Saturday, August 27, 2011

Movies are Way Better Than Real Life

Everybody loves movies. Kids love movies. Adults love movies. Geriatric old folks like Matlock (and, I suppose, movies). Nothing closes the gap between generations like movies, I would argue even moreso than music, simply because music is devolving. I'm not going to argue this, just accept it. We've gone from The Beatles to The Jonas Brothers. With a few exceptions, modern rock music has become a joke set on repeat, diminishing in quality with every new band. But movies have already hit their highs and their lows. You'll find as many great movies from each generation as stinkers (which I've already admitted I love).

So I find it incredibly annoying when I'll occasionally hear about how "impossible" movies are. Of course they're not realistic; they're movies. So, you're telling me that if I spill an energy drink on a hot tub, it won't take me back in time? That's exactly what I'm telling you. Nor do I believe a robot will be sent back in time to assassinate the mother of a revolutionary who leads the crusade against the machine uprising. But this doesn't make necessarily make them worse than real life. In fact, I would argue that it makes them much better. Here are just a few reasons why;

1) Are you stupid? Don't worry, that comes across as humorous on the big screen.

2) Are you fat? Don't worry, you're probably the best friend. Plus, you're hilarious.

3) Do you have some disfigurement or some kind of debilitating disease? Don't worry, you'll overcome those adversities and somehow manage to become the most popular guy in town...

4) ...unless this is a horror flick, in which case you're probably the killer. But don't worry, I don't blame you. Society has put you in a fragile spot, and you're just reacting like any normal, depraved murderer.

5) Are you in love with an impossibly attractive guy/girl? Don't worry, you'll probably end up with them. And if not with them, then with somebody else of equal attractiveness.

6) Are you gay? Don't worry, even if you're not accepted, you're hilarious (but be careful around the fat guy, you'll be competing with him for the laughs).

7) Do you ever get sick of the monotony of your hum-drum, boring, everyday life? Don't worry, you'll probably have to foil a terrorist plot or fight ninjas or robots or aliens or something.

8) All your conflicts are resolved in an average of 2 hours (unless there's a sequel).

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