In 1991, Dan Gookin wrote an instructional book called DOS for Dummies, and ever since, many other titles added to the For Dummies catalog, ranging from crosswords to chess to Norwegian cuisine (that last one may not exist, but it probably will someday. There's gotta be some idiot who wants to learn how to make lutefisk). I myself have one about screenwriting that I have yet to read. Of course, by "dummies," they mean the general American public. But somehow, Obscure French Films for the General American Public just doesn't have the same ring to it. Each book features a triangular-headed little dummy that looks like this:
But that doesn't seem like a very accurate picture of the typical American, now does it? I believe these guys better represent Americans:
(they do wobble, but they don't fall down)
As many of these that have been supposedly written for stupid people, I find it hard to believe no one's wrote one on intelligence, or at least feigning intelligence. If there's one thing I know, it's how feign intelligence. The following is a guide for you, my fellow Americans.
First things first. If you want to seem smart, there are a couple of things you must not do to appear less stupid. You must;
a) avoid wearing anything with the Hatchet Man or anything associated with Psychopathic Records on it. With all due respect to juggalos (and I say this from the outside looking in, so maybe I just don't get it), if you really want to look smarter, please avoid this. It just comes across as tacky. It's like wearing a pot leaf symbol to a job interview. If you have any hats or clothing with the Hatchet Man on it, gather them up and burn them immediately. If you have a tattoo, the same rule applies.
b) stop watching Dane Cook. He takes potentially funny material and makes it less funny. Consequently, if you have any potential for intelligence, watching his act will greatly decrease any likelihood of you ever developing any intellect or a winning personality. Then again, if you listen to Dane Cook to begin with, the only thing you probably read anyway is the back of cereal boxes.
Now that we've determined what to avoid doing, here are a few things you can do to fake it when your brainpower just doesn't cut it.
Wordpower
There is no denying the power of words. Anybody can speak, but if you know how to really use words, you will appear much smarter. People often confuse articulation with intelligence. First, engage in a conversation about current events (note; do not talk about the latest Twilight movie). Then, at opportune times, stroke your chin and say "indeed" as though you actually care what the other person is saying. Also, try to use big/complicated words. If you don't know any, here are some of my favorites you can borrow (also note; be sure you are using these words correctly, otherwise you'll just look dumber):
indubitably - undoubtedly; kind of like indeed, but harder to pronounce.
loquacious - talkative. I'm not gonna lie to you, the opportunity to use this one doesn't come up very often.
onomatopoeia - the naming of a thing or action by the vocal imitation of the sound associated with it (think See 'n Say, i.e. "the cow goes 'moo'"). This one comes up even less, and if you can use it without sounding like your trying to come up with an excuse to use it, you deserve a medal.
Multilingualism
As in English, so it is in other languages. If you can speak two or more languages, people seem to think you are incredible. The more languages you speak, the smarter you are (seem). I speak English and Portuguese and a limited amount of Spanish, so I seem smart and a half. But I realize not everyone can speak multiple languages, to I'll give you a few simple words and phrases you can use in your day-to-day lives:
guero (Spanish; pronounced "wear-oh," with the slightest roll off the r; guera feminine) - white or fair-skinned person
l'chaim (Hebrew; pronounced "luh-[loogie-hocking sound]aye-im") - to life!
hajima (Korean; pronounced "haw-jee-maw") - don't do that/knock it off
Kashyyyk (Star Wars Universe; pronounced "ka-sheek;" also known as Wookiee Planet C) - the planet where Wookiees live, but not Chewbacca.
Appearance
For those of you who have been indoctrinated to believe otherwise by shows like Barney & Friends (no wonder we're so stupid), appearance does, in fact, matter. That's the first thing people notice about you, and as such, you will be judged accordingly. If you want to seem smart, you must look it. There are many variants of dressing the part. Facial hair can seem smart when properly groomed (males only). But for those of you like me who cannot grow any credible facial hair, the most important part is... the glasses. People see me and assume I know a thing or two about math and/or science. I don't, but that's not the important thing. The important thing is that people think you know it. That's what this is all about, after all.
If, after all this, you still struggle to make yourself seem smarter, know this; you are not alone. There are alternatives. Find a support group. Hang out with dumber people. Or, you can just learn to accept it and go back to listening to Dane Cook.
Now that we've determined what to avoid doing, here are a few things you can do to fake it when your brainpower just doesn't cut it.
Wordpower
There is no denying the power of words. Anybody can speak, but if you know how to really use words, you will appear much smarter. People often confuse articulation with intelligence. First, engage in a conversation about current events (note; do not talk about the latest Twilight movie). Then, at opportune times, stroke your chin and say "indeed" as though you actually care what the other person is saying. Also, try to use big/complicated words. If you don't know any, here are some of my favorites you can borrow (also note; be sure you are using these words correctly, otherwise you'll just look dumber):
indubitably - undoubtedly; kind of like indeed, but harder to pronounce.
loquacious - talkative. I'm not gonna lie to you, the opportunity to use this one doesn't come up very often.
onomatopoeia - the naming of a thing or action by the vocal imitation of the sound associated with it (think See 'n Say, i.e. "the cow goes 'moo'"). This one comes up even less, and if you can use it without sounding like your trying to come up with an excuse to use it, you deserve a medal.
Multilingualism
As in English, so it is in other languages. If you can speak two or more languages, people seem to think you are incredible. The more languages you speak, the smarter you are (seem). I speak English and Portuguese and a limited amount of Spanish, so I seem smart and a half. But I realize not everyone can speak multiple languages, to I'll give you a few simple words and phrases you can use in your day-to-day lives:
guero (Spanish; pronounced "wear-oh," with the slightest roll off the r; guera feminine) - white or fair-skinned person
l'chaim (Hebrew; pronounced "luh-[loogie-hocking sound]aye-im") - to life!
hajima (Korean; pronounced "haw-jee-maw") - don't do that/knock it off
Kashyyyk (Star Wars Universe; pronounced "ka-sheek;" also known as Wookiee Planet C) - the planet where Wookiees live, but not Chewbacca.
Appearance
For those of you who have been indoctrinated to believe otherwise by shows like Barney & Friends (no wonder we're so stupid), appearance does, in fact, matter. That's the first thing people notice about you, and as such, you will be judged accordingly. If you want to seem smart, you must look it. There are many variants of dressing the part. Facial hair can seem smart when properly groomed (males only). But for those of you like me who cannot grow any credible facial hair, the most important part is... the glasses. People see me and assume I know a thing or two about math and/or science. I don't, but that's not the important thing. The important thing is that people think you know it. That's what this is all about, after all.
If, after all this, you still struggle to make yourself seem smarter, know this; you are not alone. There are alternatives. Find a support group. Hang out with dumber people. Or, you can just learn to accept it and go back to listening to Dane Cook.
One thing you forgot to mention under the "word power" subheading is this: spell check! And also, check your grammar (before you publish a new post on your blog! I found a handful of mistakes, darling).
ReplyDeleteAlso, you ought not have added anything about Star Wars on this, because although many nerds love Star Wars, nobody in the general American Public will think you smarter if you start talking like a wookie. Or, even worse, whatever the aych that Star Trek language is called. (It's been a while since I've watched Big Bang Theory).
Facial hair does not make people look more intelligent. It just makes them look more hairy (men and women alike).
I swear I'm not trying to rebut everything you wrote about! Here's my proof: Dane Cook IS an idiot. Too true.
It's about faking intelligence, dear sister. And I think I generally fake it pretty well.
ReplyDelete