I'm admittedly a bit of a pessimist. So what? I've already explained my feelings on the subject before, so I shouldn't have to do it again. But pessimist or not, you've gotta admit harsh reality seems more beneficial than the self-indulgent, self-aware optimism of Jimmy Eat World's 2001 song, "The Middle." Just listen to the overly-upbeat lyrics;
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out/Or looked down on
Just try your best/Try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves/When you're away
On top of being sickeningly optimistic, it's also incredibly assumptive. "Don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away." Wait, what are they saying about me? Is it something bad? Oh God, I knew it was something bad! I'm gonna go home and scream into my pillow and threaten to cut myself (I'll never actually do it because I don't like pain and the sight of blood makes me nauseous, but I'll threaten to do it, gosh darn it!). Jimmy Eat World is the happiest emo band ever.
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| (they look so nice, and that is their ultimate downfall. bands should look cooler than that) |
Do we have anything to counter that super-sweet crap? Something a little bitter just to get that awful taste out of our mouths?
Ah, there it is.
The 2007 horror film The Mist is just about the most awesomely depressing movie ever. It starts out with a man and his boy going to the grocery store the morning after a violent thunderstorm. As they're shopping, a man rushes into the store with a bloody nose, warning the people of creatures in the mist. The mist encases them, and they are attacked by Lovecraftian monsters, some of which look like this;
Or this;
This one unlikable religious lady believes this is the sign of the Armageddon and slowly turns the grocery store into her own theocratic militarism. Meanwhile, this kid dies;
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| (no, that is not Malachai from Children of the Corn) |
Poor boy just wanted to be hero by running out into the mist and turning the backup generators on.
So, under this religious zealot's rule (kind of like sharia law, only a little more strict), things become very uneasy. They "sacrifice" a soldier they hold responsible for the catastrophe. You see, the local military base was experimenting with looking into other dimensions, but somehow the scientists opened another dimension (I'm assuming the one containing the Cthulhu mythos). So clearly, the young private was to blame.
After a grocery store clerk finally kills the Jesus freak (hey, you'd have wanted her dead too, if you'd ever seen the movie), they make a break for it, and five survivors make it to the car; the man and his son, an attractive teacher (and potential love interest, assuming things didn't work out with their respective spouses, or if they were eaten), and an elderly couple. They drive and drive and drive until they run out of gas. SPOILER ALERT. The man decides, rather than the inevitable death by starvation or eventual attack of one of the mist monsters, to kill themselves. But there are five survivors and only four bullets. So, ever the hero, he uses the bullets on the others and awaits his impending doom. He exits the car, sobbing and mourning the death of his son and friends, firing empty rounds into his mouth.
Just then, the mist clears and the military arrives.
End film.
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| (that is the face of a man who knows how badly he's screwed up) |
Bahahahaha!
You know, as sad as the end of that movie is, it's got me thinking about my own impending doom. No, I'm talking about the Rapture; that was supposed to have already happened (three or four times now, isn't it?). And I mean no disrespect to Mr. Harold Camping. The man is in his 90's, he's allowed to be wrong. He probably thinks Ronald Reagan is still in office. But who's to say he's wrong? If anything, this just proves what I thought all along; none of us made God's cut.
No, what I'm talking about is the Decepticons' invasion of Earth. So I'd like to take a moment to make a proposition for Megatron.
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| (noticeably missing from the 2012 Republican National Convention) |
Look, buddy. I understand your distaste for human life. I share it with you. But not all of us are so bad. I would like to make a bargain to spare the life of my friends and family. In exchange for the safety and protection of myself and my family and friends, I will give you the names of five people for your five primary attacks, that if you hunt them down first, you will be greeted as a hero.
1) Glenn Beck
Glenn Beck is a conservative libertarian...
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| (oh, I'm sorry - conservative "libertarian") |
Anyways, he's a political commentator and doomsayer whose predictions of the Apocalypse rival those of Harold Camping. He's the self-proclaimed voice of the people, and who dislikes people more than you? You know what must be done.
2) Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney lacks a backbone. I know you must hate that. He panders to each and every audience, so expect him to try and pander to you. But don't be fooled.
3) Fred Phelps
Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church hates everybody, too. But he claims that God loves him. Well, you're his god now! Make an example of him.
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| (but please, go easy on him - I don't think he even knows where he is most of the time) |
4) Michael Bay
You've already got a bone to pick with Mr. Bay. He already destroyed your Transformers series and is about to destroy another beloved '80s franchise, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, by making the ninja turtles an alien race! You cannot let this happen.
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| ("what's it matter? you guys are just gonna pay to see my crap anyways.") |
5) Chad Kroeger
The frontman of the Canadian "rock" group Nickelback, the Dane Cook of rock bands. In fact, I'm pretty sure Dane Cook and Chad Kroeger are the same person.
You'd better kill them both just to be safe.
I'll be waiting, Megatron.
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