2012: The Year That Should Not Be (But Is)

I hope you've all recovered from your holiday hangovers.

I'm going to just assume everybody already know about that Mayan calendar that supposedly predicts the end of the world in 2012, because it ends on December 21 (one day before my birthday - ancient prophecies try to ruin everything!). Here's a crazy idea; maybe they ran out of space! Yeah, maybe it was due to an error on the designer's part. This was a Mayan civilization, people. This guy could have been sacrificed due to insolence. For all we know, he was killed before he could start on the second calendar. But some people insist on believing in crazy. The Y2K bug raised quite a scare, but was quickly exterminated. In the eleven mostly boring years since, we've experienced hysteria from diseases carried by cows, birds, and pigs (the three basic food groups). And once our fear of animals settled and we began eating like normal Americans again, some Bible-thumpin' crazy named Harold Camping prophecied the Rapture would take place on May 21 (one day before my sister's birthday - what gives, douche bag crackpots?). Being the wizened old Bible-thumper he was, people actually believed him. He had already predicted the Rapture once before for September 6, 1994, and no man can be wrong twice, can they? To be fair, though, I believe he may have been right about the 2011 Rapture, which proves what I've thought all along - none of us made God's cut.

I beg pardon of the crackpots of the world, but I'm actually feeling pretty good about 2012. Screw 2011 and good riddance! This is my year, and no crackpot douche bag is gonna take that away from me! I've got resolutions for this year, and unlike in years past, I resolve to resolve my resolutions!

#1 - Lose weight. So far, no good.

#2 - Get a job, move out, and move on.

#3 - Keep better track of my finances and better invest (to be interpreted as "Stop spending money like a Desperate Housewife of Whoreville." - all the Whores down in Whoreville like money a lot, but The Random Examiner, who lived just south of Whoreville, did not... have any.)

And if that's not enought, there's a lot to look forward to this year. I look forward to working more with the Other People's Kids. We've got some big plans ahead; a couple of short films and feature-length film we hope to spread the OPK name. We're also doing voice work for Fantasy, Inc., a cartoon we're putting up on youtube this year (and for which I have written a couple of episodes). I look forward to expanding my skills and working on screenplays. And I look forward to movies.

Oh, yes. There will be movies.

And I'm not even talking about The Hobbit or The Dark Knight Rises (although I do look forward to both of them). I'm talking about discovering more movie gems. I already have a few I need to check off for this year.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Dude, I love classic Hollywood. And just with modern cinema as with old Hollywood, I still hold this to be true; good movies are good, but bad movies are great. This is a cult classic featuring Vincent Price. What's that? The name doesn't ring a bell? Uncultured simpletons. It is he of the classic creeper voice, he was acting until his death in 1993. You may know him better as the old professor in Edward Scissorhands or for doing voiceover work on Michael Jackson's Thriller or Alice Cooper's Welcome to My Nightmare. He was typecast as a villain in classic Hollywood, just like another of my favorites, Peter Lorre (don't know him either? curses!).

A little trivia time. Did you know he played Joseph Smith, Jr. in the movie Brigham Young? I had no idea Joseph Smith had such a cool voice! There you have it; Vincent Price has played everyone from Dr. Phibes to Joseph Smith.

(also, he played Egghead in the live-action Batman TV series. eggcellent!)

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

I know what I plan on watching this coming Holiday Season! Another "evil Santa" movie! This one comes from Finnland. A team of workers uncover the largest burial mound in the world, but one occupant is still alive. It turns out to be Santa, but instead of rewarding good boys and girls, he "punishes" (see also; kills) the naughty ones.

(if you look up "stoked" in the dictionary, you'll see me beside a picture of this promotional poster)

C.H.U.D.

I think all you really need to know about this is that "chud" is an acronym for "cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers."

(some sort of hideous chud or something)

Basket Case

Siamese twins, Duane and Belial (one normal, the other malformed), were separated at birth, which pissed them off, and they go on a rampage to kill the doctors responsible for their separation. Sounds like a winner!

(Belial went on to become the beloved "Slimer" of Ghostbuster fame)

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Immortalized by comedian Patton Oswalt, this is a previously unreleased 1977 film about a bed that eats people. This movie should be pretty self-explanatory.

(no, not that deathbed. this looks way creepier.)

Happy New Year 2012! 2011 can bite it!