Advent of Angst #3: Coming This Christmas...

It's a Wonderful Life. Miracle on 34th Street. White Christmas. These are just a few some of the classic Christmas movies that we have made throughout the years, and the list goes on. A Christmas Story pretty much plays on a loop on TBS. The Grinch That Stole Christmas and A Charlie Brown Christmas are both classic TV specials. I love the Muppets, so of course The Muppet Christmas Carol and A Muppet Family

Christm

as are some of my favorites. But for every g

ood Christmas movies, there are about ten lousy ones.

I'll start the list first with Christmas Shoes. I really dig Rob Lowe, but I hold a strong vendetta against anything to do with that awful song. Besides, Mr. Lowe is far too talented to be making made-for-TV movies on CBS.

(really, dude. you played #2 in The Spy Who Shagged Me. don't live that down)

Next, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Two parents (from Mars, mind you), kidnap Jolly Old St. Nick so that the children (of Mars) can enjoy the same fun other (Earth) children do. But some cranky (Martian) guy thinks this is a bad idea, believing that this will corrupt the (Mars) children (freakin' evangelicals, man!), and attempts to kill Santa. I don't want to ruin the movie for you, but let's just say Santa conquers the Martians.

Jingle All the Way. C'mon - it's Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad. What can I possibly say that will make it sound any worse than it already does? I was going to mention that the only plus is that you get to hear Arnie say "rubber baby buggy bumpers," but I can't even say that. That's in Last Action Hero.

("Let off some steam, Bennett.")

Santa With Muscles. Hulk Hogan as a rich, douchey, body-building millionaire (well I can hardly believe that) who, in an attempt to flee cops, dresses as a mall Santa, hits his head, gets amnesia, believes himself to be the real Santa, and somehow ends up saving an orphanage from an evil scientist.

And just when you think the list is over, I recently discovered this gem;

That's right, boys and girls! Santa's Slay, starring yet another bald former professional wrestler, Bill Goldberg! In this craptastic Christmas flick, Santa Claus is the result of a virgin birth produced by Satan (apparently, his surname is "Claus"). Christmas was originally "the day of slaying" until an angel defeated Santa in - get ready for it - a curling match and sentenced him to 1000 years of delivering presents! I haven't seen this movie, but any movie featuring Satan and curling is already a winner in my book! Besides, I watched enough professional wrestling in 1998 to know how this goes. Santa enters the house, starts tackling everybody violently to the ground, throws them around a bit, Gorilla Press Slams them, and then finishes them off with the Jackhammer body slam.

Ya know, based on the track record of quality Christmas movies made, I think I could make one myself. I already have it planned out.

It's based on a dream I had a few years back. You know it's movie-quality because it took form of a movie preview (complete with the green screen "the following preview is approved for appropriate audiences"). To begin with, all the people in the movie were actually muppet-people. It was about some middle-aged guy and an old woman wreaking havoc on Christmas. All I really remember is a lot of explosions and the old lady shooting a guy with a harpoon (!). So I'll have to use my imagination to fill the gaps. Oh, and did I mention it's called Holiday Holocaust?

It takes place in a small, cold town (probably somewhere in Wisconsin or Minnesota), where the townspeople are going gaga over Christmas (think the whos in The Grinch). Everybody is happily taking part in the festivities except for five people. Three of those people are a family of Jehovah's Witnesses, so that doesn't count. The other two are a cranky, conservative, irritable guy and a reclusive, bitter old woman. Coincidentally, they live on the same street and haven't shared much acquaintance with one another, except for their distaste of the Holiday Season. This year, the man (we'll call him "Jeff-Bob") gets a message from the woman (whom we'll call "Beatrice") in the form of a fruitcake. On the underside of the hard, crusty, ancient pseudo-pastry, there is a note detailing plans to destroy Christmas for the community. He calls her and agrees to meet her, and together they hatch plans to blow up Maul-Mart and set the tree at City Hall on fire. Jeff-Bob uses his home-made napalm to set the giant, latex tree ablaze, while Beatrice uses old, German bombs to destroy Maul-Mart.

After their initial success, they plan more destructive activities and share their stories about the hatred of Christmas. Jeff-Bob's father, Zeke, was a mountain man who cut and sold trees for Christmas, but the local hippie community protested, destroying his business. Without his business, Zeke turned to alcohol and lost custody of Jeff-Bob to a liberal couple who lived in a tee-pee and ate organic foods. Jeff-Bob has hated Christmas and hippies ever since. Beatrice says that Christmas has been "hijacked by pagans," and she intended to "put the Christ back in Christmas." However, Beatrice's rage soon turns deadly, as she begins systematically killing those she believes pose the greatest threat to Christmas; the Mayor, who insists on displaying Kwanzaa and Hanukkah decor at City Hall, despite the fact the there is only one Jew and one black person in town, and it is the same person; Ms. Janice, a plump lady who bakes secular pastries and decorates her tree in pink; and Douglas "godboy6613" Howard, a self-made internet millionaire, who posts videos about the occult.

After a heated argument, Beatrice reveals herself to be one of the remaining heirs of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun (the other being Fred Phelps). As it turns out, as WWII came to a close, Hitler and Eva fled to the South American country of Mandoras, where they lived under the name "Pablo and Olga Gomez." They raised Beatriz with a firm belief in a master race, and on her death bed, Eva/Olga made Beatriz promise to "take the holidays back from the Jew."

After this, Jeff-Bob teams with Sheriff Billy Macbeth and Greek imigrant/mall Santa/Elvis impersonator/convicted felon Niko "Bubba" Papadopoulos to take down the evil heir of Hitler. After several more explosions, a number of gun fights, and a car chase later, Jeff-Bob and Beatrice face off on the roof of City Hall. After pummeling Jeff-Bob nearly to death, Jeff reveals the pin from a grenade he planted on Beatrice, and they both blow up. The movie ends with Billy and Bubba traveling to Kansas in a convertible wearing New Year's party hats to take care of Fred Phelps, Hitler's only remaining heir.

The End.

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