Music That Will Make Your Ears Scream

In my last post, I talked about how music has dropped in quality. Well, at the same time, it has raised in quantity. For every Beatle, we have about twenty Hansons that pop up on the radar just long enough to make ridiculous amounts of money and fade into obscure pop culture references. That's a lot of crappy music to be made. A lot of crappy music. I can say it again, if it will help get the message across. And you know how I can tell when music is going to suck? Aside from sonic qualities, lyrical prowess, and sex appeal, there are two main ways you know a band is going to suck;

1) They are called "the next Beatles." Way to jump the shark, guys. This never works. It didn't work for Oasis, it didn't work for The Arctic Monkeys (who?), and it sure as hell didn't work for The Jonas Brothers. There will never be another Beatles, so stop trying.

2) The band describes themselves s "indie." For those of you not in the know, "indie" refers "independent label," meaning they are currently unsigned to any major record label or they're just on an unknown, unimportant, underground label. Of all the genres you can use to describe what your band plays, you're going with indie? The only people you're going to impress with that are hipsters, and nobody likes a hipster. So you play "indie music," huh? Basically, that tells me you can't think of a better way to describe your boring, whiny, three-cord, pre-teen poetry. I'm going to be listening to Metallica. Or is that too mainstream for you? It is? Good. Stay away from me.

So, we know that there's crappy music. It's just a fact of life. But what music is the worst of it is completely subjective. Most people I've met like "We Didn't Start the Fire," by Billy Joel. I hate it. I heard it every day in my dance class in the sixth grade (or maybe it was my singing class). I hated that class. I hated the sixth grade. And with heavy repetition, even good songs can quickly become bad.

But I can tell you subjectively the worst five songs ever made using objective reasoning. These songs are based on tone, overall message, and the messenger/artist. So, although there may be songs with worse sonic quality (such as Rebecca Black's "Friday" or anything by Ace of Base), these songs are rationally worse.

5) "Baby," by Justin Bieber
I know it seems easy to start the list off with Justin Bieber. And believe me, it is. But just so you don't think I'm big bully, just read a sample of the lyrics; "My first love broke my heart for the first time / and I'm like, 'baby, baby, baby, no!' I thought you'd always be mine." No, Justin Bieber. You aren't in love with this girl. You're only 17. Making you 15 or 16 when you wrote this piece of crap. Plus, you sound like a chick.

4) "God Bless the USA," by Lee Greenwood
I am a patriot. I love America. And Mr. Greenwood's awful voice aside, I even like patriotic songs. But this is like a jingoistic tribute to everything from the grounds we walk on to the sky above us (because, ya know, the sky above our country is way better than the sky over a socialist country like Denmark). And did I mention he made a Canadian version? 'Cause he did. It's like "I'm proud to be Canadian, between shifts of being American." What a tool.

3) "Christmas Shoes," be New Song
I can't say it any better than Patton Oswalt, so let me paraphrase. "There's a guy in line. He's a little cranky on Christmas. God looks down and sees this. 'Somebody in a bad mood on my son's birthday? Give that kid's mom cancer, make sure he's in front of him in line, make him seven cents short for the shoes, this guy will by them, then he'll be in a good mood.'" Can't argue that logic.

2) "Jesus, Take the Wheel," by Carrie Underwood
Basically, this song is about giving up. Yeah, I get it. You've had it hard. You know who else has? Everyone. There are kids starving in Africa. God helps those who help themselves. So get up and do things for yourself. And while you're at it, why not make a small donation to feed those starving children in Ethiopia? Brownie points.

1) "Miracles," by Insane Clown Posse
A horrorcore rap group that sings about stabbing people in the butt and sprays the audience with an off-brand soft drink. They might be hilarious, if their fans, affectionately called "juggalos" (a portmanteau of "gigolo" and "juggler," because clowns sometimes juggle, get it? Get it?...) didn't take themselves so seriously. So after all the juggling and butt-stabbing, they clearly made the logical decision and wrote "Miracles," which is either the most elaborate parody song ever or the most idiotic song about God ever (spoiler alert; it's the latter). I'm a spiritual guy, but this is four and a half minutes dedicated to not knowing how things work. Apparently, their way of inciting intelligent debate is accusing scientists of lying.