It's About Time!

I was riding around Salt Lake with my good friend Faris a while ago, looking for our friend Jeff's house. As with most human beings, we were depending on technology to find our way around, using GPS. We took a wrong turn, and the GPS immediately started rerouting. Faris excitedly said "This is the future. We're living in it. This is the future," to which I replied, "Yet gay people still can't get married."

Regardless of personal feelings on the issue of gay marriage (or abortion or whatever), the concept is still the same. We have gadgets and devices that can give us directions, we have cell phones that can work without a wire to call friends on another side of the country or the world, we even have spaceships. But unlike technology, the societal problems we face each day haven't changed a whole lot in the last twenty years. Did I mention we have spaceships? Machines that take people to the moon and take pictures of far-away planets? How does this crap even work? I plead ignorance.

I guess it's not surprising. Just disappointing. When people in the fifties thought about the future, I don't seem to recall any movies about societal change (with the exception of the liberal, communal eloi being eaten by the conservative, blue-collar morlocks). They dreamt of jet-packs and meals in pill form.

(also, apes in spacesuits)

And speaking of morlocks, what ever happened to time machines? I have my own theory on time travel; it's not gonna happen. Oh, I'm not saying it can't, I'm just saying it won't. My theory is that if someone in the future discovered time travel, wouldn't we feeling the effects of it already in the past? A popular notion is going back in time to stop Hitler from taking over Germany, but if someone in the future succeeded in doing that, the history books that have been changed in the future would certainly be changed by now, in the present. That means one of three things; either a) they decided to travel strictly further into the future (which is just silly. I mean, the dinosaurs might have come back from their home world of Hell and taken over), b) they're actually responsible for the mistakes in the world (some liberal do-gooder from the future travels back in time and accidentally causes the Kennedy assassination? I smell a sitcom!), or c) the people in the future have already thought of that. World War II was a tragedy that we wish would have never happened, but all the wishing in the world isn't going to change that. Besides, Germans have a bad taste in everything.

(okay, almost everything)

If I had a time machine myself, I wouldn't mess with changing history. All I'd do is go back in time and pick up a particularly hot cave-dwelling chick (preferably somewhere in the midst of the transition between homo-erectus and homo-sapien), back when women were okay with guys being misogynists and way before the government created AIDS, and I'd introduce her as my Russian mail-order bride. I'd also like to see The Beatles' rooftop concert atop the Apple Corps building in London, England, but I wouldn't bother trying to get them back together (for the same reasons I cited above. heaven knows I don't want to be the idiot responsible for their imminent breakup. haven't I caused enough damage for one day, what with crushing dreams of time travel?). Oh, and also, I'd steal a bootleg copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Yes, one can waste a lot of time imagining what one might do if given the opportunity to go to the past. What wrongs could be righted. What warnings one might give. What rare gems one might smuggle back into the future and sell or extort for a lot of money (see above; the Star Wars Holiday Special). But the best way to correct the future is by correcting the present.

Buena Vista Social Pub

Over the past couple of years, I've come up with some pretty damn good ideas, including, but no limited to; giving China the Dakotas (yes, both North and South) to pay off our massive debt China, and using Mt. Rushmore as our U.S. Embassy, taking Puerto Rico and Mexico as our 49th and 50th states (after ceding the Dakotas to China), making an UFC/MMA style pay-per-view pitting Bill O'Reilly against Bill Maher, Rush Limbaugh against Michael Moore, and Anne Coulter against Arianna Huffington with all proceeds going towards fixing the economy (most of these people would love to fight each other anyway, and now they have a fair and legal ground to do so. hilarity ensues), and making a training video acted out by bikini models and narrated by John Madden (or Frank Caliendo as John Madden if John Madden isn't available).

But I think there is one good idea that may just be a great idea; historically-themed cocktails, with the ultimate goal being educating our college students. The way I see it, our education system is a little disappointing. We're not even in the top 30 in many lists. So, as long as we have college student with names like "Chet" and "Chaz" who go to college to waste time and get shitfaced, why not try to trick them into getting an education while they're at it?

(in this picture; Chet, Chaz, Chuy, and Cholo. not pictured; a decent education)

I kicked this idea around with my high school world history teacher, the white Samuel L. Jackson doppleganger, Stan Andrus. Here are some of the better cocktail ideas we came up with;

Pearl Harbor - a piña colada chased by a Sake.

Cinco de Mayo - margarita spiked with champagne.

East Berlin - Jager and vodka. It would be drunk as a penalty for getting a question wrong.

World War I - an alcoholic suicide cocktail with alcohol from every nation involved (WWI has been called "the Suicide Attempt of the West"). It would come with a miniature Pickelhaube instead of an umbrella.

Vietnam War - flaming Mai Tai.

Unification of Italy - red wine, limoncello, and Bellini mixer.

The French Revolution - changes every time you make it.

The American Revolution (1770-1778) - English tea spiked with illegal untaxed rum.

The American Revolution (1778-1783) - hard cider with a shot of French wine.

The Great Depression - just water.

I know this raises the question of how college freshman, fresh out of high school, could legally play these drinking games? Let me answer that question with another question; as long as they're getting a decent college education, who cares? Unless you want Chuy to end up serving you burgers for the rest of his life.

(Chuy, age 39)

Next time, I'll tell you how we can teach our students math by gambling!

What the World Needs Now is One Good Punch

You probably thought I was going to say "love, sweet love," didn't you? This coming from the man who taught about the virtue of pessimism and thinks things like misogyny and sacrilege are funny? Highly unlikely.

No, what the world needs now, with all due respect to Burt Bacharach (meaning "none"), is a nice, solid punch in the face. We're the same ones who make climate change political and think sharing a Facebook status update can overthrow a dictator. Honestly, is there anybody who doesn't deserve to be hit in the freakin' head? People may fight the idea at first, but if given the chance, I think we could all think of at least dozen people on whom we'd like to personally inflict such pain. So, if given the chance, if you could punch any three (living) people, famous or not, right in the face, without any repercussion, be it physical or legal, who would they be and why? I think about this quite a bit. My top 3 are;

#1 - Glenn Beck

I cannot stand this man. He claims to be libertarian, but I get the feeling he doesn't really know what that means. He's so damn apocalyptic. He's quick to point out the faults he sees in America without presenting any real solutions and frequently connects liberals and others he sees as a threat to Nazi Germany using his own twisted version "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon." It doesn't help that he's pretty much celebrated as a second prophet in Utah. And what does this man possibly know about being George Washington? I must have missed that part in American history where they friends, colleagues, or at least contemporaries. I'm so sick of conservatives (or liberals, for that matter) hijacking history and claiming the founding fathers as one of their own. Different times present different challenges which call for different solutions, like whether or not to declare independence from Great Britain; not demanding the president's birth certificate.

(look at that face. now, try telling me you wouldn't punch it)

#2 - Fred Phelps

I think the term "evil" is too loosely translated and overly used these days. Anyone who disagrees with you is suddenly "evil" (just ask Glenn Beck). But this man is evil. Look, it's okay if you disagree with gay marriage or going to war or if you don't accept other religions' doctrine. To picket the funerals of fallen soldiers or a gay loved one, using their deaths as leverage and preying on the fragile state of the family members is just evil. They're taking advantage of the freedom of speech to launch very personal attacks on those who can't defend themselves. And what is it with their doctrine of "God hates"? Let's not bring God into this guys; you're the ones with the problem.

(you wouldn't punch an old man, would you? I sure would!)

#3 - Glenn Beck

I'm not going to lie to you. I just want to hit him twice.

(I like to pretend I'm the one who made him cry...)

Some people like to count sheep as they go to sleep. Some people like to clear their minds and meditate. I like to think of punching people. And if the stress and blood pressure involved with thinking with such intensity leads to my early death, at least I can die happy.

Sweet dreams!

The Virtue of Pessimism

I have long said that realists are just pessimists in denial, and I very much believe that. this probably isn't going to win me any popularity contests, but if a celebrated author like Ayn Rand can write about "The Virtue of Selfishness," I think it's only fair that I can stand up for my philosophy.

Pessimism is described three ways by dictionary.com;

- the tendency to see, anticipate, or emphasize only the bad or undesirable outcomes, results, conditions, problems, etc. (partially true)

- the doctrine that the existing world is the worst of all possible worlds, or that things naturally tend to be evil (true; I dare you to find a world more evil than ours)

- the belief that evil and pain in the world are not compensated by goodness or happiness (false; that's nihilistic even by pessimistic standards)

My branch of philosophy is transcendentally idealistic apathy - borrowing a theory from Immanuel Kant sprinkled with the remains of the victims of Pompeii, who were too apathetic to even flee the hot ash from the volcano. In egoism, you believe that you matter more than all others. You won't make a lot of friends this way, but at least you have yourself to keep you company, you dick. In altruism, you put others before yourself. Jesus was a good example of this, and just look what happened to him. Good guys, I'm sorry to say, finish last. But in pessimism, everybody is equally useless.

This says nothing of love. I hate people, but I can still manage to love them. Parents manage to love their children, even when they screw up (and vice versa with children for parents). Love is a biological/emotive phenomena. It's because so much goes into it that makes it so hard to explain. It's akin to the way you can love a dog. He may be old, fat, and stupid, but he's your dog, dammit! But that doesn't particularly make him any less useless. Apathy, on the other hand, is easy.

It's noble to help an old woman who fell over. But if you don't do anything, you're seen as the bad guy. You may as well be the one who pushed her over! But what about the people whose initial response was to lagh? Be honest - if an old, overweight lady wearing a bright, floral muumuu got up to get another Big Mac and tripped over a rambunctious three-year-old, how many of you would laugh? And yet, those who do nothing are often judged as harshly as those who laugh. I'm not saying it's right, but I'm saying there's a line that needs to be drawn.

(some of you are laughing already)

Pessimism can be very rewarding. Don't scoff so loudly, altruists. Hope can be an effective tool. It can get you through hard times. But so can apathy! Take sports, for example. There are teams I like and teams that I dislike. I believe that holds true to most. When a team you like is losing or a team you dislike is winning, you can use apathy to emotionally disconnect from the game.

Hope for a better tomorrow can be a good thing. But you're just hoping for something to happen between today and tomorrow to make something, somewhere, better. That's called procrastination, and it branches off from apathy.

So what to make of pessimism? What makes it so rewarding. When you expect the worst from things and get better, it makes for a nice surprise.

And need I remind you of cultural importance of pessimism? Quick, name me three truly positive comedians! As you struggle through that, I'll list ten negative comedians that are twenty times funnier.

Don't hate the messenger. Hate the message.

(yes... I feel the hate flowing inside you!)

Coming Attractions

A quick shout-out to my OPK brethren for winning the "Audience Choice" award at the X96 Radio From Hell Film Festival! Our short was nothing like we originally planned. I know that several of us were nervous going into the Tower Theater that night (myself included), but it turned out better than suspected. It doesn't hurt that most of the other shorts were, frankly, awful. Of course all the filmmakers cheered loudest for their own films, but we had the advantage of having more people sporadically placed throughout the theater. So, here's to all the cast and crew for our award-winning short (a cop-out, I know), "Dream Plot"!

(action shot - us "watching our own movie")

(there's a lot of love here...)

(...but I have a lot of love to give!)

I realize I look very gay in these pictures, but the only alternative is me looking confused or apathetic. And I thought the last one was pretty funny, because Levi had no idea what I was doing.

Next, we have a dark comedy (my favorite!) planned. I don't want to give too much away, but it has to do with LARP'ing. Think No Country for Old Men with foam weapons and sexless fantasy geeks. Lance and Levi have been kicking this idea around for a while now, and I look forward to being part of the production.

I, myself, am in the brainstorming stages of writing two works - Witness, a screenplay, and The Hipster Suicides (Tentative Title), a story (I don't want to commit to novel-length, because I am easily distracted. especially when I start writing long, rambling rants about something and I forget what I'm talking about. man, I could really go for some Mongolian barbecue).

I probably don't say this as much as I ought to, but we at OPK have a lot of talent. Lance and Levi are serious, focused filmmakers. Mike is a very enthusiastic actor. Kurtis is a willing and capable performer. Tony is also incredibly talented, and knows how to identify talent (he also does his best acting while mildly inebriated and, no homo, wears the hell out of spandex pants). And he whom we call "Lance 2" is a damn good sound guy. And so, since I didn't think to do so earlier, I'd like to propose a toast. (holding up an imaginary fuzzy navel) To us! Cheers!

Damn Me

"Am I evil?

Yes, I am

Am I evil?

I am, man."

("Am I Evil," by Diamond Head)

I took a speech class at BYU-Idaho to help me with my public speaking and debate skills. I did alright with that, but there was one area where I excelled; my outspokenness. Our final for the class was to issue each person in our class a unique award, and I was awarded the title of "King of Blunt Statements" - a title I wear as a badge to this day. I can't help it; I was never very good at lies, let alone tact. Sometimes the filter between what I think and what I say malfunctions. But sometimes even I'm surprised by the crap I say;

- I wanted to be the first person to make a Whitney Houston joke, so the following day at work, I asked my coworker if she could do something. She said she already had, that she was "on top of things." So I said "If you were anymore on top of things, they'd be yelling 'Bobby, no!'"

- This one's pretty bad. "Maybe I'm sick, but that Casey Anthony is a MILF. I don't think I could ever get involved in a relationship with her, because if she ever got pregnant, I would have to ask 'Are you going to get an abortion, or are you just going to take care of it after?'"

- This one is pretty bad, too. "I wear my Elmo shirt to meet chicks." Just think about that one for a second.

(I am a crappy person. what a crappy pun.)

Am I evil?

There are some things in life worth fighting for. Some people fight for equal rights, some people fight cancer. I fight against censorship, self-editing or government-regulated.

Look, there are some things in life that are just funny, yet by which people are easily offended. And because some people find some things offensive, we're censored. A few weeks ago I was getting lectured on positive thinking, and I made the comment "But I'm happiest while being negative. We have a conundrum!" Somebody heard this and started berating me with nonsense that "what you say has an effect on people" and so on. So what? It's called having a sense of humor, dummy. You know what they call an optimistic comedian? Not funny. Comedy is, by nature, rather dark and negative. Freud defined humor as a comedic act that anesthetizes emotion. Bill Cosby is a notoriously clean comedian, and he talks about an abusive father! Like George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words, there are four things that will just always be funny. I will leave political jokes to both sides of the aisle.

1) Racism

I'm not racist, nor do I endorse racism. Most of the people I know who laugh at racist jokes aren't racist. The thing is, you've got to be able to look at our differences and laugh at them rather than deny that they exist. Putting on blackface is racist. But Dave Chappelle does the same thing to white people. And you know something? It's funny.

example: "White people! You did not get a receipt for us, you cannot return us!" (Katt Williams)

2) Misogyny/Sexism

I support equal rights. But I also think that some women like to pretend they have penises, and this is the crap that makes their pseudo-penis pucker. Jokes about the kitchen and laundry. You know, the Carol Brady generation.

example: "It's not sexist to think Palin and Bachmann are boobs." (Bill Maher)

3) Sacrilege/Blasphemy

Religion is such a sensitive subject. It's easy to say "religion is dumb" or "that religion is dumb," but to point out the flaws in our own humanity is where the true humor lies.

example: "When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness." (Emo Philips)

4) Human Sexuality

Sex is many things. To some, it is the ultimate act of love and romance. To others, it is simply the biological impulse to mate. But no matter your personal views, one thing is certain; we're all interested in it, and we're all sensitive about it. Guys are concerned over the size of their penises, and women just want some respect (see; #2).

example: "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." (Rodney Dangerfield)

I think what it all boils down to is that the best way to get over our fears and insecurities is laugh about them. The best defense is a good offense (or is it the other way around?). I'd like to think that I've got something right. I'm just saying the truth the way I see it. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I am just evil. And if that's the case, Obama's not the antichrist, middle America; I am.

(not pictured; the antichrist)

Every Stereotype I Know I Learned from Street Fighter

Let's be perfectly clear; I love video games. I don't think kids who play video games are at any more risk of shooting up their classmates or coworkers any more than the rest of us. And I'm almost certain that there's less risk of them going Rambo if they're parked in front of Mortal Kombat than if they're getting bullied at school and neglected at home.

With that being said, I'm tired of hearing how racist and intolerant America is. Yeah, we had a dark period of slavery (it just struck me that the descriptive word of "dark" may be considered a double entendre). And as messed up as it is that the KKK is still around, people seem to forget that there's still slavery in certain parts of the world. America is an easy target because it's constantly in the spotlight. Countries are like celebrities. The biggest and most famous are always in the news; the smaller, lesser-known stars are only in the news when they die (and suddenly, just as in Hollywood, everybody remembers how great they are).

But if you've ever played a Japanese video games (and if you've ever played any video game, you probably have), you had to have noticed some sort of racism. It's not very subtle.

(left to right; Zangief, President Gorbachev. not pictured; subtlety)

That's Street Fighter for ya. I learned as much about world stereotypes from that game as I did about geography (I remember getting a D on my geography test in junior high, but if they would've put it in the form of a Street Fighter world map, I would've fared much better - though I may have listed Russia as the U.S.S.R.). Let's take a look at what they think of the British;

Incredible. I know that's what I think of when I think of Great Britain (that is when I'm not thinking of Helena Bonham Carter. she's eccentric, yes, but sometimes that gets in the way of her hotness). It's as though they didn't know which stereotype to use; the old-school boxer or the high-class gentleman. Now let's play a game. Let's guess where each of these fighters come from.

Okay, so the first guy is Guile, the blatantly American military-type. Next is Honda, the Japanese sumo wrestler. And the last guy... I dunno, is he some sort of evil Irish leprechaun? Nope, that's Blanka, the acrobratic Brazilian monster. Okay, I get that people think of Brazil as some sort of untamed wilderness, but this is ridiculous. Even the people are savage. By the way, I've been to Brazil. Besides being much greener than us (their land, not their skin!), they're not much different from us. They just watch more telenovelas than we do. The only stereotype that doesn't make much sense to me is Dhalsim, the Indian guy. They seem to associate India with yoga and body distortion.

(you think yoga's hard? try doing it while breathing fire!)

They associate India with a skinny, bald guy who...

...Oh. Now I guess it makes sense.

Well, to bring my post to a close, I want to share the story of M. Bison. Not the M. Bison as Americans know him, but the original "Iron" Mike Bison! That's right, in Japan they used Mike Tyson's likeness to create the first boxer in the series (before that Dudley douche). However, due to legal troubles, they had to play a sort of musical chairs with names. Vega, the Thai dictator, became (ambiguous M.) Bison. Balrog, the effeminate Spaniard, became Vega. And Mike Bison became Balrog.

(makes sense, right?)