Over the past couple of years, I've come up with some pretty damn good ideas, including, but no limited to; giving China the Dakotas (yes, both North and South) to pay off our massive debt China, and using Mt. Rushmore as our U.S. Embassy, taking Puerto Rico and Mexico as our 49th and 50th states (after ceding the Dakotas to China), making an UFC/MMA style pay-per-view pitting Bill O'Reilly against Bill Maher, Rush Limbaugh against Michael Moore, and Anne Coulter against Arianna Huffington with all proceeds going towards fixing the economy (most of these people would love to fight each other anyway, and now they have a fair and legal ground to do so. hilarity ensues), and making a training video acted out by bikini models and narrated by John Madden (or Frank Caliendo as John Madden if John Madden isn't available).
But I think there is one good idea that may just be a great idea; historically-themed cocktails, with the ultimate goal being educating our college students. The way I see it, our education system is a little disappointing. We're not even in the top 30 in many lists. So, as long as we have college student with names like "Chet" and "Chaz" who go to college to waste time and get shitfaced, why not try to trick them into getting an education while they're at it?
(in this picture; Chet, Chaz, Chuy, and Cholo. not pictured; a decent education)
I kicked this idea around with my high school world history teacher, the white Samuel L. Jackson doppleganger, Stan Andrus. Here are some of the better cocktail ideas we came up with;
Pearl Harbor - a piña colada chased by a Sake.
East Berlin - Jager and vodka. It would be drunk as a penalty for getting a question wrong.
World War I - an alcoholic suicide cocktail with alcohol from every nation involved (WWI has been called "the Suicide Attempt of the West"). It would come with a miniature Pickelhaube instead of an umbrella.
Vietnam War - flaming Mai Tai.
Unification of Italy - red wine, limoncello, and Bellini mixer.
The French Revolution - changes every time you make it.
The American Revolution (1770-1778) - English tea spiked with illegal untaxed rum.
The American Revolution (1778-1783) - hard cider with a shot of French wine.
The Great Depression - just water.
I know this raises the question of how college freshman, fresh out of high school, could legally play these drinking games? Let me answer that question with another question; as long as they're getting a decent college education, who cares? Unless you want Chuy to end up serving you burgers for the rest of his life.
(Chuy, age 39)
Next time, I'll tell you how we can teach our students math by gambling!
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