in is actually causing you mental and physical pain. But you're in the grocery store and the restroom is clear on the other side of the store. So, as you walk past Mr. Here-to-Buy-Food-for-My-Cats, you let one sneak out. He can smell it. Now, he can either a) let it be and get on with his life or b) call you out on it in public. He opts for the latter. Obviously, farting in public isn't very classy. But making everyone aware of it is somewhat less classy. It's not a matter of manners; it's a matter of class. By the way, this is why I always fart when I have to.

(most fat people already have to deal with enough embarrassment)

Movie Death

I love movies. If I found out I had a day to live, I'd spend it watching movies. The next 24 hours would be spent in front of the television eating junk food. I have essentially planned out my last 24 hours. I would get a hotel room in Logan with a DVD player and enjoy my slow death.

8:00-8:30 a.m. - breakfast at Rancherito's (bacon breakfast burrito with guacamole and a horchata)

8:45-10:15 a.m. - Sharktopus

10:20 a.m.-12:20 p.m. - The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou 

12:30-12:40 p.m. - order take-out at Indian Oven (lamb curry, naan, mango chutney, and mango lassi)

12:50-2:20 p.m. - John Carpenter's The Thing

2:25-3:55 p.m. - Mallrats

4:00-6:00 p.m. - Star Wars IV: A New Hope

6:05-6:10 p.m. - dinner at Texas Roadhouse (just about anything, really. Texas Roadhouse is fantastic)

6:15-8:15 p.m. - Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back

8:20-10:30 p.m. - Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi

10:35 p.m.-1:35 a.m. - There Will Be Blood

1:40 a.m. - fall asleep and wake up dead. Good day.

The point is (and I swear there is one), I love movies. After all that, I'd probably die of an aneurysm. Oh death, you are a crafty one!

Yes, I love movies. And I would like to keep loving them. But it seems that although the technology to make them is getting better, movies are just getting worse (I seem to have touched on this subject before...). Nothing is original anymore. The only movies you can count on anymore are the bad ones, which I suppose is why I developed a taste for them. In fact, it has become something of a defense mechanism of mine to go into the theater expecting the worst. It makes good movies better and bad movies tolerable. I had to evolve to fit my theatrical surroundings, because I will rarely say no to go see a movie, which had become a hassle since paying to see crap like The International and New Moon (actually, my parents payed for the latter, but like I say, I rarely say no to movies. thankfully, I did reject the invitation to see Eclipse in theaters... only to watch it later on DVD. damn).

Sometimes I think I could do better. The only way to get things done is to do it yourself. Other people can do it, why shouldn't I? Stephen Spielberg is a self-starter. Of course he's turned into a bit of a douche, but he's rich - he can afford to be a douche.

I've entertained the idea of writing my own stuff, but I haven't developed the balls to take that step out of the door into the lone and dreary world. But maybe it's time to get started. After all, what good is it to come to these epiphanies without follow-through?

And just in case you hear about the death of a 20-something male, locked in a hotel bathroom surrounded by burger wrappers, empty Coke cans, and Screenwriting for Dummies, at least you can't say I didn't try.

FADE OUT.

THE END