This Week Bites

So, first off, a true story. This past week we celebrated my niece's second brithday. My whole family was over for the weekend (apparently, turning 2 is a pretty big deal). As we were left my parents' house for the party, my brother left with his kids with me trailing behind. My nephew obviously didn't know it was me following them, as he pointed out to his father "That white boy is trying to catch us."

So there you have it. Even to my own family, I'm "that white boy." I heard it a lot in Brazil, but I've been called "white boy" since high school - ever since other white people started calling me that. It's often prefaced by a descriptive term, usually something like large or awkward. But never great. And why shouldn't I be "great white"?

Probably 'cause I'm not an awesome shark.

(not pictured; me)

It's shark week, everybody! One of my favorite times of the year! And why is that?

Did you not hear the title? Shark week! We can break it down, if you still don't understand. Shark, being a big, carnivorous fish, and week, being a period of seven days. Seven days of big, carnivorous fish! If watching large, aquatic predators kill and eat seals and other small creatures isn't enough to hook any man, I don't know what is. But okay, we'll pretend that's not enough. Here are are a couple of fun, family-friendly activities to help you get the most out of your week.

I know what you're thinking; well, I've already got my butt-groove warmed up on the couch and my stockpile of meatball subs in the fridge, but what am I supposed to do in the wee hours of the morning when I can't find any shark-themed shows? Honestly, the only good shark movie out there is Jaws. But that shouldn't stop you from watching that crap Syfy puts out. They're all pretty bad, but if you want epic bad, I suggest Sharktopus. Its bad-ness goes beyond just the shark-vs.-man genre, but it's a good place to start. To give you an impression of how bad it is, its biggest stars are Hector Jimenez (most famous for his portrayal as Esqueleto in Nacho Libre) and Eric Roberts (most famous for being Julia Roberts' brother). The plot is pretty self-explanatory; a half-shark, half-octopus (genetically engineered by the U.S. Navy for combat by the morally bankrupt Eric Roberts, just in case you were wondering) goes on a rampage off (and on) the coast of Santa Monica, California. Apparently, the sharktopus can use its tentacles to walk on land, 'cause, you know, that just makes sense. Oh, and it can impale you with its tentacles, too.

(nah, dude, it's completely different from Jaws... except for the poster... and the plot, kinda)

Now you're probably thinking my meatball subs are all gone. What shark-themed foods can I make for me and my family (and by family I mean cat)? That is a swell question. I wouldn't recommend going out and buying shark meat, because I don't know what it tastes like, and shark fin soup is rather costly, assuming you can find it. How about some shark-shaped kid's meals? I think you can find fish sticks or chicken nuggets. And if not that, be creative. Make a sandwich and try cutting it into a shark shape yourself (or get your mother's assistance).

There are a number of other things you can do, assuming the resources are available to you. You can visit the aquarium You can visit the beach (although, after Sharktopus, you're probably not going to want to go the beach). But, chances are, if you're like me, you'll spend much of shark week watching sharks on TV... where they belong.