Advent of Angst #2: Are You There, Santa?

Awww. Is there anything more sweet and innocent than a child's letter to Santa?

I'm not gonna waste a lot of time on this, so I'll just come out and say it (spoiler alert!); no. Here are some childrent's letters up north (and some down south) that will leave you questioning your faith mankind.

Dear Santa,

Look, I'm not going to lie to you; I haven't been nice at all this year, and I don't intend to be nice this coming year. But year in and year out, you have little boys and girls that b.s. their way out of the "naughty" list. So, listen. I think we both know the right thing to do; get me a present anyway. At least I have the testicular fortitude to confess my vices.

- Scott G.

Tucson, AZ

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year is for mommy to stop hitting daddy. She's an alcoholic and he's wheelchair-bound :(

- Winston U.

Reno, NV

To Mr. Santa J. Claus,

Last year, my client explicitly asked for a Malibu Bratbie doll. She informs me she was very nice in the preceding months, going so far as to acknowledge the existence of her father and being a little less cruel to the minorities at her private school. Yet, you either forgot to leave the doll under the Christmas tree or denied her access to the doll due to some minor misbehavior or otherwise failed to deliver the doll. So we offer you this ultimatum; either leave the aforementioned doll and another gift of her choosing (a Shetland pony), or we will see you in court.

- Hannibal Gumb, attorney at law

representing the case of Ms. Brandi C.

Beverly Hills, CA

Dear Santa,

In this time of giving and joy, I am in far more pleasant conditions than countless others. There are children starving in the streets everyday, so here's my Christmas wish this year; can't you just kill them and end their misery? Shoot them in the head, smother them with a pillow, whatever. Be creative. It's up to you. Ball's in your court, dude.

- Billy B.

La Crosse, WI

Dear Satan,

The last letter you received from me was actually intended for Santa, not you. Sorry about that. I hope we're still cool.

- Brent O.

Brigham City, UT

Dear Satan,

Quit stealing my look. You're cramping my style.

- Stan A.

Salt Lake City, UT

Dear Satan,

Thanks for your help and support, yo. Never say never.

- Justin B.

Los Angeles, CA (by way of Ontario, Canada, baby!)

Satan,

The DNA test results are back, and when it comes to Rosemary's baby, you are the father.

-Maury P.

Washington, D.C.