Hollywood Murder Cases

If ever there should be a zombie epidemic, the zombies gonna go hungry from looking for brains.

What the world lacks now is originality. I realize the earth is over 4 billion years old, and the Solar System itself is around 4.5 billion years old, but we don't know as much as we'd like to think we do, and we certainly haven't done everything. But in Hollywood, things are done over and over and over again. It seems as though over the past decade or so, there's been nothing but sequels, prequels, and remakes. Don't get me wrong, some of them have been fantastic. But for every True Grit, there's a dozen Mr. Popper's Penguins (no, I haven't seen it, and no, I won't be seeing it). Hell, they're already rebooting the Spider-Man franchise, and although I agree the Tobey Maguire films were atrocious, I gotta say... dude, too soon. I mean, the series just died. It's like telling Casey Anthony a dead baby joke.

(stop me if you've heard this one...)

Hollywood is getting away with murder. And at such a sad price. I died a little inside when they made Dumb and Dumberer. They took a beloved comedy about two idiotic friends and turned it into a feature-length retard joke. If Hollywood is going to destroy such great movies, I want them destroyed entirely. Obliterated. To the point that no one can ever resurrect them. And then, in a few years, the remakes will be forgotten and we will still have our fond memories of the greats to hold on to. I have a few ideas of my own on how to euthanize the classics.

Idea #1 - The Crossover

Alien vs. Predator. Freddy vs. Jason. They're the Flintstones Meet the Jetsons of Hollywood blockbusters. Hey, they're remaking both Child's Play and Carrie, why not just have the killer-possessed toy, Chucky, fight the misunderstood, misanthropic, psychopathic teenager, Carrie?

(actually, I would pay to see this)

Idea #2 - The Misguided Moral

Spike Lee is remaking the Korean Oldboy. Now, I've seen Oldboy, and besides being incredibly effed up (in all the wrong ways), it's the ultimate revenge story. No offense to Mr. Lee, but I'm expecting to see racial themes mixed in and skewering the movie's initial purpose. But maybe that's just me being racist?

Idea #3 - The Confused Casting

Back when Tim Burton made Batman, there was some controversy in the casting of Michael Keaton in the lead role, but in the end he disproved the naysayers. That can happen, but it usually doesn't. Usually, you're stuck with Ben Affleck as Daredevil in a movie adaptation with a plot so paper-thin it tears before you get a chance to get involved. They're remaking Annie with spoiled celebrity child and hair-whipping enthusiast, Willow Smith. However, I must make note that they're also remaking Highlander, and how they got Sean Connery to play a Spaniard to begin with is beyond me.

I guess, in the end, the only way to get Hollywood from making these steaming piles of fecal film matter is to stop paying to see them. I'm not so pessimistic as to say they'll never learn, because when we refused to watch Jersey Girl, Kevin Smith started making good movies again.

When in doubt, use Kevin Smith as your beacon of hope. Because why should the sun be the positive beacon oh hope anyhow? If you don't protect yourself from it, at least you'll get a sunburn; at most, skin cancer.