First off, I'd like to wish a happy birthday to Jason Voorhees. In just a little over 30 years, you've established yourself as a movie legend, striking fear into various teenagers, guidance counselors, and a handful of sexually promiscuous others. But you're far too old to continue living this lifestyle. The truth is, you've become a walking self-parody, a shadow of your former self. With each sequel you became progressively less frightening, and the remakes did nothing to revamp your style. When movies wear themselves thin with sequels, the Friday the 13th series is used as a basis for comparison (well, that and Land Before Time). It's time to retire, old man. But as you turn in your machete in favor of a walker, I have no doubt you'll continue to strike fear into the hearts of many each time you get behind the wheel of a car. And don't worry, we'll put you somewhere nice, along with fellow slasher veterans Freddy Kreuger, Michael Myers, and Leatherface.
Jason Voorhees, despite all his character flaws (antisocial behavior, psychopathy, perpetually returning from the dead, et al.), I've always believed him to be a misunderstood villain. He was constantly harassed by others for his disfigurement as a child, and was neglected by sexually promiscuous guidance counselors, leading to his death (for which he has a long-standing grudge). Of all movie killers, he is undoubtedly the slowest, biggest, and most awkard. Clearly, we have a lot in common.
(Jason Voorhees; a portrait in lost innocence)
I enjoy being negative. I'm postively pessimistic. And I offer no excuses for this; this is of my own choosing. But I have my reasons for being the bitter, pissy "douche bag with a heart of gold" that I am today; nice guys finish last. And don't try debating me on this.
Mohandas Gandhi used passive-resistance to fight the British colonials in India. For this, he was shot and killed. Malcolm X was a militant black nationalist who joined the Nation of Islam and inspired the Black Panthers. It wasn't until he pursued a more peaceful, Martin Luther King-esque form of protest that he was killed by black radicals. And that Jesus guy? The one who said to love your neighbor, to turn the other cheek, to forgive those who wrongly accuse you? Yeah. He was crucified in favor of the criminal, Barabbas.
Che Guevara was an undeniably violent revolutionary who helped Fidel Castro gain power of Cuba. Che was assassinated, but has become a bit of a Jesus figure to many leftists. As for Fidel Castro, he died of old age, after a long, successful career of oppression. And Charles Mansion was a tragically failed rockstar and self-proclaimed Jesus (and sometimes Satan?) incarnate who used his followers for drugs and sex and to commit murders. His "family" was sentenced the death penalty; he is currently living out his life penalty in the Corcoran State Prison and the object of many macabre stories and documentaries, feeding into his long-desired rockstar persona.
(I fought against capitalism and all I got was my image commercialized on this lousy T-shirt)
I myself have had a few too many bad experiences being nice to the wrong people. Long story short, people tend to mistake my kindness with creepiness, flirtatiousness, or both. That is a bad combination. But when I'm bluntly sarcastic, people are either offended or pleased. That's how I choose my friends and weed out the weak. I treat others the same way I expect to be treated. So my pessimism has served me well, or at least much better than my innate generosity.
I haven't given up entirely on being a nice guy, but I'm selective in doing so. After all, I've got a reputation to maintain.
Just keep being nice to me, bucko!
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