Welcome to The Random Examiner Awards! I started this in part for my own satisfaction and to voice my own opinion, but also as an alternative to the Academy Awards, Golden Globes, and to a lesser extent, the MTV Music Video Awards and the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards (most of the awards are chosen by those with little to no merit; those of smarmy, douchey Academy, the mostly-pre-18-year-old demographic of MTV, and kids that still watch Twilight and iCarly). At least I come out and tell you it's a matter of opinion. My awards offer nothing beyond a pat on the back. We don't even offer a real trophy (yet). So sit back and enjoy The 1st Annual Randies!
The Chester A. Arthur Award for Best Facial Hair
So much emphasis is being placed on facial hair these days, both sincerely and ironically. The title of this award was named for our unarguably hairy 21st President of the United States, Chester Alan Arthur.
(and he was in competition with Martin Van Buren)
The first winner of this prestigious award was difficult to choose, as among the nominees were my hero Brian Wilson of the San Francisco Giants, who rocks the mountain-punk beard, and Stan Andrus, who has long donned the intellectual Satan look. But the indisputable victor this, the very first, year is Mr. Peter Beckstrom, formerly of Simi Valley, CA!
That Michael "Bronson" Peterson mustache and Chuck Liddell mohawk combination won the bout via knockout.
Movie Gem of the Year
Another difficult choice, as I have discovered so many movie gems this year. But where Piranhaconda doesn't come out until next year and Thankskilling is stuck somewhere between "so-bad-it's-good" and just "self-consciously bad," the winner had to be;
The 1959 Mexican cinematic adventure, Santa Claus! I watched this movie on Netflix with my OPK brethren. Basically, all you need to know is that it stars Santa Claus, Merlin the Magician, and Lucifer! Okay, well technically, it's Lucifer's chief demon Pitch, but they all look alike. That's not a slant on demons. We don't endorse any negative stereotypes here, be they Asian or demonic.
Oh yeah, and Santa plays the organ... while watching the children of the world... all of them racially-driven stereotypes... most of whom wield guns... and Santa looks at them like this;
(he sees you when you're sleeping...)
Special kudos go to the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead. It's not that it's a particularly great movie so much as the shock value in seeing a zombie baby get shot. I nearly died laughing.
(don't judge me! I'm no more sick than the rest of you, just more openly so! and don't even pretend you wouldn't shoot this little bastard, too)
My-Personal-Opinion Man-of-the-Year Award
This has been the hardest decision yet, as I haven't yet decided on the credentials. However, it seems somehow inappropriate to give awards posthumously, so I cannot give the award to Christopher Hitchens or Patrice O'Neal, although both were considered. It also seems that the person in question has to have accomplished something of worth within the past year (beyond dying), so I couldn't give it to Brian Wilson, no matter how much I want to. But even disregarding that, I don't think I could in good conscience give the award to someone has already been nominated for another award, and as Brian Wilson was previously nominated for the Chester A. Arthur Award, he couldn't have it anyway. And there is no chance in Hell I can give the award to myself, although I considered that narcissistic move as well. And although the discovery that the band t.A.T.u. disbanded earlier this year pains me, that doesn't seem like something worth celebrating. Therefor, the winner of the first-ever Randy Award is Amber Heard. Now, I realize the technicality that Amber Heard isn't actually a man so much as a wo-man, but those are basically men with a few minor biological differences, right? She's a rising star, and I've been a fan ever since seeing her in Pineapple Express. In 2011, she starred in two motion pictures; one with Johnny Depp (who is talented and great), and one with Nicolas Cage (who is bland and stale). However, she managed to make a crappy Nic Cage vehicle (Drive Angry) suck a little less. And she starred alongside Mr. Depp and Aaron Eckhart in a Hunter S. Thompson movie adaptation (Johnny's second) in The Rum Diaries. So, here's to you, Amber Heard, you sexy, sexy man!
(the MPO Man of the Year is, in fact, a foxy woman. and she totally deserves the recognition)
You should tell Amber's publicist that she won the award, and that the prize is a date with you! That might be awkward, in the future, however, if the man of the year is ever a normal man, as opposed to a wo-man. Maybe the next male winner will win a date with Amber. In that case I wouldn't blame you for letting narcissism rule the day.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you think, Brad.
ReplyDelete